It’s the day after the first Monday in May 2024, and while I stayed up all night — 1 to 4 a.m., to be precise — celebrity-watching the iconic red green carpet of , I thought, as many people have before me, “Why don’t I reimagine a Nigerian Met Gala of my own?” 

With major help from AI, here’s what all 36 Nigerian states would wear to this gala if they somehow came to life.

Abia

Inspired by the Arochukwu Long Juju, the outfit would feature regal elements and intricate patterns, incorporating colours that reflect spiritual traditions and history.

Adamawa

Known for its rich cultural heritage and diverse communities, the outfit would embrace the traditional clothing of the Fulani, incorporating flowing robes and cowrie shells.

Akwa Ibom

This outfit would be a nod to the rich textile tradition of the state, focusing on raffia and vibrant woven patterns reminiscent of local crafts.

Anambra

Drawing inspiration from the Igbo Ukwu archaeological site, this ensemble would include metalwork and designs that echo ancient artefacts and the Igbo cultural legacy.

Bauchi

Highlighting the Yankari Game Reserve, the outfit would feature animal motifs and earthy tones, incorporating feathers and beaded details to represent wildlife.

Bayelsa

This outfit would represent the state’s coastal region with a touch of oceanic meets blooming flower themes.

Benue

Known for its Tiv culture, the ensemble would use the traditional black and white striped “A’nger” cloth, creatively designed into a dramatic red-carpet gown.

Borno

This outfit would reflect the Kanuri heritage, with intricate embroidery and bold colours, referencing the traditional attire of the region.

Cross River

Inspired by the Efik culture and Calabar Carnival, this outfit would be colourful, vibrant and celebratory, with feathers, beads and elaborate headpieces.

Delta

This outfit would combine elements of the Urhobo and Itsekiri cultures, using traditional fabrics and incorporating symbols of the oil industry, a nod to the state’s economy.

Ebonyi

The outfit would draw on the agricultural heritage of the state, featuring natural fibres and earthy tones, with a focus on texture and layering.

Edo

Inspired by the rich history of the Benin Kingdom, this ensemble would incorporate bronze work, coral beads and regal silhouettes that pay homage to the Oba’s court.

Ekiti

Known for its hilly terrain, this outfit would have a layered and flowing design, with patterns that resemble the landscape and traditional Yoruba fabrics.

Enugu

The outfit would reflect the Atilogwu dance with bright rainbow tones and a red velvet silhouette, complemented by shimmering details that symbolise the state’s transformation.

Gombe

Inspired by the Ashaka cement industry and the savannah landscape, this outfit would feature rugged textures and industrial elements, with pops of green to represent the Gombe forest.

Imo

This outfit would draw on the cultural elements of the Igbo people, featuring classic Igbo fabrics and patterns, with a modern twist on traditional silhouettes.

Jigawa

With its roots in agriculture, this outfit would use natural fibres and patterns inspired by farming, with earthy colours and rustic elements.

Kaduna

Known for its multiculturalism, the outfit would bring together Hausa, Gwari and other influences, with a focus on vibrant colours, embroidery and layered fabrics.

Kano

As one of Nigeria’s historic centres of commerce, this outfit would combine traditional Hausa designs with gold and silver elements, symbolising the wealth and heritage of Kano.

Katsina

This outfit would draw from the Emirate traditions, with richly embroidered textiles and dramatic silhouettes that reflect the regal history of the state.

Kebbi

The outfit would feature patterns inspired by the Argungu Fishing Festival, incorporating fish motifs and aquatic colours, with a flowing design to reflect the movement of water. 

Kogi

Known for its confluence of rivers, this outfit would be inspired by water themes, with blues and greens, and intricate flowing patterns to represent the river junctions.

Kwara

This outfit would reflect the state’s rich history of textile production, focusing on Aso Oke fabrics and intricate embroidery, with a mix of traditional and modern elements.

Lagos

As Nigeria’s commercial hub, the outfit would embrace contemporary fashion trends, with a cosmopolitan feel, mixing urban style with traditional Yoruba motifs.

Nasarawa

This outfit would reflect the state’s solid mineral resources, featuring metallic fabrics and industrial elements, with a structured design to symbolise the state’s wealth.

Niger

Inspired by Afro-nomadic culture, the outfit would feature white feathers and brown tones and a focus on African-Islamic style.

Ogun

Known for its agricultural products, especially cocoa and rubber, the outfit would use rich, earthy colours and textures, with elements that represent the state’s industries.

Ondo

This outfit would be inspired by the Yoruba culture and traditional festivals, incorporating rich fabrics, beadwork and dramatic headpieces that reflect the state’s heritage.

Osun

The outfit would be inspired by the famous Osun-Osogbo Festival, with flowing fabrics and natural colours, emphasising harmony with nature and spiritual connections.

Oyo

Known for the historic Oyo Empire, this outfit would embrace regal designs and traditional Yoruba patterns, with a touch of modernity to bring the ancient and contemporary together.

Plateau

Inspired by the state’s scenic landscape and rocky formations, this outfit would have a rugged aesthetic, using earthy tones and textured fabrics to reflect the plateau’s terrain.

Rivers

A flowing gown representing the serene waters of the Niger Delta, adorned with motifs inspired by the rich cultural heritage of the region’s indigenous tribes such as the Ijaw and Ogoni people.

Sokoto

A regal outfit inspired by the Sokoto Caliphate, with traditional Hausa embroidery, flowing fabrics, and turbans.

Taraba

An ensemble drawing from patterns and designs that reflect the diverse traditional influences of the city.

Yobe

An outfit inspired by the Nguru dunes, with earthy tones and patterns that reflect the desert landscape and traditional attire.

Zamfara

A garment inspired by the traditional weaving crafts, with intricate patterns and a colour scheme that represents the craftsmanship of the region.

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But what if Jesus decided the suffering human beings had put Him through during the 33 years of His human existence was enough, and He wanted to rest for two extra days?

Jesus knew the time was now. It’d been three days since they dragged Him through the city and treated Him like He’d gone into their homes and stolen all the money they didn’t have.

Voice: Psstt, psssttt.

He closed His eyes tighter, willing the voice away.

Much better.

ľţłÜłŮ…

Jesus sighed and closed his eyes again.

Angel: Ah. Sir, abeg. It’s Your Daddy that sent me oo.

Jesus:

Angel: It is time.

Jesus: I’m not doing.

Angel: Hmm? 

Jesus: Shebi you did not see the way I carried that cross? And they still flogged Me on top. 

Angel: Sir…

Jesus: Look at My hand.

No, just see the hole they chook inside My hand. I need to rest, abeg.

Angel: Master Jesus, but it’s been three days.

Jesus: Ehen? I used the three days to conquer death and collect the keys of that fire fire place.

Angel: Sir…

Jesus: Shhh 

They hear female voices, and the angel moves toward the stone at the entrance of the tomb.

Jesus: If you…

Everyone stands still.

The stone starts moving, and Jesus places his hand on it to still it.

Angel (in a whisper): It’s the Marys and Salome, Sir.

They hear a basket drop and hurried feet moving away from the tomb.

Jesus: Shebi you can see what you’ve done?

Mary Magdalene, Salome and Mary, the mother of James, walk quietly towards the city.

Salome: What if…

Mary, the mother of James: Shhh

Salome: Ahn ahn

Salome walks fast to stand in front of them.

Salome: Please, we heard what we heard. You know there’s nothing He cannot do. 

What if Jesus is awake? 

Strangers on the street stop to stare at them…

…before running off.

Mary Magdalene:

Salome: Sorry. 

Jesus wanted to rest, that was all. But two days after Salome and the Marys visited, no one was letting Him be. Three more angels had come to “watch over” Him, and the humans had turned His tomb into a tourist attraction. 

So the rest He was trying to rest had touched the hem of His own garment, developed strength like no other and turned around to bite Him. 

Jesus: żěèĘÓĆľ, I can hear you oo.

He’d learnt His lesson, and it was time to get back to work.

Jesus could hear them coming.

He stood up from His spot on the ground.

Jesus:

Shall we?

The disciples, Salome and the Marys stand in front of the now-open tomb.

Salome drops to her knees.

Salome:

Mary Magdalene:

Jesus stands behind the group, peeking into the tomb as well.

Jesus: What are we looking at?

Hits blunt

They would make absolutely no sense

You’d be in a work meeting, trying your best to contribute your quota to capitalism and justify your salary, when your boss asked people to share ideas on a subject. 

Of course, you’d immediately try to look like you’re busy thinking, even though all that’s in your head is how you forgot to warm yesterday’s leftover rice. And then the office oversabi would blurt out: “This idea felt cute, but I might delete it later”.

LMAO. You say what?

Communication? We don’t know her

On your way home, while thinking about the madness that transpired at the office, you’d jump on a danfo, ready to put the stress of the work day behind you, when you came across another wonder.

The conductor would angle his neck towards where you’re sitting beside the driver and gesture to his head. It’ll take a couple of minutes before you notice his t-shirt says, “Double-tap conductor’s head to support his brand”. 

There would be a slight language barrier — and I don’t mean normal human language

You’d finally get to your bus stop, but first deciding to branch the market close to your house first to buy spaghetti for dinner, you’d meet yet another surprise.

You (to the seller): Please give me one pack of spaghetti.

Seller: This spaghetti is the best one in the market, and with shikini money, you’ll get free delivery within Lagos and Abeokuta.

You: Madam, which one is delivery again? I just want to buy and go, please.

Seller: Click the link in bio to shop the best spag. Hashtag Spaghetti sellers in Lagos, hashtag sellers of Instagram, hashtag sexy cooks in…

You: …

Confusion would reign supreme

You’d finally get home only to find your girlfriend and her besties posing in front of your door, looking sexy AF.

You: Babe, I didn’t know you were coming. What’s happening?

Babe: Happiness is being yourself.

You: I don’t get.

Babe: Looking good, doing better.

You: Is everybody alright today?

Babe (in a new pose): In love with me, myself and I.

You: …

Babe (in another pose): Only God can judge me.

You: When you people finish, you know where your house is. 

You’d finally enter the apartment, confused as hell, only to wake up the next day to realise… every day would be the exact same thing.

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And it had me thinking, what if the Jujutsu Kaisen was set in Nigeria instead of Tokyo, Japan? The characters already go through enough as it is. Imagine adding being Nigerian to their problems? 

 Jujutsu Kaisen follows the life of as he joins a secret organisation of Jujutsu Sorcerers to eliminate a powerful Curse named , whom Yuji’s body currently hosts. 

I re-imagined what Jujutsu Kaisen would be like if it were set in Nigeria.

Panda would have been a dog or a giant mosquito 

I mean, if they are picking the animal based on an animal that best represents the country Jujutsu Kaisen is set in, and this being Nigeria, it’s only fitting that either an ekuke named “Bingo” or a mosquito would be our choice. So what if Google says it’s an Eagle? As a Nigerian, you will see more bingos and mosquitoes before ever spotting an Eagle. 

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The places with the most cursed energy would be government offices and bus stops

In Jujutsu Kaisen, curses mostly lurk around secondary schools and hospitals, but if Jujutsu Kaisen was set in Nigeria? Every single government office would be full of curses because everyone curses them at least twice daily. As for bus stops, have you seen how people push each other, fight, and try to kill each other to enter danfos? God abeg. 

Nobara’s weapon would have been a pestle

Don’t ask me why but it’s just fitting. That babe has the anger of 20 Nigerian mothers, and you’re telling me a hammer would do the job for her? Have you seen a Nigerian woman handle a pestle before? One hit and the stupid curse would start to think about its life. 

Nanami would have been a banker by day while selling ties on Instagram by night

Outside writers, Nigerian bankers are the only other people who look like they hate their jobs. But not so much for Nanami. He needs the money so he can buy nice suits. He’d probably also own a tie shop that no one actually patronises, but that won’t matter to him because my man is too busy using them to fight people anyway. 

Every time Gojo jumps, they’d try to catch him and deliver him

Gojo would try to defy physics, as usual, flying without needing to leap off buildings and sooner or later, he would get caught. Next thing you know, they’d be shoving buckets of anointing oil down his throat as per evil spirit. 

Large dimension fight inside traffic

Usually, when they want to fight demons or curses, they’d go to a large space and open a dimension so people don’t get injured in the real world due to casualties. Where would we find space in this country? Take Lagos, for example. They’d have to  fight in traffic last last. That’s not even something new sha. 

Legwork in dashiki in the end scene

Everyone loves the Jujutsu Kaisen , but if this anime was set in Nigeria? Legwork straight and football jersey tops or dashiki. Asake would also somehow sing the theme song. 

Their school uniform would be khaki, and check

One super cool thing about Jujutsu Kaisen is the school uniform. Every student has a unique way they wear theirs but individualism in a Nigerian school? Come off it, please. All of them, from Gojo to Itadori, would wear different colours of check shirts and brown Khaki pants made from the weakest material known to man. 

The school probably wouldn’t even exist because where’s the profit on top people that want to kill you for helping them?

Jujutsu sorcerers are a part of a secret organisation, so they don’t get paid. Unfortunately, that won’t work in Nigeria because how would they risk their lives to save people while still needing to be protected from the people they went to save? Hell, the Lagos government would make them pay flying tax and exorcism tax until they closed the school last last.

READ ALSO: QUIZ: Only Real Jujutsu Kaisen Fans Can Score 5/10 on This Quiz

That’s why we created PURPLEWINE, a 4th-gen band made up of seven Nigerian Gen-Z stars. Let’s find out why each member would be in this Nigerian K-pop girl group, what the group would be known for, how well they’d do and how they’d eventually disband. 

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Sanchan: The Leader

K-pop group leaders are either the oldest by age or years of training (RM in BTS, Red Velvet’s Irene).

This 24-year-old brand influencer, popularly known as , would be the oldest member, making her the default leader. The K-pop company would select Sanchan to be a “visual” (AKA fine girl of the group) because of her modelling background as the face of many beauty brands. Her half-Japanese ethnicity would also be a factor, but the company would constantly deny it. Most likely the last member to be picked, they would train her for about a year to pass as a vocalist, dancer and maybe even rapper. None of that would matter though because what they want are her visuals and existing popularity to promote the group. She’ll always look out for the other members, but like BLACKPINK’s , very few people will know she’s the leader as she’ll be completely overshadowed by the “centre” (AKA most popular member).

Positions: leader, visual, sub-vocalist

Fave: The Vocalist

The official vocalist position is usually given to the member with the best vocal range or technique (Aespa’s Ningning, EXO’s Baekhyun). That doesn’t mean the other members aren’t technically vocalists too.

Fave (21) is understated but talented and passionate about music. She would’ve joined the company very early on, say ten years before PURPLEWINE’s debut. She would’ve known since she was a kid that she wanted to sing, auditioned to join the company and been the only one of thousands to be picked that year. She would then spend ten years as a , learning to play every instrument (and dance every choreo) in the book while perfecting her vocals, only to be given one position and barely any parts in songs once they debut. Any part she does get would be the most difficult one. But she would kill it, so her stans would dedicate their lives to attacking the company for not giving her more.

Position: main vocalist

Ayra Starr: The Centre & Face

The most popular one who’s also usually the one with the most skills. Sometimes, the centre is a different person from the face of the group (In ITZY, Ryujin is the centre and Yeji is the face, while BLACKPINK’s Jennie is both).

It would be love at first sight between the company and the self-assured 19-year-old Ayra. She joined after Fave, but still very early on, as an IJGB, and has been crowned the company’s ever since. Considered an because of her singing, dancing and visual skills (they’ll probably train her to hold her own as a rapper too) and charisma, the company would start promoting her some months before the debut, as the . Then, once PURPLEWINE debuts, she would literally be at the centre of the group in everything — photo shoots, music videos, live performances — the person who sings first on all their songs, gets the most lines to sing, and generally be the Beyonce. There’s one in every group TBH.

Positions: centre, face, lead vocalist, lead dancer

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Diana Eneje: The Visual

The official visual of any K-pop group is the most attractive member or the closest to local beauty standards (IVE’s Wonyoung, Jisoo of BLACKPINK).

Also 19, Diana would’ve been scouted four years earlier, by one of many company reps who roam the streets, for a group they hadn’t formed yet at the time they noticed her. Since her looks more closely represent the Nigerian standard of beauty than Sanchan’s, they would want her to be the main visual of the group. She’d probably want to be a model or actress, but they’d convince her she was made for pop superstardom despite never actually hearing her sing. She would accept and spend the next four years training for it. The company would use her and Ayra to promote the group pre-debut so that by the time PURPLEWINE debuts, they would already be it-girls. However, it won’t take long for stans to accuse her of not having any talent. But hey, Posh Spice didn’t care, so why should she? 

Positions: visual, face, sub vocalist

Susan Pwajok: The Rapper

The cool kid with the best rapping skills (BIGBANG’s G-Dragon, Soyeon of (G)I-DLE).

There’s no evidence that Susan can actually rap. But the actress has major rapper vibes, and I honestly think she should consider it, just in case she’s looking for a side hustle. Anyway, that’s what the company would be thinking when they recruit her for this Nigerian K-pop girl group. After watching one of her many Instagram videos in which she’s being cool as usual, someone in the company would have a vision of her as a pop star and reach out to her. She’d then become a for three to four years, during which time her swag would evolve into great rapping and dancing skills. She’ll end up being the most popular member some years after their debut because everyone loves a good rapper. Side note: Nigeria needs female rappers!

Positions: lead rapper, lead dancer, sub vocalist

Amarachi: The Dancer

The most impressive dancer in terms of technique (LISA of BLACKPINK, Red Velvet’s Seulgi, TWICE’s Momo).

Do you remember by Nigerian Willow Smith and winner of the first Airtel Nigeria’s Got Talent, Amarachi Uyanne? Well, Amarachi went viral in 2012 after winning and dropping the song (and featuring Phyno). She’s 17 now and has spent the last few years she was out of the spotlight swooped up by the company to train rigorously for a grand comeback as a member of PURPLEWINE. The company would be banking on people’s surprise at her return and transformation to promote the group even more. Not to mention that her obvious dancing talent would’ve been refined to its fullest power level through almost ten years of training, so she would get mad dance breaks during live performances. The devil works hard, but the head of this company works harder.

Position: main dancer, sub vocalist, sub rapper

Itohan: The Maknae

The youngest one (NewJeans’s Hyein, Mamamoo’s Hwasa)

The company would snatch Itohan right after she’s made a name for herself as the Baby Dragon of the just concluded Nigerian Idol (2022). The 17-year-old would be the voice they’d been searching for to round up the group as the youngest member or “”, with a huge fanbase hungry to support her harder after she failed to win the popular talent competition. They would expect her to unfurl, performing alongside the older, bolder members, so that when the band tragically goes on indefinite hiatus five years in, she would still be young — but experienced and famous — enough to have a long solo career ahead of her. Would they be conniving devils if they put all their eggs in the Ayra Starr “solo takeover” basket? I think not. She’ll sing all dem special bridges, and the stans will tag her “” because of her big vocals, a la BTS’ .

Positions: main vocalist, maknae

The , PURPLEWINE’s badassery would catch everyone’s attention right away. Their visuals would be unmatched, and since there aren’t that many local female acts, they would be an instant hit, dropping fast and catchy songs with a mostly afro-trap, amapiano sound. Their choreos would be tight; they would invent new moves that would go viral, and put their spin on old popular ones as well. Like every K-pop music video, theirs would smell of Hollywood blockbuster-worthy budgets that would get them huge numbers on YouTube. That would be the beginning of the Nigerian K-pop girl group global invasion. You’re welcome, Don Jazzy.

The Break-Up of an Iconic Girl Group

Unfortunately, the company would mismanage their finances, everyone would vex over the preferential treatment of Ayra, and as soon as their five-year contract is up, only three out of seven would renew. Most would want to return to their actual careers; they’ve acquired the status of global pop icons, so they can now run the acting, modelling or influencer industries too. But don’t worry, forever! 

There you have it. What do you think their fandom name should be? Tweet us or let us know in the comments section below.

READ ALSO: These 10 K-Pop Bands Should Be on Your Next Playlist

1. Janine Teagues as the I-too-know Fine Arts or Music teacher 

Janine is that teacher you try so hard to avoid, but you just can’t seem to escape her. For some reason, she always has a bubbly personality as if she’s not suffering in Nigeria like the rest of us. Always in charge of extra-curricular activities, she’s probably the teacher leading the debate club, the boring mid-term excursion or the end-of-year party’s choreography. Sis, rest abeg. She truly enjoys teaching, and if you let her, she’ll introduce herself to your family and become your lesson teacher.

2. Gregory Eddie as the strict Mathematics or Intro-Tech teacher

Teachers like Greg are always super annoying. Yes, we know our education is important, but, please, sir, be calming down. He’s the type of teacher to bombard you with assignments and give impromptu tests because he wants to . The only redeeming quality about Greg is his good looks. And the annoying thing is, he probably doesn’t even know it. Shame. 

3. Barbara Howard as the bougie French or Home Econs teacher

She’s the religious, bougie teacher who speaks British English. She’s probably going to teach a fancy subject that doesn’t stress her too much, because all she really wants to do is drag students to her office during lunch break to talk about Jesus Christ. She’s good at her job without putting too much effort into it and will most likely get along with your parents. Fun fact: her husband drops and picks her up from school every day, and her nail colour is always red or purple. 

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4. Ava Coleman as the short, skirt-wearing principal full of vibes and enjoyment

If there’s one thing we know about Principal Ava is that this woman is all vibes. She’s the type of principal who’ll change her name from Ijeoma to “IJ Baby” on a whim. Will she run the school to the ground and be the worst principal? Yes. But you can always count on her to make every graduation ceremony and prize-giving day lit AF! She’s also the type of principal that’ll tell your parents all the rubbish you did in school, just so she can famz with them and collect gifts once in a while. She’s incompetent as hell, but her fashion game will always be on point and hair will always be laid to slay. Purr. 

5. Jacob Hill as the “I want to be cool” NYSC teacher

Do you remember that NYSC teacher that always acted like he knew all the happening slangs and popping songs? Yes, that’s Jacob. Teachers like this are so desperate to connect with students, that it can start to become very irritating. You’re not one of us, sir; go and play with your age mates. 

6. Melissa Schemmenti as the easygoing Social Studies teacher 

She has all the tea about everyone in school. If you check, you’ll also see that her classes are fun because she’s always going off-topic with crazy “back in my days” gist. Students love her because she doesn’t eat into free periods and rarely has the energy to punish anybody. The coolest teacher for real. 

7. Mr. Johnson as the oversabi non-academic staff member

He’s not a teacher, but he’s constantly snitching on students to the principal. No one knows his full name, so he tends to go by Baba-Something. He’s either the bus driver, security guard or school cleaner. If you check the records, he’s probably been in that school since they opened. Major ancient-of-days vibe.

ALSO READ: What If Ozark Was a Nigerian TV Show?

Taking a page from their assignment, I have decided to compile it into a play.

THE DAY BEFORE THE OLYMPICS

A white BBC reporter is standing outside the stadium, speaking directly into a camera.

Reporter: Today, Nigeria is making history as the first African country to ever host the Olympics. Athletes from every part of the world will be landing in the country today…

A random Nigerian passerby comes to stand behind him and waves into the camera. The reporter stops.

Reporter: Please, we are recording here.

Man: I know. I came to collect omo onile money. 

Reporter: What?

Man: 12k.

Reporter: The government said we can record here.

Man: And where did you see the government here?

The reporter gives him some money and he walks away. The reporter goes back to reporting.

Reporter: According to reports reaching me, the Jamaican team is now at Murtala Muhammed Airport and will be heading to the… 

(The reporter stops and presses the earpiece in his right ear) What? What? (He looks straight into the camera) The Jamaican team has been taken from the airport by law enforcement officials. They say all of them have dreadlocks. (The reporter pauses to hear the news coming to him) Even Usain Bolt?

Reporter: News reaching us now is that Usain Bolt has also been taken into custody. And even though he doesn’t have dreads, the Nigerian police think he looks like a scammer.

A day before the Olympics. The reporter is sitting with Nigeria’s Honourable Minister of Youth and Sports Development, Mr. Sunday Akin Dare and other ministers.

Reporter: Honorable minister, the swim team has been complaining that there is no water in their hostel to take a bath.

Sunday Dare: Is it not swim they are going to swim tomorrow? Why do they need to bathe?

Reporter: We have not seen half of the American team since they arrived. Do you know where they might be?

Sunday Dare: Me too I have not seen them.

Reporter: When will the kits be ready? The games start tomorrow.

Sunday Dare: Let me call our tailor (He calls Abba) Hello?…. When??? …. Are you sure?? …. Don’t shift it again o! Okay. Okay!

Reporter: When will they get it?

Sunday Dare: December 12.

Reporter: But today is August 6th.

Sunday Dare: That’s what he told me. Abi you will talk to him?

Reporter: Mr. Lai, viewers from around the world are complaining that they may not be able to watch the Olympics.

Lai: Do they have NTA? It’s only NTA that will show it.

DAY OF THE OLYMPICS.

Everybody is standing outside the gate waiting for the stadium to be open.

Sunday Dare: (yells) Who carry key go house yesterday?!

Sellers and vendors start arranging their wares in front of the stadium. 

Vendor: Buy Gold Medal! No need to enter, buy gold here!

The gates are finally opened and everybody enters.

Commentator: The games have begun! Let the Olympic torch be lit!

Yoruba people: Ha

Commentator: Where is the Olympic torch?

Yoruba people: We used it to cook party rice oh. 

The athletes are preparing to start. President Buhari and other dignitaries are sitting in the stands.

Commentator 1: The relay will be starting soon but it appears the batons have disappeared.

A young man runs out with a basket and hands the athletes something.

Commentator 2: Are those brooms?

Buhari: HAY-FI-SIII!

Commentator 2: Back to the 100 meters race.

An athlete slumps.

Commentator: (screams) We need first aid on the field!

Sunday Dare: Go and pour glucose in her mouth!

Nigerian official: Someone has licked glucose finish o.

Sunday Dare: (yells at the athlete) STAND UP IN THE NAME OF JESOS!

Commentator: It is time for the indoor javelin game. And now, England steps up. She is going for it.

As the England athlete is about to throw it, the power goes out and the javelin lands next to Lai Mohammed but he holds his face and screams.

Lai: (yells) NO MORE UK VISA FOR ANYBODY!

Nigerians: 

Commentator 1: The next Javelin throw is from Nigeria.

Solomon Dalung steps up.

Commentator: What is he doing? That is not a javelin!

Solomon Dalung aims at Sunday Dare.

Sunday Dare: IF YOU SHOOT ME!

A fight ensues.

Commentators:

The medal ceremony is being held and all the winners are ready to be presented their medals.

Commentator: Where are the medals? There appear to be none.

Sunday Dare: The welder we gave the job to, his mummy is sick so he went to the village. So we will give you souvenirs.

Commentator: What?

Sunday Dare walks up to the winners and hands them a baff with the inscription ‘Adieu Mama T, courtesy children.” 

Everyone:

THE END OF THE OLYMPICS.

Reporter: We have come to the end of a very eventful olympics. Nigerians have been so welcoming. Some of them have chosen to see the athletes off.

Nigerians at the airport:

Reporter: And some athletes have chosen to stay back as they seem to have found love in a clearly hopeless place. I’ve been Mark Zugarbe, for BBC.

Nigerians at Ikoyi registry:

The cameraman turns off his camera.

Cameraman: When is our flight back to England then?

Reporter: Oh I wouldn’t hold my breath. Our pilot has been stuck in traffic for four hours. Just get your passport ready f… (he checks his pockets) Did you take my passport?

Cameraman: No. (searches his pocket too) Wait. Mine is gone as well.

Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji*

So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you.

It’s another frustrating day in Buhari’s country. Rain water has entered your house, nepa is doing shedibalabala with your current and KPOW – that’s the sound of your transformer exploding.

You’re insulting Nigeria on Twitter when a “Study and Work in Canada” ad flashes on your phone. You lift up your bed and bring out your passport. 

Passport: I don’t know why you were hiding me oh. It’s not like anybody wants to steal empty passport from you.

You:

Passport: Abeg bring me out for fresh air. No go kill me.

You put the passport on the table and google “How to apply for a visa to Canada”.

Passport: Just look at me. My mates are carrying visa and ticket. It’s nepa bill that they are using me to hold… Oga?

You: What?!

Passport: Did they say you should just be collecting passport and not be using it? 

You: Shut up your mouth.

Passport: (mumbles) If they are even using me to sell akara, it is better than all this nonsense.

You check your passport for the expiry date and find out it is expired.

You: Shit.

Passport: See your mouth like “shit”. Why won’t I expire? Are you using me?

PASSPORT OFFICE

You’ve paid for express passport and  you’re waiting for the officer. She comes out with a bunch of green passports.

Officer: You asked for 64 pages abi?

You nod. The officer hands you your passport.

Your passport: Where are you going that you’re collecting 64-page passport?

Official: What is the primary purpose of the passport?

You: I want to travel out.

Passport: It’s a lie oh. He wants to use me as ID card.

You:

Passport: Or have you ever travelled out?

You: (to the officer) I will be going to Canada this year.

Passport: 

You shove your passport into your breast pocket.

Passport: Chinedu? You didn’t baff today? Why is everywhere on your body smelling like goat? Is this why they don’t give us visa?

You’re walking to the bus stop with your passport and a Range Rover zooms past you and splashes some water on your body.

You shout in anger and the Range stops. A woman comes out of the car.

You: See how you stain my body with water!! Do you know where I am going?

Passport: Where are you going? Is it airport? Is it not your house?!

Woman: (with a British accent) I am sooo sorry. Here, let me get you to your destination.

You: It’s okay. My house is not far.

Passport: You better let them carry you, so that I can collect small AC and pretend I am in Canada. Because it is not like you will take me.

In the car.

Woman: (with her British accent) Where can I drop you?

You: (forced accent) Actually just down that street. 

Passport: When did you travel out to collect accent?

You: I just want to get my car.

Passport: Which stupid car?

Woman: Great. Is that your passport I see peeking?

Passport: Mummy is me, ma. Take me with you. Use me for trips. Save me from this oloriburuku.

You tuck your passport further in.

Passport: My mates are seeing Dubai, I am seeing 3k okirika shirt.

The car stops.

Woman: I’m sorry again for the splash. Let’s have dinner sometime?

Passport: You better say yes, werey. So they can carry us and travel.

You: Sorry, I have a girlfriend.

Passport: (stunned, then dejected) I will die in poverty.

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

What’s not to love about ATMs? If you just ignore the long queues, bad network, and occasional swallowing of cards, ATMs are a lifesaver. 

They do their jobs and let you go about your day. But what if you were stuck in a parallel universe where ATMs could speak?

It’s 5 a.m. A young man named Kunle leaves his house with his debit card and heads for the ATM down the road.

Kunle arrives and inserts his card into the machine. Nothing happens. Kunle slaps the machine to get it to work but still, nothing. He slaps it harder and the machine blinks to life.

ATM: Yes? What again?

Kunle asks to withdraw ₦50,000.

ATM: 

Kunle slaps the machine again.

ATM: When did you put N50k that you want to collect?

Kunle: Okay. Give me ₦20K then.

ATM: From where? Which job are you doing that you want to be seeing  â‚Ś20k? Is it not just to rub nixoderm and eat corn that you know? 

Kunle inserts another card and asks for ₦10,000.

ATM: Kunle, you go chop slap. You go chop slap this morning!

The next set of people are two girls named Linda and Tochi. They step up to the machine and Linda inserts her card, requesting for ₦100,000.

Linda: It’s time for me to shake my ass on a yacht! 

Both of them: In Dubai! In a thong!

ATM: It’s not only thong. Linda, it’s ₦302.56 that is in your account. 

Tochi: Let’s use my card.

ATM: Put it.

Tochi inserts her card and attempts to withdraw ₦100,000.

ATM: You can’t even pretend and press ₦1,500. Who do you want to form for? More than ₦5K usually enter your account?

The next person steps up. It’s a middle aged man named Baba Kafayah and his wife, Iya Kafayah. Baba Kafayah puts his card into the machine and asks for &˛Ô˛ú˛őąč;₦25,000.

ATM: Ah Baba Kafayah, good morning o. It’s the last money in your account that you gave Sidi yesterday. 

Mama Kafayah: EHN?!

ATM: He gave her for bum bum cream…

Baba Kafayah: (cuts in angrily) Shut up! Who say you should talk!

ATM: … And he gave Kudi money for wig.

Baba Kafayah:

Baba Kafayah:  Iya Kafayah, will you believe machine or your husband?

ATM: I can print the receipt for you. He used to bring Tola here too.

The ATM pushes out a receipt and Mama Kafayah starts to pull Baba Kafayah out of the queue, by his ear.

Iya Kafayah: 

Baba Kafayah: Sidi said bumbum is paining her. So I can’t help someone again?

A couple steps up, and the man, Chike, kisses the woman, Lolade, on her cheek. He proceeds to make his withdrawal while Lolade waits behind him.

Lolade: Babe, I’m so grateful you’re helping me with my fees. I really have nothing left in my account.

Chike smiles and punches the machine but after a while, he turns to Lolade.

Chike: Babe, the network is bad. The machine is not dispensing.

ATM: I am not dispensing abi you are putting the wrong pin?

ATM: No dey cut eye for me. Use your original pin and collect money!

Lolade: Chike? Is that true?

ATM: It’s true, he no wan give you money. Spend this money Oga Chike! But Madam, shey you won’t spend on bros as well.. Shey Chief just put ₦5 million in your account?

Chike:

Lolade: 

ATM: You people should please shift, I have work this morning.

Two men walk up to the machine. The first man, Kola, is in his late 20s and his companion is his father, Baba Kola.

Baba Kola: Remove the school fees I gave you last week.

Kola tries to insert his card. 

ATM: Ehs! If you put that card inside me, I will swallow it. Baba, his money is not here. It is in Silver Fox; inside woman’s pant.

Another man, Hakeem, walks up to the machine and inserts his card. He withdraws &˛Ô˛ú˛őąč;₦100,000 and goes in for more. He withdraws another &˛Ô˛ú˛őąč;₦100,000. He asks to withdraw another &˛Ô˛ú˛őąč;₦100,000.

ATM: Don’t lie, you’re just coming back from Oba, abi?

At night, an old man, Pa Saka, comes to the ATM, holding a calabash. He starts to read incantations. Pa Saka inserts his card.

Pa Saka: It is only ₦2,500 that is inside this card but I want you to vomit  â‚Ś2 million.

ATM: Another day, another madness.

ATM: I used to think this white hair on your head is wisdom. I didn’t know it was for fashion.

Pa Saka: Vomit money!

ATM: *swallows card* Go to the bank tomorrow and explain what you were doing here.

A group of armed robbers rush in and start trying to remove the ATM. They keep trying but fail. They turn to Pa. Saka.

Robbers: Give us all your money!

Pa Saka: I don’t have any money. ATM just swallowed my card now now.

Pa Saka’s last ₦2,500 comes out of the ATM.

ATM: You can take this one.

The robbers snatch it and leave.

Pa Saka: You know you’re mad?

ATM shrugs. Pa Saka leaves in tears

Baba Kayafah sneaks back to the ATM – this time without Iya Kafayah – and inserts his card.

ATM: Werey, another person don get bumbum pain abi?

Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Except when the GPS is voiced by your Nigerian mother. Heavy sigh.

It’s morning and a guy, casually dressed, steps into his Mercedes Benz and turns on the ignition.

As the engine revs, he enters a location into his phone and maps his route. He starts to drive. 

GPS: And where are you going without morning devotion?

David: Mummy, I’m in a hurry.

GPS: But God was not in a hurry to wake you up today.

David:

GPS: (hisses) Father Lord, we commit…

David impatiently taps the steering as his mother prays. She finishes and he starts to drive out of the compound.

GPS: I can see you have started wearing skeleton chain and doing your hair like garage boys. Is this what you want to be doing with your life?

David:

David: Mummy please, what I need to know now is the fastest route to where I am going.

GPS: Ask your father’s people. His sister is a witch, she will know.

David: Mummy! This thing is in your system.

GPS: Wait, let me wear glasses. And don’t rush me because you have started… Pass that left there.

David steps on the brake and makes a sharp turn.

GPS: Do you want to kill me, David? I’ve told you to stop driving like armed robber. Slow down, my friend.

David: (rolls eyes)

GPS: Enter that estate.

David: Mum, that is off route.

GPS: Are you going to believe that thing or are you going to listen to your mother?

David turns and drives into the estate.

GPS: You see that grey house? That’s where Dimeji and his wife are living. Their first child is already talking, I went to his baby’s dedication, last year. Where is your own family? Or is it until I die?

David: (sigh) Mum, I am working on it.

David’s phone announces – “Incoming call from Shedi Bala Bala”.

David rushes to turn it off but it is too late.

David:

GPS: (silence)

David: (coughs)

GPS: And that’s what you’re working on abi?

David: (silence)

GPS: You are just doing your life bala bala. And it’s not me you are doing, it’s you. Me, I have married. Just come out of the estate and let’s be going.

David continues driving.

GPS: Stop here! Stop! Park the car!

David: What is wrong?

GPS: (shouts) Mama Juliana! (to David) Help me call her now!

David calls for a woman in a small kiosk and she comes out.

GPS: Ahnahn, Mama Julie, I didn’t see you at the meeting last weekend o.

Mama Juliana: Haa, Mummy David. I sick one kain sick like that.

GPS: Abi Papa Juliana don put another one for there?

David: Mummy, this is not on my schedule.

GPS: You were not on my schedule either but here we are.

David:

45 minutes later.

GPS: Bye bye o, Mama Julie. Ehn ehn, what about…

David speeds off.

GPS: This is what I usually say about not having respect.

David sees a woman standing by the roadside holding a bottle of water. He stops.

David: Lillian?

Lillian: David! Oh My God!

David: Hop in! I’ll drive you.

Lillian gets in.

Lillian: It is so great to see you, My God! Oh, where can I put this bottle?

GPS: Put it on my head. You cannot greet abi?

Lillian: (taken aback)

David: It’s… (sigh) It’s my mum.

Lillian: Good evening ma. I’m sorry.

GPS: Sorry for yourself.

David: Mama, where should I pass now?

GPS: How will I know, now that you have gone to carry somebody, maybe you should find your way yourself.

David: Should I go straight?

GPS: No, fly off the bridge.

20 MINUTES LATER.

GPS: We have gotten there. Praise Master Jesus.

David and Lillian: (confused)

David: Lillian, is this where you are going?

Lillian: No.

David: This isn’t my destination either.

GPS: I know. It is where I want to buy lace material for Baba Peju’s golden jubilee. Now, David, enter inside and price Swedish Lace for me. And don’t come with rubbish or you will go back.

David: Mum, this is not where I am going!

GPS: Inside hangout and this place that I will get lace, which one is better? Come on, enter inside and do what I asked you to do! And I want to sleep small. I have been talking since morning, and you know I don’t like to talk too much.

David grumbles and walks in.

Lillian:

GPS: Do you use to read the book of Corinthians?