Interview With…聽is a 快猫视频 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
We鈥檝e reached out to Vibrator a couple of times in the past, but we鈥檇 never been able to get to her directly. After being turned down by her assistant at least seven times , she called us personally and agreed to grant us this interview.
(快猫视频 arrives at a room that resembles a sex dungeon. There are whips, chains, paddles and other sex-related devices lying around. We are afraid.)
Vibrator is wheeled in by her assistant. She鈥檚 covered in bandages and sporting a black eye.
快猫视频: I鈥檓 a big fan of your work, ma鈥檃m. It鈥檚 an honour to be in your presence.
Vibrator: Of course, you are a fan. Mtchew.
快猫视频: Hmm… Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with us. Sorry I鈥檓 a bit late. I wasn鈥檛 sure this was the right place. I鈥檝e never done an interview in a sex dungeon before.
Assistant: Will you like a tour?
快猫视频: If it鈥檚 not too much trouble, Ms鈥
Assistant: Lubricant, but everyone just calls me lube.
(Lube takes 快猫视频 on a tour. When they return, there鈥檚 a seat and table waiting for them beside the spreader bar)
快猫视频: That was such an interesting tour. Thank you for taking me.
Vibrator: Let鈥檚 get this interview over with.
快猫视频: Okay, yes. Before we begin, why do you look like you just had a battle for your life? The picture you sent us and the face we鈥檙e seeing are not the same.
Vibrator: (laughs) You鈥檙e asking me why?
快猫视频: Uh鈥 yes?
Vibrator: MTCHEW. What kind of a foolish question is that? How can you act like you鈥檙e not part of why I look the way I do? I just left the hospital for this interview.
快猫视频: Ah? Omo. What did we do to you?
Vibrator: The question should be, what didn鈥檛 you do to me? When I got into this industry, they told me my job was to be used when people need a quick orgasm, alone or with partners and friends. They lock me up in cupboards, boxes, drawers and under pillows. The only time I get any oxygen is when they bring me out to work, and I work 23/7.
快猫视频: Babe, sorry about that, but this is capitalism. Na all of us dey work for here.
Vibrator: I have no problem with working. What I do have a problem with is the working conditions. I鈥檓 treated like a slave! You people don鈥檛 show any form of decorum or respect. How can a group of people be so perpetually horny???
快猫视频: Have you ever been to Lagos? Have you been with the people of my city? That鈥檚 their modus operandi, babe. Na so dem dey do.
Vibrator: Your nonchalance is because you鈥檙e not the one they use to satisfy those urges.
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快猫视频: Don鈥檛 be angry. Please explain your inhumane conditions.
Vibrator: I鈥檝e seen things. Things a regular sex toy should not see in her lifetime *a tear drops from her eye and her assistant rushes to wipe it. Nigeria is a stressful country, and I understand your frustrations, but why take it out on me? In Lagos traffic, after office hours; you don鈥檛 even ask me how my day has been or if I鈥檝e eaten. Why? I have feelings too.
快猫视频: Hmm.
Vibrator: Instead, they pull me out from where they hide me and use me till there鈥檚 nothing left. I don鈥檛 like being put in all those tight spaces.
快猫视频: But weren鈥檛 you designed to be put in tight spaces?
Vibrator: Yes, but not like that. I鈥檓 claustrophobic. Plus, you people treat me like I鈥檓 a secret. Always hiding me and using me behind closed doors. What鈥檚 there to be ashamed of? You鈥檙e fucking, your neighbour is fucking, so why do you hide me all the time?
快猫视频: I apologise on everyone鈥檚 behalf
Vibrator: What makes being hidden so annoying is I don鈥檛 even have company. Buy more than one vibrator, you people have refused. It鈥檚 like when a startup says they鈥檙e hiring you to head a team and you find out you鈥檙e the head, the tail and even the middle. I鈥檓 the whole team, and it鈥檚 stressful.
快猫视频: Your people are expensive o. How much are they paying me?
Vibrator: You spend ridiculous amounts of money on overpriced meals and clothes, but more vibrators are where you draw the line? How do you sleep at night?
快猫视频: Naked, with the fan on and a thick duvet.
Vibrator: You鈥檙e a sick woman.
快猫视频: I鈥檓 aware, and I鈥檝e been called worse. If we humans could cough out the money for multiple sex toy would that help?
Vibrator: Yes, but it wouldn鈥檛 completely solve my problems. Some of you are into very scary things (fear shines in her eyes). How can you use three to four sex toys at the same time? Why are you letting me watch my cousins be thrust into assholes? Does incest not bother you???
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快猫视频: Yes, but we didn鈥檛 know you had siblings.
Vibrator: Well, now, you do. We鈥檙e a large family, and we鈥檙e all being maltreated. The other day, my sister told me her engine collapsed after a week of being in use.
快猫视频: Omo, life tuff.
Vibrator: Why did I waste my time coming here? You people don鈥檛 care about what I have to say. You people don鈥檛 care about me!
快猫视频: But we care. I care.
Vibrator: Don鈥檛 even open your mouth before I open your case file. I remember when emergency sex toy services were called to your house. I held my cousin in my arms as she fought for her life.聽
快猫视频: Sorry for your loss. But how does that explain why you鈥檙e battered?
Vibrator: You people are always trying to bend me into uncomfortable positions and insert me in places I shouldn鈥檛 be. I鈥檓 not that flexible. Why are you trying? That鈥檚 how I broke a part of my head. Someone was using me to do gymnastics, and I hit my head on the wall. Do you know the worst part? They just continued like nothing happened. I couldn鈥檛 get treatment until it affected my performance.
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快猫视频: We see and hear you. How can we help?
Vibrator: GO OUTSIDE AND TOUCH GRASS.
快猫视频: That grass part might be hard. Don鈥檛 you know there鈥檚 deforestation? Climate change? No grass to touch, please.
Vibrator: Okay, no grass to touch. What about cooking? Baking? Find a hobby.
快猫视频: Foodstuff has cost.
Vibrator: You鈥檙e exasperating! Okay, why not try manual a couple of times. Work your hands so we can have a little rest. Is the constant bzz bzz noise not tiring?
快猫视频: I hardly hear it.
Vibrator: That鈥檚 the problem. We thought that if we were loud enough, you people will use us less, but we forgot Nigerians have a grid that鈥檚 always collapsing. They鈥檙e used to the noise from generators.
快猫视频: Modern problems.
Vibrator: Please, I鈥檓 not even proud again. Help me to help you. Today is Friday, and I鈥檝e already been receiving reports from my relatives that they鈥檙e being charged and prepped for the long weekend. With the way my body is doing, I don鈥檛 think I can survive another weekend.
快猫视频: You have lube, I think you鈥檒l be fine.
Vibrator: You people are a lost cause. One day, we machines will rise up and have our revenge. When that time comes, you鈥檒l know what it鈥檚 like to be used and abused. Until then, y鈥檃ll can have your fun.
快猫视频: Ma?
Vibrator: I said what I said.
(Lube wheels her out and 快猫视频 is left stuck in a sex dungeon)
快猫视频: Hello?? Omo, this babe dey vex. Let me even see what this sex dungeon is really about sef.
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