In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he talks about marrying a single mum, the boundaries he’s still struggling to accept and why, despite everything, patience has become the hardest part of his marriage.

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I thought marriage would feel like a romance movie

I was a proper lover boy growing up. I consumed every relationship story I could get my hands on. I was always reading romance novels or watching love stories. I remember being obsessed with soaps like “When You Are Mine” and “The Gardener’s Daughter”. Somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that my own marriage would look like that, too.

Obviously, I knew real life wouldn’t be perfect, but I genuinely believed I’d find my princess and we’d build this beautiful, romantic life together.

That mindset even shaped how I dated. Not to brag, but if you ask any of my exes, they’ll probably tell you I was one of the most romantic men they’d been with. I always believed love deserved effort.

So when I pictured marriage, I pictured a fairytale. Maybe not exactly like the movies, but close enough that I’d spend my life trying to recreate it.

I never imagined I’d marry a single mum

If there’s one thing that has surprised me the most about marriage, it’s my wife.

In every version of my future I imagined growing up, there wasn’t one where I married someone who already had a child or had been married before. But I guess that’s life. You never really know where love will find you.

We attended university together, then lost touch for almost five years before reconnecting. She was just as beautiful as I remembered, and everything happened naturally from there.

I’d seen her son before, but I never asked questions. I suspected he was hers, but I promised myself I’d wait until she was ready to tell me. She eventually did, about a year into our relationship.

By then, my feelings were already too deep for it to change anything. Ironically, accepting it myself turned out to be the easy part.

My family almost convinced me to walk away

The real doubts started when I introduced her to my family. My parents liked everything about her until my mum found out she already had a child. It was almost like someone flipped a switch. Suddenly, there were endless reasons why I shouldn’t continue. According to my mum, I deserved someone without any “history.”

If I’m being honest, a small part of me understood where she was coming from. Then, just as wedding preparations had begun, my wife’s son’s father suddenly returned from abroad after years away and wanted to be an active father again.

That complicated everything. I found myself wondering whether I was really ready for the kind of marriage I was walking into. It wasn’t just about marrying the woman I loved anymore. It also meant accepting that another man would always have a place in our lives because of their child.

In the end, love won because I chose her anyway.

Learning to share fatherhood has been my hardest lesson

Nobody prepared me for what it actually means to marry someone who already has a child.

My stepson lives with us, and I genuinely love him. Somewhere along the way, he stopped feeling like “my wife’s son” and simply became my son too. But loving him hasn’t removed the complicated parts.

His biological father still comes to our house to pick him up sometimes, and I’ve never been comfortable with that. Personally, I don’t think he should even know where we live.

The one time I raised it with my wife, it became a serious argument. Afterwards, I kept wondering whether I was being unreasonable or simply protecting my own peace.

The difficult thing is that I can’t exactly run to my parents for advice because they never supported the marriage in the first place. Sometimes it feels like I’m figuring everything out alone.

And if I’m honest, whenever I have to figure things out by myself, I usually end up choosing the option that makes everyone else comfortable except me.

My stepson’s birthday exposed everything we’d been avoiding

Last year, my stepson turned 10. My wife and I had agreed to organise a small celebration until his father stepped in and insisted on throwing a much bigger party.

The moment that happened, I quietly stepped back. I cancelled the plans I’d already made, bought my stepson a nice gift and some money, and decided I wouldn’t attend the party. My wife was disappointed but respected my decision.

She and my stepson left the day before the party and didn’t return until two days later. By the time they got home, I was angry. I said things I shouldn’t have said. I accused her of taking me for granted and told her that not every man would tolerate everything I’d tolerated.

Looking back, I regret saying those things in front of the child. I apologised later that day because no matter how frustrated I felt, he didn’t deserve to witness that.

Still, the conversation itself needed to happen. I’ve never asked my wife to stop her son’s father from being involved. In fact, people complain every day about absent fathers. If a father genuinely wants to show up for his child, that’s a good thing.

What I’ve struggled with is boundaries. We’re still figuring out what those should look like.

Marriage has taught me patience, even when I don’t feel patient

Marriage has definitely made me a more patient person. I wouldn’t describe my younger self as impatient, but these days I’m much more intentional about processing my emotions before reacting. It’s changed how I deal with people outside my home, too. Situations that would’ve gotten an immediate reaction from me years ago barely get one now.

One thing that hasn’t changed is my romantic side. I still enjoy making my wife feel special. Last Valentine’s Day, I planned a family trip to Ghana. Before we got back, I’d already arranged for a neighbour to receive a giant surprise package and leave it in our house. Watching her open it remains one of my favourite memories from our marriage.

Moments like that remind me why I fell in love with her in the first place. At the same time, I’d be lying if I said I don’t sometimes wonder whether marrying someone with an existing family was the right decision.

If I could advise my younger self today, I’d probably tell him not to go down that path, not because single mothers don’t deserve love, but because relationships like ours come with complications that many people underestimate.

Sometimes those old family ties blur boundaries, even when nobody intends for them to. Maybe I feel this way because my wife and I are still waiting for our own child together. I believe that chapter will change a lot for us.

Until then, I’m choosing to hold on to the part of me that has always believed in love, even when it turns out very differently from the fairytale I imagined growing up.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Mira (26) and  Tom (30) connected on social media in 2015 but didn’t interact until 2023. 

On this week’s Love Life, they discuss why Mira’s escape plan backfired spectacularly, what it means to build a marriage across continents and cultures, and how faith has kept them together through everything.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tom: We met on social media in 2015. We’d been following each other for about four years on Instagram and Facebook but barely interacted. We just existed in each other’s feeds, occasionally reacting to each other’s stories and keeping it moving. 

Then, in 2023, I reacted to something she posted on her Facebook story — I can’t even remember what it was — and she responded. That’s when everything changed.

Mira: Tom’s account always seemed suspicious because he barely posted anything. I thought it was fake for years. Who has a profile with almost no posts?

At some point, he reacted to my Facebook story, and we started engaging with each other’s posts. Around the same time, though, I found out he was trying to talk to one of my friends, which I thought was weird. So I ignored him until he came around again in 2023. That’s when our story really began.

Right. Let’s talk about that first real interaction in 2023

Tom: It was just a normal conversation.

Mira: Was it normal, though? 

When he reached out again, a part of me felt like, “oh, this fake account guy”. I wasn’t actively looking for a relationship, but I was open to possibilities. 

I assumed he was in my DMs to flirt so I replied to see where the conversation would go.  It was so random, but he started talking about African products. He was telling me how much he loved African black soap, shea butter and cocoa butter. Most people don’t care about those things the way he did. I remember thinking, “What exactly is this guy talking about?”

 To make sure he was real, I asked him to send me a video. Once he did, I realised he wasn’t a catfish. But I was still confused about why he cared so much about African products.

Tom: I’ve had a deep interest in African culture since I was young. I remember telling my classmates in Europe that I’d marry an African. They laughed because there weren’t any Africans where I lived, but it was something I genuinely wanted. So finding out Mira was African felt like a real connection point for me. Like the universe was saying, “Yes, this is what you’ve been looking for.”

Nice. How did your relationship progress after that first conversation?

Tom: We actually stopped talking for a while and went back to liking each other’s pictures on social media. Then I travelled to Asia for a modelling job, and for some reason, I couldn’t get Mira out of my mind. So I reached out again. That’s when we started having video calls and really getting to know each other. 

Mira: We talked for about three consecutive months as friends, and it felt like we’d never stopped talking at all. It was odd because we’d followed each other for years without talking, and then we suddenly couldn’t stop. 

Tom is a model, so travelling is a huge part of his life. His work also helped him secure a modelling contract in the Philippines, where I lived at the time. So we made plans for him to visit.

Curious, Mira. You mentioned you weren’t exactly in the headspace for something new. What changed with Tom?

Mira: I saw his pictures and thought, “Okay, he’s cute.” But beyond that, he was calm and easy to talk to.

One thing that stood out was how present he was; he replied to messages in record time. I was used to guys taking hours to respond to “maintain” some kind of steeze. But that wasn’t Tom. He responded as soon as my messages came in, and I liked that. Before I knew it, I’d gone from not being interested in a relationship to wanting to see where things could go between us.

Makes sense. What was it like finally meeting in person?

Top: That was one hilarious moment. I arrived in the Philippines and went straight to the apartment my modelling agency provided. Later, Mira came to see me on her motorbike. The first thing I noticed was how shy she was. She looked like she wanted to turn around and go home.

Mira: I was incredibly nervous and shy. The funny thing is that he didn’t help matters. He seemed just as panicked, which made me wonder if he wasn’t happy to see me or if I wasn’t what he’d expected.  I was ready to turn around and leave. But I reminded myself that we’d spent three months talking almost every day. No matter how awkward the moment felt, he was still the same person I’d been speaking to. So I stayed.

Looking back, I think we were both dealing with first-meeting nerves. Once we got past that, everything felt comfortable again. It was like we’d known each other for much longer than three months.

Tom: After our first meeting, we started going on dates and spending more time together. Mira stayed with me while I completed my three-month modelling contract in the Philippines.

We’d already grown so comfortable with each other online that being together in person made everything feel more real. We eventually started dating because it felt natural and right.

Wait, when did you ask her out?

Mira: There wasn’t a formal “Will you be my girlfriend?” moment. We just found ourselves inside a relationship. With Tom, I could be completely myself. He loved me exactly as I was, which meant a lot to me as a Nigerian who grew up in an Asian country. I know how difficult dating can be when you’re constantly navigating stereotypes and assumptions. Even when I dated other Nigerians, I didn’t always feel as secure as I did with Tom.

I never felt like I had to second-guess who I was around him, and my feelings naturally grew deeper because of that.

Still, I had to ask questions at some point. Like, “What we have is great, but what are we?” And he was like, “We’re together. We’re in a relationship.” 

That was towards the end of 2023.

Fair enough. So what happened after you completed your contract, Tom?

Tom: I had to leave the Philippines, which meant we were thrown into a long distance relationship for a year.

It wasn’t easy, but we stayed consistent. We video-called every day, spent hours talking and remained present in each other’s lives despite the distance.

Mira: We actually had a conversation in the park before he left. He was completely honest with me. He said he didn’t know what the future would look like. He wasn’t from my country, and he was constantly moving around for his modelling career. He couldn’t promise how things would work long-term.

I was sad because I knew how hard long distance could be. But I trusted God. I believed that if what we had was genuine and real, it would work out regardless of the distance.

So when did you reunite? 

Tom: A year later.  I returned to the Philippines, and  I came back knowing I wanted to marry her.

Mira: I’d always made it clear that I wanted to date with marriage in mind. I didn’t want to invest years in anything that wasn’t going anywhere. Still, I didn’t expect things to move that quickly.

When he told me he believed I was the right person for him and wanted us to get married, I was shocked. But I said yes immediately. I didn’t need to talk to anyone. I just knew. We’d communicated so much and spent so much time together, even across distance.

What inspired this decision, Tom? 

Tom: Long distance was incredibly hard. There were temptations, loneliness, moments of doubt and darkness. But our faith kept us together. We called each other every day. We prayed and studied the bible together. We spent a lot of time talking about our beliefs. That spiritual foundation became our anchor. When I came back and saw her, I knew it was time to commit fully. It was time to marry her. 

Mira: Faith played a huge role for me, too. I grew up in a very Christian family, and my parents showed me what faith looked like in practice. As our relationship progressed, I saw Tom become more intentional about his relationship with God. His growth made me feel secure about our future.

I knew that even with the distance and all the challenges we faced, God was with us. That was one of the major reasons I said yes to marrying him.

When did you get married?

Mira: December 2024. My parents were surprised that I was marrying someone who wasn’t Nigerian, but they never opposed the relationship.

They also saw how intentional Tom was. He called constantly, stayed involved in my life and always showed up for me. They could see he was serious about me. The long distance didn’t worry them because they saw his commitment was genuine.

Tom: My parents were separated at that time, so the wedding logistics were complicated. But we had them on a video call during the ceremony. 

The wedding itself was beautiful. I had to wear traditional Nigerian attire and do the traditional Nigerian wedding dances and customs. Her family made me go down on the floor and say all sorts of things in Yoruba. It was all new for me and I was nervous about it. But it was fun. I enjoyed it. I loved wearing the outfit and experiencing her culture directly. It was one of the best days of my life.

What were the early days of marriage like?

Tom: Everything was fine at first, but we quickly realised marriage was different from dating. 

Mira: The first year particularly wasn’t easy, and it had nothing to do with our marriage. We didn’t have issues transitioning to living together or adjusting to each other, but I had some unexpected health issues that made it hard for me to be present the way I wanted.

Beyond that, there were huge practical challenges. Long distance is great when you’re dating, but when you’re married, you’re suddenly thinking about where to settle, how to build a life together, nd where to have kids. 

His job requires constant travel. If he stops, he has to start over in a completely new field. And as an interracial couple, finding a place to settle with all the immigration paperwork and requirements is complicated. Instead of enjoying a honeymoon phase, we spent a lot of time figuring out logistics. 

Tom: The good thing is that those challenges never affected our marriage itself.  We never got to a point where the external challenges affected our love or made us want to leave. We kept communicating, praying and working through things together. And things got better over time. We stopped fighting our circumstances and accepted that long distance, travel and cultural differences would always be part of our story.

What were some specific challenges you had to work through?

Mira: The biggest challenge was figuring out where to build our life. We both didn’t grow up in one place. Tom left Europe when he was 18 to model. I grew up in the Philippines, not Nigeria. So we didn’t have a home country to return to together. That was complicated.

Finding a place where we could legally settle with all the paperwork was hard. Eventually, we chose Europe because my passport is stronger. But that meant both of us had to adjust to a new culture.

We also had differences in how we organise things. Tom is extremely organised. He obsesses about where everything is placed. If something is missing, even something as small as a pair of socks, he needs to know exactly where it is. I’m the complete opposite. I just throw my things anywhere. If I can’t find a pair of socks, I’ll just buy another one. Why stress about a pair when I can just get new ones? For him, that’s torture. He would obsess about finding that specific pair of socks. We argued about that a lot in the beginning. 

But here’s the thing that really got me. I thought I married outside of Nigerian culture to escape certain expectations. Then I found out he wants me to cook African food more than any Nigerian guy probably would want.

Tom: Yes, I really love African food. I grew up dreaming about African culture, about marrying an African woman, and experiencing African traditions. Now that I’m married to Mira, I want to experience all of it, including the food. I want her to cook jollof rice, fufu, and all these traditional meals. But I’m also learning to cook some of it myself. Her mum also helps out a lot.

Mira: I was so frustrated because I grew up in the Philippines. I’m not the best cook when it comes to African food. I don’t even eat some of these meals because I don’t know how to cook them properly. I remember thinking, ” Oh, wow, I thought I escaped the matrix”. But here I am, married to a white European guy who wants jollof rice and fufu more than I do. It was ironic. 

Screaming. 

Mira: I think it’s all about making compromises. My mum cooks real African food for him. Sometimes we go to African restaurants.  Sometimes he gets to eat at my aunt’s house. And I’ve learned to cook some simple things. We figured it out.

Speaking of Tom’s job, did you ever struggle with jealousy or insecurity, Mira?

Mira: Absolutely. During the long-distance stage, it was hard not to overthink. The modelling industry is full of beautiful women, and I sometimes wondered whether he’d eventually find someone better. I remember him casually mentioning that one of his colleagues was pretty, and I spent far too much time thinking about it afterwards. But Tom is very honest. He doesn’t talk about other women in a way that makes me uncomfortable. And I realised that I’m also beautiful. 

Plus, I know him. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would just tell me directly. He would never cheat. He’s not wired that way. Once I realised that, I stopped overthinking. I trusted him, and it’s worked out.

Sweet. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Tom: For me, it’s finding someone I can talk to about everything. Mira’s not only my partner; she’s also my best friend. We know everything about each other. There are no secrets or walls between us. And I love that about her. I love that about us.

Mira: Tom is present. Even during our year of long distance, he was always there for me. He’s loyal, honest and vulnerable. He’s not afraid to show his emotions or be strong when I need him. I love that balance. And the best part is that we’re helping each other become better versions of ourselves. We’re growing together spiritually, emotionally, in every way.

By December, our marriage will be two years. And we have some big news that we’re excited to share. 

Oh?

I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby soon. I feel like God made him to be my partner in this life.

Congratulations, guys. Excited for you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Mira: Definitely an 11. We’ve survived almost two years of marriage. We navigated a long-distance relationship for a year. We overcame unexpected health challenges. Everything we thought would break us, we got through it with God. 

His constant travelling is still a challenge sometimes. But right now, we’re in such a good place. We’re really happy.

Tom: For me, it’s also an 11. Maybe even higher. I believe that everything, the good and the bad, is bringing us closer together and strengthening our relationship. 

I couldn’t ask for more.

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Mayowa (25) and Mfon (23) first met in high school in 2017 but didn’t reconnect until 2023 at church. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how a health crisis brought them together, the vulnerable moments that solidified their commitment, and why they knew marriage was the plan from the very beginning.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this .

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Mfon: It was 2017. I was in year 10, and my dad had just transferred me from my old boarding school to a day school. My new school  really far from home, so I had to take the school bus every single day. Starting senior school as the new kid was a bit intimidating and overwhelming. 

One day, a year 11 student sat next to me at the front of the bus. His name was Mayowa. We didn’t have long conversations on that ride, but I remember distinctly noticing how quiet and withdrawn he was. That’s my clearest earliest memory of him.

Mayowa: I didn’t notice Mfon much at first. I’d been at that school for a while and was more like an OG on the school bus. We shared the front seat because there weren’t many spots up in the bus, so we were forced to interact. And that was how we started talking. We’d have random conversations — just typical teenage stuff. We probably knew each other for about half a term, maybe six weeks total, before we both left that school. It was really just a brief moment in time.

That was in 2017. How did you guys reconnect?

Mayowa: Church. We hadn’t spoken for about six years, but I knew Mfon on X because she tweeted a lot. That’s how I found out that we attend the same church. One day, I sent a text saying I’d been seeing her posts but never spotted her at church. I suggested we link up because I really loved seeing people I know at church. The day she finally showed up, I introduced her to everyone and told them we had gone to secondary school together. 

Mfon: My memory of our reunion is a bit different. A mutual friend reposted his photo on IG, so I checked out his profile and followed him. Then a few months later,  the church text happened. 

We didn’t meet for a month after he texted. I’d been attending for over a year but hadn’t connected with anyone. I was walking toward the back when I heard people laughing. I turned around, and there he was, cracking everyone up. That surprised me.  I remembered him as quiet. 

He walked over, said hi, and introduced me to a bunch of people. That’s how I made my first friends in that church.

I’m guessing your friendship started that day. What happened next?

Mfon: He was in a relationship when we reunited, so we kept being friends. But then I fell ill and needed a blood transfusion. I dropped a message in a group chat we’re both in, saying I needed blood, and I included my mum’s contact.  I was shocked when he came to the clinic to donate blood for me. We weren’t even that close, but he showed up.

Mayowa: When I saw her message, I knew I had to go. She was family to me in church. Sadly, I wasn’t even able to donate, but I still went to check on her. 

About a week later, I called her phone to check on her, and her mum picked up. I was taken aback and asked about Mfon’s whereabouts, and she told me she’d relapsed and returned to the hospital. I rushed down immediately.

Mfon: It probably sounds weird, but I was so ashamed about relapsing. I didn’t want to tell my friends, including Mayowa. After he found out, he kept checking on me. I think that really solidified our friendship. We were constantly talking and texting each other. It became our daily routine.

Sounds sweet. Was this when you realised there were romantic feelings involved?

Mayowa: I can’t pinpoint an exact day or moment when I realised I had developed deeper feelings for her. For me, we didn’t plan anything; we kind of talked ourselves into it naturally.

I started to realise something was changing when it was becoming weird not to talk to Mfon every day. I’d also gotten out of my previous relationship, but I knew I had to be clear headed before getting into something new. 

I gave myself about six months before I even said anything about my feelings to Mfon. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a rebound or a mistake. I was also being really careful because I’d struggled with communication in past relationships, and I didn’t want to repeat those same patterns with her. 

Mfon: For me, it really came from an admiration point of view. I started observing and noticing so many incredible qualities about Mayowa that I hadn’t given much attention to; how thoughtfully he looked after his friends, how serious and intentional he was about his faith and his relationship with God. I began thinking about what the possibilities might be if we crossed the line from friendship into romance, but I wasn’t entirely certain or confident about it. I just knew that I had developed a soft spot for him and that he was becoming increasingly special to me. 

Then, one day, a few months into our friendship, he told me that he liked me. My exact response was, “I’m buying what you’re selling.” It was such a simple statement but it felt true and right in that moment. 

Around the same time, a close friend sat me down and said something eye-opening. She said, “Do you realise you talk about him literally all the time? Your daily plans and activities are completely synchronized with his. We can’t plan anything without consulting him.” 

That’s when everything clicked. She was absolutely right. I genuinely liked this guy more than a friend.

Mayowa, let’s talk more about confessing your feelings. How did that go?

Mayowa: I was on a trip when this conversation happened. I told her that I liked her and wanted to marry her. Not just casual dating, but getting married and building a life together. But I also laid bare my fears about entering into a relationship with her. 

I acknowledged that we’re really great friends, and I was genuinely scared of ruining our friendship if things didn’t work out. I also shared my struggles in past relationships, particularly with communication and vulnerability. I was honest about those weaknesses and told her how I was working to improve myself. I didn’t come in pretending to be perfect. I was transparent about where I was at.

Mfon: I didn’t take his words seriously at first because he was on a trip. I thought maybe he was just having a moment. But then he came back and asked for a proper conversation. He shared his concerns and fears openly, and I felt safe sharing mine in return. I told him that I needed to really know him on a deep level, not just for fun or surface-level companionship. I needed to truly understand what he stands for, his values, likes and dislikes, so I could predict his reactions and fully understand his personality. 

Now, I had this rule about not dating my close friends. I’d always said I couldn’t do it, especially with someone I saw regularly and felt close to. But then a pastor said something that really challenged that belief. He asked, ‘Those of you who say you won’t date your friends, is your enemy the person you want to marry?’ That comment stuck with me and made me reconsider my own rules. So I did a lot of soul-searching. I thought deeply about my future and what I actually wanted to have in it. I prayed about it extensively. And after all that reflection and prayer, I decided to give him a real chance.

When did you become official?

Mfon: He told me he liked me in September 2024. But we were in a talking stage until April 2025 because I had a personal standard of needing a long talking stage before becoming officially exclusive with someone. I always said I would never date anyone until I’d had substantial conversations with them for a full six months. If it took too long to wait, they were free to leave. But once we both understood clearly that we wanted to make the relationship work, it just made sense to take it to the next level and become official.

What were the early days of dating like?

Mfon: They weren’t much different from when we were in the talking stage. The transition felt seamless. We just kept talking constantly and being together. We literally did a 56-hour FaceTime call at one point. We were so immersed in talking to each other that we kept the call going and going. We’d fall asleep on the call, wake up, and continue the conversation without missing a beat. 

I’d be at work and ask my boss for a minute to talk to him. Even during meetings, I’d step out just to check in. By 10 p.m. every single night, no matter how exhausted he was from work, he would call. It became such an ingrained habit and routine for us.

Mayowa: It felt that way because we weren’t spending tons of physical time together. She was staying with her parents, and I was staying alone. We’d see each other at church and go on dates, but we got so used to talking every day that if we didn’t see each other’s face on FaceTime, it felt like we were arguing. Even now, I promise we just talk. It’s embedded in our system. I think talking like that really helped us become great friends, genuinely. We talked ourselves into affection. 

So Mayowa’s communication struggles from past relationships were non existent with you? 

Mfon: He turned out to be the extreme communicator. If something happens now, he wants to talk about it immediately. He’s always calling and messaging. He even jokes that he’s the caller in the relationship. I never experienced the things he said he struggled with. I think he just saw me and decided he was ready to be serious.

Mayowa: If something bothered me, I’d mention it right away. 

But there was one time we had a bigger misunderstanding and we couldn’t settle it on a call. 

We apologised and communicated like we used to, but it still didn’t feel settled. The next day was church, and when I saw her, I was wondering why I’d even been mad. I asked her if we could go out after service because I just wanted to be with her. Once we were together, the situation was resolved.

Sweet. At what point did you realise you wanted to spend the rest of your life together?

Mayowa: There was a moment, I can’t say exactly when, where I laid down my fears completely. I was completely unfiltered about where I was in life and where I was trying to get to. That day we didn’t say ”I love you.” We said, “I choose you.” That word felt deeper than love because it showed that in thick and thin, I’m choosing this person for life. 

When she said she chose me, something shifted in my head. I realised this was someone who fell in love with a basic version of me and chose me despite everything. That meant so much.

Mfon: It was the same moment for me. There was a time when I genuinely thought he was going to leave. We’d gotten into a little squabble, and I wasn’t 100% sure we were going to end up together; this was still during our talking stage. But he drove to my house in the middle of work and shattered my walls with his words. Later that night, he sent me text messages saying he never thought anybody would really love him if they knew the true him, and how thankful he was. That day we both knew we’d choose each other forever.

So after that moment, how did things move towards marriage?

Mayowa: I was ready for marriage from the moment I asked her out. The next step after dating was always going to be marriage. It was only a question of when.

I proposed in April, and it wasn’t a shock to her. It was just me officially asking her to be my fiancĂ©e and giving her the proposal of her dreams. I’d already planned the wedding venue and everything.

Mfon: After my last relationship in university, I made a rule that the next person I dated would be my husband. I spent years in other situations and talking stages, but nobody ticked my boxes. Then Mayowa came and hit every single one. I had my non-negotiables, and he just came in perfect. Five out of five on everything. Honestly didn’t think I would be surprised when he proposed, but I cried. I actually helped plan my friend’s birthday earlier, and I thought the proposal event was for that. But it was mine. I was shocked and just so happy. We’re getting married in June. 

Congratulations. Has wedding planning stressed you?

Mayowa: We’ve been able to work through it together. I’m very involved in the planning. If she’s tired, I take over. If someone is stressing her, I stress them back. If there are things that really matter to her, I prioritise them. We just make decisions together without fighting about colours or styles. If something matters to one of us, we do it.

Mfon: It’s been really easy because we’re doing it together. He’s very hands-on and takes a lot of the weight off my shoulders. The only stressful part was planning the female Aso-Ebi because I did that alone. But he’s always protecting the things I want. He makes sure to emphasise why the things I want are important and why they have to happen. This whole process has really helped us bond because we realise that prioritising each other over everyone else is what matters. If he doesn’t want something, it’s not happening.

What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Mfon: The best thing is the assurance of growth. I know that by the end of this year, I won’t be the same person. He reminds me of the things I said I would do. We have financial, spiritual, and career goals. Being with Mayowa is an assurance that you’ll grow in so many areas. And the growth isn’t one driven by tough love. I’ve felt loved while growing. I’ve never felt alone.

Mayowa: Honestly, the best thing is getting to spend the rest of my life with her. Before we started dating, one of my biggest goals was to move from being avoidant to being secure. She’s the most loving person I know. When someone loves you that much, it’s easy to love back.

I used to love my personal space, but when she’s not in that space, it doesn’t feel personal anymore. I want to spend every single day with her. That’s how much she means to me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Mayowa: I’d rate it a 10, or even more. I don’t know what more I need. I’m extremely happy. The only greater love story I know than ours is the one of Jesus Christ on the cross. 

Mfon: Definitely a 10 and then some. Every time I think this is the best it can be, it just gets better. I know that by the end of this year, something will happen that makes me love him even more. 

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Dasola* (31) moved to Ibadan in 2024 to start over after her mother’s death. Then, she met Tayo* (39). 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about going from a temporary distraction to moving in together and dealing with the mother of his eight year old son. 

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tayo: I first noticed Dasola at a hotel in Ibadan in March 2024. 

She was working in the lobby, and I immediately became interested in her, so I sent the receptionist to get her attention. When that didn’t work, I sent a waitress. Eventually, I had to summon the courage to approach her myself. That first conversation turned into a mini-date. 

I found out later that she worked remotely and used the hotel as her unofficial work station.

Dasola: That’s not exactly how I remember it. 

I had just moved to Ibadan after my mother passed away. I left Lagos and all its chaos and got a hybrid job as head of marketing and communications at a travel and exam prep agency. On the days I worked remotely, I’d go to the bar of a hotel near my house to use the light and just relax while working. 

One day, I went there as usual and noticed the bar was closed as I was getting off my bike. While I was figuring out my next move, he walked up to say hello. I was impatient because I had a meeting in a few minutes, but he assured me the place would open soon. He sounded so confident that I decided to wait. 

That’s how we started talking.

What piqued your interest in each other?

Tayo: I’d been coming to that bar for a while, but she was the first unfamiliar face I’d seen. That immediately sparked my curiosity. But she was always working on her laptop, really focused and career oriented. That’s what got me genuinely interested in her.

Dasola: I didn’t really notice him at first. But once I did, there was a bit of platonic interest. I’m very attracted to the fine things of life and Tayo looked really good. But I couldn’t pursue anything because I was seeing someone else at the time.

I just wanted to have fun, make new friends in Ibadan, and cope with my grief after losing my mum. But Tayo was very persistent about going on a date. He seemed really sweet and gentle, so I agreed for him to be my friend.

Tayo: I’d been in a lot of on and off relationships but nothing seemed to stick. I also had a baby mama who was still in my life, but I had no intention of getting married to her. I was looking to date seriously and find someone who could be my lifetime partner.

How did that first “mini-date” go?

Tayo: We talked and you couldn’t even tell we’d only just met. I wanted to get to know her as a person and see if she’d be a great fit for me. I didn’t want to end up in a situation where things got serious, we got married, and then realised we weren’t good for each other. I’d already had the baby mama situation and didn’t want to repeat that mistake. So I asked a lot of personal questions about her life and her work, and I liked everything I heard.

Dasola: We went to another bar just beside the hotel. He ordered everything I wanted and I ate with so much relish. I immediately told him about my relationship status so he could manage his expectations, and that helped keep things controlled. 

He was a perfect gentleman and completely non-judgmental. Smoking was my coping mechanism at the time. There’s a stereotype about girls like me who smoke cigarettes, but Tayo was gentlemanly enough to light one for me, and when it finished, he sent someone to get more. 

Tayo: I was sad when she told me she was in a relationship, but I didn’t give up. A part of me felt like whatever she had going on with the guy wouldn’t work out. And I was right, which is why we’re here today. I was very patient and consistent with her.

Did you also immediately tell her about your baby mama, Tayo?

Tayo: I didn’t.

Dasola: No. I didn’t know until one random day after we’d started dating. I got a call from a strange number.

Before we get to that, how did things progress from friends to dating?

Tayo: We went on many more friendly dates together. Dasola is very entertaining to be around and that made it easy to grow our bond. We both don’t keep a lot of friends, so we were all we had. I got so comfortable talking about everything with her, and my feelings kept getting stronger.

Dasola: I felt he love-bombed me. Things moved faster than I intended. He was constantly calling me, morning, afternoon, and evening, and he insisted we see each other every day. 

At some point, I tried to draw back because I didn’t want to jeopardise my relationship. But it was a long distance relationship, and my partner rarely made time for us. So it was easier to lean into the friendship with Tayo. He knows I like food and was constantly taking me to try new places. 

Even when we stayed out late, we’d drink together and enjoy each other’s company. But I hadn’t invited him to my place and he hadn’t invited me to his.

Tayo: I remember how strict she was about not letting me come to her place or inviting me inside when I did. At some point, I wanted to give up the chase and move on. But because I felt certain that she was who I wanted, I knew I couldn’t back down.

Dasola: One day, we went out and got back really late. I was way too tipsy, but I refused to go over to his house. We ended up sleeping at a hotel, and we had sex.

Oh

Tayo: She was less resistant to me after that.

Dasola: I was still reluctant to accept him as another lover. So I made him a fling and kept my boyfriend around. Since Tayo was big on honesty, I told him what I’d decided, and he was cool with it.

How then did things become official?

Dasola: We continued with the fling situation for about eight months, and everyone was happy. But Tayo was still persistent about wanting to settle down with me. The following year, I turned 30 and started to realise that I wanted something serious that actually led to marriage. 

My partner was still telling me he needed five years before he could consider settling down, and I didn’t have that time. Meanwhile, here’s Tayo who had been nothing short of sweet and perfect. So I took stock of my situation and decided to give him a real chance.

Tayo: As soon as she said yes, I wanted to move fast because I’d waited long enough. I don’t know if my baby mama was stalking me, but she heard about Dasola and me. 

Is that when you got that call, Dasola?

Dasola: Yes. 

Shortly before Tayo took me to see his parents. Someone called, warning me to steer clear of him, that he isn’t a good person, he’s a serial cheat who has a baby mama and an eight-year-old. It was surprising to hear, but I didn’t react emotionally. I simply called Tayo and told him everything the caller said. 

That’s when he came clean, told me about his baby mama and how his parents didn’t like her.

Tayo: On another day, while we were at the bar where we used to hang out, my baby mama waylaid us and attacked Dasola. It was a really chaotic scene. I had to calm both women until things settled down. 

Dasola went home and then invited me over to her place. We had a long conversation about what happened. She seemed very calm and genuine despite what had happened, and that inspired me to speed things along. After that incident, I took her home to my parents and they received her with open arms.

Dasola: And true to his words, his parents were honest about everything the day I met them.

Tayo: My parents really liked Dasola from day one. They could see she was different from my baby mama.

How did you really feel about the incident, Dasola?

Dasola: I wasn’t fazed about her. I saw it as fair competition. We both weren’t married to him, and even though she lived with his parents, they didn’t like her. I knew in my heart that Tayo would never end up with someone his parents were against. He respects them, so she wasn’t real competition.

How has the relationship progressed since?

Dasola: The early days were filled with fights. We argued so much that people kept asking why we were still together. Many of the issues stemmed from the way Tayo spoke to me. He raises his voice when he’s upset, and I don’t respond well to that. Sometimes, his tone was condescending, which only made our disagreements worse. There were moments when it felt like we were arguing more than enjoying the relationship.

Tayo: Looking back, we were still figuring each other out and learning how to communicate. It took time, but we’ve gradually found a balance. These days, when one person is upset, the other usually tries to stay calm. Dasola is the more rational one when emotions are running high, and I think that’s helped us handle disagreements much better than we did at the beginning.

What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Dasola: I’ve gotten to know him beyond the version most people see. We started living together just a few months into the relationship, so I got to see what he’s like in his most vulnerable moments. I’ve learnt a lot from him. I grew up in an environment where most chores were outsourced, and even after I moved out on my own, I still preferred to outsource almost everything. 

I’m also a little disorganised. Tayo is the complete opposite. He gets upset if shoes aren’t arranged properly or if I move items around the house. Living together taught me to be more intentional about those things.

Tayo: Living together helped us understand each other much faster than we would have otherwise. We approach certain things differently, but we’ve found a system that works for us. Instead of expecting one person to do everything, we both contribute in our own ways and support each other where we can.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Dasola: I’d give us an 8. We’ve had a rocky start, but I think we’re finding our balance now. We’re learning how to communicate better and support each other. I’m hopeful about where we’re headed.

Tayo: I’d also give us an 8. She’s very hardworking and career oriented. I thank God that I have her in my life. 

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Ife* (27) and Ibrahim* (30) met as freshers in 2016 after gaining admission into the same university.

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about the housing scam that brought them together, falling in love as coursemates, the six-month relationship break that pushed them into other people’s arms, and the difficult journey back to each other.

If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this .

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Ibrahim: I met Ife in 2016, during our first few weeks in university. We were coursemates, so we saw each other almost every day, but were just two people who exchanged greetings whenever our paths crossed. 

A few weeks before resumption, I paid an agent for accommodation. The hostel was undergoing final renovations and was supposed to be ready shortly after school resumed.  But when I got to school, the agent kept giving excuses. Every day, it was one new story.

I was squatting with a friend at the time, so I didn’t panic initially. But after about four weeks, I realised something was wrong. The agent stopped answering my calls and nobody knew him. It turned out that I’d been scammed and the hostel didn’t exist.

Then, the friend I was staying with gave me a deadline to leave. I remember sitting in class that week, completely stranded.

After class one day, I stood up and told everyone what had happened. I said, “If anybody knows somewhere I can stay, please help me.” Nobody really responded, and I left feeling embarrassed. A few minutes later, Ife came after me.

Ife: Most of us were still new students trying to find our footing, so I could imagine how stressful it must have been. We exchanged pleasantries, and he seemed like a cool person. I had a cousin who was a year ahead of us and lived off campus with some friends, so I told Ibrahim I’d speak with him.

I didn’t even know if there would be space. I just felt compelled to assist him at that moment.

Ibrahim: Two days later, she called and said her cousin said I could move in. She didn’t stop at connecting me with her cousin. She actually helped me move. I still remember her carrying bags and helping me settle in.

I’d never experienced that kind of kindness from someone who didn’t owe me anything.

Aww. What happened after that?

Ife: We just started spending more time together. We studied together, attended classes together and ate together. Sometimes, we’d leave class and spend hours talking about random things. It was a lot of getting to know each other better.

People started assuming we were dating long before we actually were. But assumptions like that were pretty normal in 100 level. Once people see students of the opposite gender moving together, they automatically assume something is going on.

Ibrahim: Looking back, I can see where the assumptions came from. If I was going somewhere, Ife was probably there and vice versa. Ife would call me when she was confused about an assignment. I’d call her when I wanted company. We became each other’s favourite person without ever discussing it.

I knew I was starting to like her more than a friend. I just didn’t know if she liked me too. Unless they expressly state it, you can’t assume they like you like that. 

Did you like him, Ife?

Ife: I definitely did. He was funny, dependable and easy to talk to. Our friendship felt effortless. We had this stupid game where we’d see who had the loudest fart. I couldn’t do that with any random dude without fear of judgment. That’s how free I was around Ibrahim.

Even though I could tell he liked me, I wasn’t really thinking about dating at the time. We were freshers. School had just started. I wasn’t trying to jump into a relationship.

At what point did things change?

Ibrahim: Towards the end of our first year. 

We were preparing for our departmental dinner, and everyone was so excited about it. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but then I was nominated for “best dressed fresher.” That was when I really got into it. 

As I was planning outfits and tickets, I heard another guy was planning to buy a ticket for Ife and ask her out. I was so livid when I heard that, I suddenly realised I wasn’t comfortable with another guy making a move on her. I knew the guy had eyed Ife a couple of times, and we’d even joked about him together, but I didn’t know he was that serious about her.

I was initially planning to attend alone, but after this revelation, I had to switch tactics. I can’t even remember what I told my parents I needed money for, but I got it and bought a couple’s table for us. 

Ife: I remember laughing because I genuinely didn’t think it was a big deal. The guy could’ve bought all the tickets he wanted but it doesn’t mean I’d have accepted him. The fact that he didn’t even think to ask me before telling other people was enough of a red flag. 

But Ibrahim became strangely interested in the situation, and showed up with our couple’s ticket. It was both funny and sweet at the same time because I kept wondering where the energy was the entire time before that. 

How did the dinner go?

Ibrahim: We were the only ones in our entire 100 level set to sit on a couple’s table. Everybody was looking at us, and honestly, I liked it. 

Ife: In a way, it felt like our relationship status changed that night without either of us formally saying so. The whole energy was different, and you couldn’t tell anyone we weren’t already an item.

Ibrahim: After the dinner, I finally asked her out properly. Thankfully, she said yes. I was so elated that I didn’t even have time to brood over losing the best dressed award. 

So you were officially dating

Ife: Yes. The early days were very simple. It didn’t feel like we had to do anything extra to fit into the boyfriend and girlfriend role. 

It helped that we were already close friends before anything romantic started. We didn’t have to learn about each other from scratch. We already knew how the other person spoke, what annoyed them, and how they reacted when they were stressed. If we misunderstood each other, it never lasted long. One of us would call, or we would see each other on campus and talk things through until it made sense again.

So it felt natural. It didn’t feel like we were trying to build something new. 

Ibrahim: Everything was so easy and we both didn’t have to try too hard. We were always around each other. If I didn’t see her in the morning, I would see her later in the day, and if I didn’t see her on campus, I would probably run into her on the way back to the hostel or in a friend’s room.

We would eat together when we could, study together when exams were close, and just sit and talk about anything when we were tired of school. 

Ife: We basically grew through university together. It got to a point where it was hard to talk about my university experience without mentioning him. If I had something good happen, he was usually the first person I told. If I was stressed about something, I also went to him. 

Even our friends started seeing us as a pair. If they saw either of us apart, there was the slightly accusatory “Where is XYZ?” question that came at us. It was funny. But then, almost like a blink of an eye, graduation happened in 2021 and we had to be apart for a really long time.

But why?

Ibrahim: I had to go back to Lagos, and she returned to Ede.

We were now in different places, trying to figure out what came next. It wasn’t like we suddenly stopped caring about each other, but you don’t even realise that you’re slowly pulling away from this person.

At first, we tried. We would call, text, try to maintain the same energy we had in school. But it didn’t feel as natural anymore. Sometimes, one of us would be busy with our own things and forget to check in. Slowly, the gaps became noticeable.

Ife: We talked less frequently, and when we did talk, the conversations didn’t last as long as they used to. Sometimes, we would go a full day without speaking, then two days, then it started stretching longer.

And because we were both adjusting to life after school, it was easy to excuse it. We would say we were busy or tired or trying to figure things out. But underneath that, the relationship was changing. We also started arguing more. Things that we would normally laugh off or talk through quickly started turning into issues. 

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Curious. Did you guys discuss what a long distance relationship would look like before graduation?

Ife: To be honest, it always worried me, but Ibrahim would wave it off. There was this one time we went on ASUU strike, and our communication was complete shit. That was when I first thought about what life after graduation would look like, but Ibrahim didn’t think it was an issue.

Ibrahim: I take the blame for that. I don’t like to overthink and stress about problems that don’t exist yet. So every time she brought it up, I’d reassure her that we would cross the bridge when we got there.

So how did you resolve things?

Ibrahim: Ife brought up the idea of taking a break from the relationship.

Ife: It was just something I felt we needed at the time. I was very intentional about assuring him that we were not breaking up. At least that was how I saw it. I just felt like we needed space to breathe and figure ourselves out without the constant pressure of maintaining the relationship.

It felt like maybe if we stepped back a little, we would come back better.

Ibrahim: I didn’t like it at all. I remember telling her that breaks usually don’t end well. In most cases, they just become the beginning of the end. But I could also see that we were struggling. So I eventually agreed, even though I wasn’t comfortable with it.

I didn’t want to be the one holding us back from trying something that might help. But I was right. The break was a terrible idea.

What happened?!

Ibrahim: At first, it felt like a release. With no emotional responsibility on my shoulders, I got with some girls I’d been eyeing while Ife and I were together. Some stopped at casual flirting and some involved no-strings-attached sex. But I told myself the flings wouldn’t go anywhere because I still had Ife. 

But after a while, it wasn’t as freeing as I thought it would be. I would be out, and I’d still think about Ife. Sometimes, I would catch myself comparing conversations, or wondering what she would think about something I had done.

Ife: I wasn’t interested in going from person to person or trying to replace what I had with Ibrahim. But there was someone I had always had a quiet interest in, and during the break, we got closer. 

Yet, I still found myself thinking about Ibrahim more than I expected.

Did you actually agree to see other people during the break? 

Ibrahim: It wasn’t expressly stated, but I guess it was just somewhere in the air. Like, do whatever you want and I’ll do whatever I want.

Ife: We still spoke occasionally during the break. Just small check-ins or greetings, small interactions that felt strange. We were no longer speaking as a couple, but we were also not fully disconnected.

After a while, I started hearing things from mutual friends. People were saying Ibrahim had been with other girls. I told myself it didn’t matter because we were on a break, but hearing it still got me upset. That was when I realised I was still more emotionally attached than I wanted to admit.

Ibrahim: I also started hearing things about Ife. I remember that it stayed in my mind for a long time. Even though I was also seeing people, hearing it about her felt different. That was when I realised the break was actually doing more harm than good. We didn’t specify how long the break was for, but it felt like it was time to have a frank conversation about what we were doing.

Who reached out first?

Ibrahim: I did. I told her we needed to talk properly, but in person.

Ife: I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him at first. Too many things had happened, and I didn’t know what the conversation would even look like. But I also knew we couldn’t keep avoiding each other forever. So I agreed. 

We both told our parents we had clearance matters to attend to so we could travel to school.

Ibrahim: We stayed in a friend’s hostel. I remember the first time I saw her again. It didn’t feel like seeing the same person I left behind. We just kept going around the bush and asking unrelated questions. It was all super awkward until Ife said something like, “We have to be honest.”

Ife: I told him we had to talk about what we’d gotten up to during the break before we could even consider reconciliation or where the relationship was headed. 

Ibrahim: We talked for a long time, and it was a tough conversation. Even when I didn’t go into detail, she would stop me and ask questions. That made me very uncomfortable, but we kept going because there was no other way to deal with it.

Did talking change anything?

Ife: It helped in a way. It hurt hearing everything, but we’d both agreed to take a break, and we didn’t expressly state the terms of what the break entailed. So there was no point trying to hold anything against each other.

If anything, the break only reminded us how we truly felt about each other.

Ibrahim: At some point, we just sat there without talking. And then, I leaned in to embrace her. We started crying together until things got intimate. We had another conversation the next day, and that was when we decided to try again.

It’s been two years since then, and we’re still together. She worked her NYSC to Lagos and has stayed since then, so distance is no longer an issue.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Ife: I’ll say 8. We learnt a lot the hard way, but we are still here.

Ibrahim: I’ll give it a 9. We found our way back to each other.

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Childhood friends Korede* (41) and Derin* (37) grew up on the same street in Lagos. On this week’s Love Life, they talk about losing touch for years, finding each other again at the wrong time, and the long, complicated road it took to finally be together.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Korede: That’s a hard one because we go so far back. We grew up on the same street in Surulere and attended the same primary and secondary school. So there isn’t one particular memory; she was always in the picture. What I can say is that when her family eventually moved away in 2003, I really felt her absence. I didn’t realise how much I loved having her around until she left.

Derin: I feel the same way. I don’t think there’s any single first memory I can recall. We were childhood friends who grew up together and did everything together.  We were present in each other’s lives; we had the same friends, and our families knew each other. But yeah, we had to move at some point, and that was really painful. I couldn’t imagine leaving my friends, my childhood home, and everything I’d grown up with.

Left to me, I’d have stayed back and lived with any kind neighbour who would have taken me in. But I also knew it was impossible.

What happened after her family moved, Korede? Did you keep in touch?

Korede: We lost contact for a really long time. Both of us were too young to own phones. However, when Facebook came out, I tried to find her online, but her name was so common that I kept connecting with the wrong person. It was frustrating. I would think I’d found her, only to realise it was someone else entirely. I eventually gave up.

Derin: I actually never forgot Korede. He was that one childhood friend I always wanted to see again. But I didn’t really search the way he did. Life moved very fast for me after we relocated. There was school, there was adjusting to a new place, and then I lost my dad. I barely had time to waste at the cybercafĂ©. My friends at school talked about Facebook, MySpace, and the rest, but I was too busy to spare the time. Plus, my mum got extra strict after we lost my dad. 

Right. So at what point did you guys reconnect? 

Korede: 2010. Funny enough, it happened on Facebook. I was scrolling one evening when her name came up as a friend suggestion. I almost kept scrolling, but something made me stop and click on the profile picture. She had changed a lot, but the face was unmistakable. I sent a message, and she responded, and that was it. We finally heard from each other again after seven long years of silence.

Derin: I was genuinely happy when he reached out. We spent the next few weeks talking almost every day, catching up on everything we had missed. It felt like no real time had passed. 

So was it purely catching up, or was there something more there?

Korede: For me, there was always something more. But I guess I never brought it up earlier because I felt we were still too young. I just always assumed she’d always be there. But then they moved, and that was when I really started to realise that I liked her more than normal. 

After we reconnected, I hoped she would be single. But I found out she was married, had one child and was expecting another. I was really disappointed. I wanted to ask so many questions because she was just 21, and I couldn’t understand why she was already married. But I controlled myself. At the time, it wasn’t uncommon for women to marry early. Still, I couldn’t hide how I felt.

Derin: I sensed his disappointment even though he acknowledged it directly. And I understood why. But that was my reality at the time, and I couldn’t do much to change it.

I didn’t want the marriage itself, especially not so early. But my dad’s demise really disrupted our family. And as the first child, there was a lot of pressure from my mum. She really wanted me to get settled quickly.  When someone came along, it didn’t take long to get things in motion. I barely had much to say on the matter. I also didn’t really even know much about Korede’s feelings at the time. Even if I did, there wasn’t much we could do. 

I see. So I’m guessing you guys just maintained a friendship? 

Derin: That was mostly it. We saw each other occasionally. If one of us had a party or a gathering, we would invite the other. But it stayed like that for a while. Then, around the third time we met in person, I confided in him about my marriage —  how I didn’t really feel genuine love from my husband. He wasn’t cruel or anything like that, but there was no warmth between us. We were ages apart, so our views were completely different. I told him how  I’d once considered just running away and starting life somewhere else. I also complained about how my mum had gone from loving and caring to someone who just wanted to use me as a means to an end.

I think I opened up to Korede that day because I felt safe confiding in him. He knew me from my childhood, before I became anyone’s wife or mum. 

Korede: It broke my heart to hear it. Derin had always been one of the most alive people I knew growing up; bright, sharp, full of energy. The experience she was having was so far from what I would have imagined for her. But there was nothing I could do except be a friend. So that’s what I focused on.

What was your love life like around this period, Korede?

Korede: It was barely existent. I had female friends from university, but nothing solid. And the fault is mostly mine. In a way, I always felt I had to reach a certain financial point before I could approach a girl. And since I was still hustling my way, I didn’t want to be spending the little I had on romantic ventures that wouldn’t lead anywhere. 

Still, I had people I had casual sex with, and we kept it moving. But there wasn’t anything serious. 

Fair enough. And how did your relationship with Derin progress over time?

Korede: We just continued as friends. Although I won’t lie, it felt weird knowing she was married. But I didn’t let that get to me because she didn’t make it her personality. I could still crack jokes with her like the old times. I remember another friend who got married and said I couldn’t call her by name again because it was disrespectful. Derin was nothing like that. She even stopped me from calling her by her firstborn’s name.

Then, in 2012, she told me she was trying to go back to school and asked for my help. I was more than happy to give it. She wanted to go to UNILAG, and I pulled some strings with some of my old lecturers. But that’s when her husband got involved.

Derin: I didn’t really mention Korede the whole time because I felt it wasn’t necessary. But when the school thing happened, it became necessary. So I invited Korede to our house and told my husband he was the one helping me with the admission process. He seemed genuinely thankful, and I thought that was all there was to it. 

But after a while,  he became convinced something was going on between us. He showed up at my school unannounced one day, and because Korede was there, he flared up. The whole thing got blown out of proportion. He involved both our families, and I felt really stupid defending my friendship.

Korede: At first, I was even trying to act all defensive. But the moment the family was involved, I could tell it was no longer a trivial matter. So I stepped back completely. I was also preparing to relocate to Abuja, which made the decision easier. We didn’t keep in contact for a few years after I moved. Then I heard the worst news in 2014.

What happened?

Korede: A family friend who was visiting in Abuja told me that her husband passed. I immediately felt bad for her. Someone so young with two kids losing her husband that early? I wouldn’t even wish that on my worst enemy. That same week, I reached out to Derin to offer my condolences.

Derin: To be honest, he had crossed my mind a few times, and I wanted to reach out. But I didn’t want to cause any problems. I also wanted to tell him when my husband died, but I guess I never got around to it. So when he called, I was really glad. We spent more time catching up on the last few years again, and then I invited him to the funeral. 

Oh. Was that a good call, considering the history?

Derin: I wasn’t even thinking about that when I extended the invitation. I just needed to see another face other than my in-laws and my own family. They were extremely annoying during that period. I also knew that despite the accusations, there was nothing between us. 

Korede: I attended the funeral just to show up for a friend, and it was definitely the wrong call. Her mother, who used to be fond of me when we lived in the same area, barely acknowledged my presence or greetings. The atmosphere was cold, and I could feel people pointing fingers at me. Immediately, I sensed what was happening, and I knew it was best to keep my distance from Derin. I only came to show up for her as a friend. But the optics were really bad.

Derin: I can still remember the looks. It was as if everyone decided I was already moving on because I brought a man to my husband’s funeral. 

Like he said, we didn’t really talk that day. Even though it had been almost three years since we last saw each other in person. After he left, I remember sending a thank-you note and not really keeping in touch afterwards. 

Curious, what was that period like for you, Derin?

Derin: Very difficult, I can’t even lie. My husband and I weren’t exactly the best lovers, but having him around gave me a sense of security. I didn’t have to think too much about finances or anything like that. But suddenly, it was just the kids and me. 

Everyone around me also had a clear idea of what my life should look like from that point forward. My mother was extremely unbearable. She would tell me regularly to face my children, that they were my husband now. What did that even mean?

But even though I hated hearing it from people, my kids were really my priority at the time. I didn’t have time for much else.

And did you still keep your distance during this period, Korede? 

Korede: We never fully stopped communicating. There were stretches where we spoke often and stretches where everyone just went about their own business. But she was always somewhere in my mind. 

I’d also been engaged to someone else, but things didn’t work out. I didn’t tell Derin about the engagement, but we got closer again after the lady and I went our separate ways. Of course, it was mostly on the phone. I was in Abuja, and she was still in Lagos. Over time, I started to admit to myself that my feelings for her were still very much alive. But considering her situation, I didn’t know how to bring it up. So I just kept on being in touch and didn’t say much.

Derin: I noticed. He became more consistent and intentional about reaching out. We would talk about life, the things we’d both been through and how we were still in each other’s lives. Over time, we got comfortable enough to start actually being truthful about how we felt with each other. He would say things like, “He should have been the father of my two kids,” and so on. After a while, we started a long-distance courtship.

How long after your husband’s demise was this, and were your family aware?

Derin: I think this was around 2016. My mother was firmly against it. She said it was too early.  My late husband’s family was also still deeply involved; they came around regularly for the kids, and always wanted to be in my business. The idea of me seeing another man felt like a betrayal to them. 

Korede: My family also had their own concerns once I told them. They knew and liked Derin as a person. But they worried about what starting a life with someone who already had two children, with a late husband’s family still actively in the picture, would mean for me. 

Right. How did you manage all of that?

Korede: We tried to lay low for a while and just keep doing our thing. I came to Lagos a few times, and we met up, but those few times, Derin didn’t really feel comfortable. She was constantly worried, as if she didn’t want us seen publicly. 

It was annoying but also understandable. The pressure from every side also made it very difficult to hold on. My parents didn’t even always want me to mention her; she was also on and off. She could go weeks not picking up my calls, and when she finally does, it’s to complain about something her in-laws did. Eventually, I got tired of the whole thing and we agreed to step back and give each other space.

Derin: Honestly, it was the right call even though it hurt. No matter how we tried, the relationship couldn’t grow under the conditions we were dealt with. The beautiful thing about all this is that, even when we agreed to step back, it was from the relationship and not the friendship. We still called each other once in a while, but it wasn’t like it used to be.

Korede: During that period, I also reunited with my ex-fiancĂ©e, who had broken off our engagement. We tried again, and things went better this time, and we even had a child together. But the relationship didn’t survive. It ended after three years, and I was left as a single father raising a child on my own. That period really made me think about Derin. Because I kept imagining how she was able to raise two kids on her own and pursue a university degree while doing so. It was no small feat.

Was this when he reached out again, Derin?

Derin: Yes, he told me his relationship had ended and that she had left their child alone. 

Then, in that same year, my mother-in-law passed. Then my own mother, not long after. I know it sounds strange to say, but something changed when they died. Those had been the two loudest voices opposing our relationship. With them gone, things changed rapidly. 

Korede: We started talking again, and by 2023, we had found our rhythm again. My parents didn’t have much choice but to support me this time around, seeing as my last relationship went.

We’ve spent the last couple of years just building our lives and our relationship.

Derin: I moved to Abuja in early 2024. We are not living together yet. But being in the same city makes it feel like we’re actually in each other’s lives for real. Unlike when it was mostly phone calls and rushed weekend trips. Abuja also gives us privacy to just be ourselves and figure out our lives without people judging us or dictating what we can or cannot do. 

Considering everything you’ve both been through, what’s the best thing about what you have with each other?

Korede: Derin knows me. We started so long ago that the foundation is already there. You can’t manufacture the kind of bond we share. There’s genuine friendship that spans decades, and then there’s the love we share for each other. I truly think she’s my soul mate. 

Derin: He sees me as someone with a future, not just a past. After years of feeling defined by my losses — my father, my marriage, my husband — Korede looks at me and sees someone who still has somewhere to go. He doesn’t look at my children like they are burdens or treat me like someone who should be loved out of pity. I’m truly blessed to have him in my life.  

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Korede: 8. We’re still building our relationship, and I believe we’re still writing our stories.

Derin: I’d give it a 9. I’m saving the 10 for when we become husband and wife in the real sense of it.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Fade* (35) and Gbenro* (38) met in 2017 after Gbenro relocated from Ekiti to Lagos. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about their fast-moving love story, how their marriage struggled after they let a stranger into their home, and why they’re still committed after almost a decade together.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Gbenro: I met Fade in 2017 at my aunty’s place. She had been teasing me for a while about this fine girl in Lagos she wanted to introduce me to. I had just relocated from Ekiti, and I barely knew anyone in the city. She was like a big sister to me, so I trusted her judgment. The day we finally met, I liked Fade immediately. She was really cheerful and didn’t give room for any awkwardness.

That same day, we went to the cinema and afterwards had pepper soup at a spot in Ojuelegba. I didn’t say anything to her that day, but I already knew I liked her and wouldn’t mind pursuing something serious.

Fade: That same aunty was like a big sister to me, too, and she had also been teasing me about introducing me to someone. I was open to it because I naturally make friends easily. 

When we met, I also found him easy to be around from the start. He seemed level-headed, kind and funny. I can’t lie, it was a good first outing. I think I was actually shocked that his aunty was right about everything she had said about him. It wasn’t the first time one of my mum’s friends had tried to matchmake me with someone, and I was always disappointed. But with Gbenro, it was an instant hit.

Right. I’m guessing you were both single at the time?

Fade: Yes, I was. I had deliberately kept things platonic with the guys around me for about a year. My boyfriend of three years had relocated and ended things; I was healing from that and wasn’t looking for anything serious.

I was just open to meeting new people.

Gbenro: I was also single and feeling behind in my dating life. I had always wanted to marry young, but God had other plans for me. I just had a lot of delays… school, NYSC, landing a job, and finding my feet. It was the same with my love life. A lot of my friends had gotten married and started having kids, and in a way, I felt like my clock was ticking. That was why I was really keen on meeting this person my aunty had been raving about.

So when I met Fade, and liked what I saw, I knew I wanted to be intentional about her.

Sweet. So what happened after that first outing?

Gbenro: We became close very quickly. I was still trying to settle into Lagos life, and Fade was happy to show me around. She always had somewhere to go, a food spot to try, or friends to visit. I was a proper JJC, and she made the city feel like home.

After three months, I asked her out. It felt like the natural next step for me. I had grown fond of her, and I knew what I wanted. I asked, and she said yes.

Fade: I had grown fond of him, too. He’d shown me who he was over those three months and I liked what I saw. 

As he said, everything felt so natural between us and dating just felt like the next step. I’d also spent time away from relationships because I knew I wanted to go the long haul with whoever I dated next. As soon as I was sure it was Gbenro, I went with it. I also prayed about it, and something in my spirit assured me it was the right decision.

And how were the early days of the relationship?

Fade: Really smooth. There was a solid friendship underneath everything from the start. We had the same values, enjoyed each other’s company, went out a lot, and explored the city together. Things just felt easy in a way that surprised both of us. In those early days, Gbenro would always joke about how we hadn’t gotten in a fight or something, and I’d tell him to be careful what he wished for. 

Gbenro: That part is so funny. I remember having a talk with my brother, and he couldn’t understand why I was bothered that I was enjoying a stress-free relationship. 

But yeah, barely a year in, I started thinking about marriage. I brought it up with  Fade, and that was the first time I sensed some form of hesitation from her.

Fade: The marriage part scared me. Yes, he was kind, funny, level-headed, and financially stable, but things were moving fast. We had only been together a year, and marriage felt like a huge commitment to be making so soon. 

I almost backed out entirely.

But you stayed

Fade: Gbenro was very patient. He didn’t rush me or make me feel pressured. He just kept reassuring me and being exactly the person he had been from the first day. Plus, our families and friends had gotten involved by then, and everyone was so encouraging. 

I looked at everything and decided to put it all in God’s hands. Usually, when I want to make serious life decisions, I always embark on a dry fast and I’d usually get my sign. I got my sign about a month later, and that was when I gave Gbenro my answer. Of course, I told him to wait for my answer first before a public proposal or anything like that. We got married the following year. 

Curious, Gbenro. Did her hesitation worry you?

Gbenro: Not really. I understood where she was coming from; a year is too soon to start discussing marriage with someone. But I also don’t think there’s any point wasting time when two people know what they want. We were both clear on what we wanted at the time. I guess I just needed to push more and offer more reassurance. And that was a little price to pay. 

Nice. So how did things progress over time, especially after the wedding?

Fade: Really sweet at first. We were in the honeymoon phase, and it lasted a while. But then, it was all cut short when I got pregnant almost immediately. And with the pregnancy came a severe illness. It started as morning sickness, then it got worse. I could barely get through a day. Eating was a struggle; keeping anything down was a struggle. I was constantly taking breaks from work, and even at home, I couldn’t be left alone for too long.

Gbenro: I know she remembers the beautiful part, but I still think of that time as an extremely difficult period.  I wanted us to get over having kids as soon as possible, but I definitely wasn’t thinking about starting in our first year of marriage. At first, I wanted to suggest an abortion until we were fully ready, but I saw how sick she was, and I didn’t want us to take the risk.

I spent the bulk of my time at work worrying about what was happening at home. My siblings were back in Ekiti, and her siblings were still in school, so there was nobody readily available to be with her. I think her mum was also sick at the time, so she couldn’t really help. Eventually, my aunty sat us down and suggested we hire a domestic help. 

Oh

Gbenro: I resisted the idea at first. I’d heard ugly stories, plus it wasn’t something either of us had imagined as part of our early marriage. But Fade’s situation made it unavoidable. She needed someone present during the hours I was away. Also, since the person was coming from my aunty, we felt we could trust her. My aunty always had maids, and I’d never heard her complain. So I knew she had a way with them. 

Fade: And honestly, the first person we got was wonderful. She was kind, reliable, hardworking and very easy to have in the home. It felt like having around, and I felt stupid for a while for even kicking against the idea in the first place. 

But then, she travelled home for Christmas that year and simply never returned. At first, we thought she was spending extra time with her family, but after about a week, we tried to reach her. But she was unreachable. Eventually, Gbenro’s aunty told us to move on. She said some of them can be like that. They only come to Lagos to work for a while and reunite with their family after saving up.

I was already very close to my delivery date at that point, and that was when I needed help the most. Luckily, Gbenro’s found another person for us. She also seemed really sweet, hardworking, and genuinely eager to help. At that point, you couldn’t tell me anything about domestic staff because I only had good experiences. But we were in for a long ride with the second lady. 

Why? What happened

Gbenro: After a while, I started noticing things. Whenever Fade went to the hospital for appointments, and I was home, this girl’s whole energy changed. She became overly attentive, hovering around me and finding reasons to be in whatever room I was in. The moment Fade came back, she would return to normal. At first, I told myself I was imagining things. I didn’t want to create a problem where there wasn’t one. So I ignored it and carried on.

Fast forward a few months, Fade’s hospital trip had reduced significantly, and she was always home. We’d also welcomed our child, and Fade barely had time to attend to me. So our help dialled up on the niceness again. Except this time, I didn’t really complain because, between trying to get her old self back and nursing our newborn, Fade didn’t really have time for me.

Fade: I didn’t see anything unusual in her behaviour at first. To me, she was simply good at her job, and I was grateful for that. But I soon noticed that Gbenro was changing.

He always had one complaint when I was handling something, especially food. He’d say I shouldn’t stress because she could handle it. He also stopped coming to me when he couldn’t find clothes or items around the house; he would call for her first without even thinking to check with me. That started to bother me, although I didn’t really know what it was yet.

Did you say anything to him?

Fade: I raised it with him a few times, and each time he dismissed it. He said I was overwhelmed with the new baby and reading too much into things. He reminded me that the whole reason we hired help was to reduce my stress, and I shouldn’t be looking for problems. I let it go because he seemed so sure. But I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something felt weird. To make it worse, we started having disagreements that turned into real fights, all of it in front of our maid. 

Gbenro: I guess in retrospect, I can see things more clearly. But at the time, I wasn’t connecting the dots. I was chalking all the small arguments and growing distance between us to the stress of a new baby and the adjustment to early marriage. 

So at what point did you realise there was a problem?

Fade: My mum visited us and opened my eyes to things I’d been ignoring. At some point, she took me aside very quietly and got into a lengthy lecture about how I had to wake up. She first insisted that I should do the cooking for my husband and serve, then the maid could do everything else. She also restricted the maid from coming into our main bedroom. At first, I thought she was being dramatic, but I couldn’t even argue. Those were things I did gleefully for my husband, and they strengthened our bond in a way, but between pregnancy and motherhood, and someone who could take the stress off, I’d gotten too comfortable. 

After my mum left, I started watching more carefully. Things I had been too exhausted or too distracted to do before, I started doing. Then, I think the following month, I told Gbenro she had to leave.

Gbenro: That was not a smooth conversation at all. I pushed back hard. I kept saying she was efficient, that we still needed the help, and that Fade was being unreasonable. I made excuse after excuse for that girl to stay. In hindsight, I can see exactly how that must have looked and felt to my wife. Although at the time I thought I was just thinking practically.

Fade: His resistance troubled me more than anything the maid herself had done. But eventually, she left. Gbenro realised how serious I was. 

Did things get better between you guys after she left?

Fade: We stabilised a bit. Things calmed down, and we were finding our footing again. Then I got pregnant a second time, and the illness came back just as severely as before. Then Gbenro, without my knowledge, brought the maid back.

I almost went mad. Not just because he had brought her back, I could have perhaps understood that given how ill I was. What I could not get past was that he was in touch with her. 

I kept asking him why, and he couldn’t give me a clear answer. He got defensive and accused me of saying he had cheated. That made things worse because that wasn’t even the core of my question. My question was why he felt the need to keep in touch at all. The tension in the house during that period was something I don’t have proper words for. 

Gbenro: In a way, we can laugh about this thing now, but it wasn’t funny then. I was defensive because I felt cornered. Like, I knew how much trouble we went through before we found a maid, and this was someone we knew. She worked well with our son; we could trust her. When I called and asked if she was available, she said she was. So why bring a random stranger to the house when we could already trust someone with our child? But Fade didn’t see it that way. About a month later, the girl left. She said she couldn’t handle the hostility in the house. 

Fade: By that time, Gbenro and I weren’t even seeing eye to eye. 

Must have been tough. How did you get through it?

Fade: I think for me, it got to a point where I felt like the whole thing was a spiritual attack on our marriage.  So I became very intentional about prayer in a way I hadn’t been before. I believe we survived it by the grace of God. I don’t say that casually. 

Gbenro: Beyond the spiritual — and I agree with Fade on that — we also had to make an active choice to stay and do the work. We had hard conversations and had to start rebuilding our love from there.

And the maid situation, did you ever hire help again?

Gbenro: Never again. It has been over five years now, and we have kept to that. If we ever need support, we rely on relatives.

Fade: That’s something we’ve both agreed on. I know some people hear that and think we are being extreme. But we know what we went through and who we are. That decision protects our home and we are both at peace with it. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Gbenro: 9. We’ve been through enough to know what we have is real. The one point is a reminder that we can still get even better.

Fade: I’ll give us 8.5. Any marriage that’s still standing after almost a decade means there’s something worth fighting for.  

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Komi (31) and Layo (30) met at the University of Ibadan in January 2013.

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about getting pregnant in their third year together, being forced into marriage by their parents, losing their first baby, and building a life while navigating judgement and early parenthood.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Komi: I met Layo at the University of Ibadan in January 2013. I was heading to the park to board a taxi when I spotted my friend, Suliat, with a group of girls. I immediately noticed Layo; she was light-skinned, pretty, and had nice hips. So, I called Suliat over and asked for an intro but she didn’t take me seriously. She said Layo isn’t someone I could mess around with just for the sake of it.

I eventually approached Layo and asked for her number. She hesitated before she gave in. When I tried calling her later, it didn’t connect. I thought she’d given me a fake number. But I kept trying, and it eventually went through.  That’s how our story started.

Layo: I remember that day clearly. We were returning home after a long class when we ran into Komi. I noticed him staring at me intensely and cracking jokes. In my head, I thought, “Who’s this clown?”

Then he asked for my number, and I said no at first. But he was really funny and down-to-earth, so I gave in. I told him I wasn’t interested in any relationship, just friendship. I’d just gotten out of one and wanted to focus on school.

Still, when we returned to the hostel, I asked Suliat about Komi, and she had only good things to say.

Komi, were you single at the time?

Komi: Before UI, I had done  my A-levels at The Polytechnic, Ibadan, and I was really into girls back then.

There was one I had kind of an undefined thing with. She still came around after I got into U.I, but I’d moved on from that polytechnic phase. I only wanted to focus on U.I girls. Funny enough, I was actually seeing her off to the taxi park the day I first saw Layo. The babe eventually relocated to the US, which gave me a clean shot at chasing Layo.

Right. What happened next?

Layo: Komi asked me out on a date, but I turned him down at first. He pestered Suliat to talk to me until I agreed.

We took a walk to the Love Garden, a park inside U.I,  and spent time getting to know each other. We both discovered our love for music, and that was our strongest connection.

Komi: That first date was very special because it showed me how much I wanted to spend time with Layo. We listened to music the whole time. Afterwards, I was restless and couldn’t stop thinking of her.

I had to ask myself if I wanted a friendship or something more.

When we met later that week, we took another walk. On the way back, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She broke into laughter and told me I was joking. But I was determined to show how serious I was, so I sat on the floor and said I wouldn’t stand up until she said yes.

Layo: I was so mortified. My mum worked at the university, and Komi’s display wasn’t far from her office. He pulled this in broad daylight.

But a part of me felt that if he could go through that level of embarrassment just to get me, he deserved a chance. The chemistry was there, and it was a shot worth taking.

What were the early days of the relationship like?

Komi: They were sweet days. I was 18 and a virgin. Because of my religious background, I intended to remain a virgin until marriage. Layo was the same. So we didn’t explore things physically. It was more about building a really strong friendship as lovers. We were obsessed with music, and we spent most of our time enjoying it. At some point, she also started making my meals when she found out I had an ulcer.

Layo: I fell in love with Komi because of how much he decentered the physical side of romantic love that other guys obsessed over. With him, it was all about building pure friendship. He didn’t obsess over my body, and that made me fall deeper.

My first boyfriend was more interested in the physical, but I couldn’t give him that. Just like Komi, I come from a strong religious background. My parents are pastors. So it felt good getting exactly what I needed from Komi: pure, genuine friendship.

Komi: During this period, I had a “ bad guy” reputation in school. I was the face of my faculty and was always around women, an “ashewo boy” so to speak. So seeing Layo, a nerdy girl from the faculty of basic medical science, choose me felt strange to people. They wondered why she was with me, but those same people didn’t know it was all a facade. Behind the scenes, I was someone else who found peace and comfort in Layo.

Layo: Everyone around me monitored Komi, almost like they wanted an “I told you so” moment. But Komi and I knew he was nothing like the guy who made sexual jokes or couldn’t draw the line. That was all for show.

I see. How did things progress romantically?

Layo: We got intimate in the third year of our relationship, and that was another level of getting to know each other.

Komi: I was Mr UI and had my own private room, so we made out a lot. We couldn’t get enough of each other physically. Toward the end of our third year together, we decided to have sex. We were both clueless, but we went with it anyway. After sex, there was bleeding, but we assumed that was normal, probably from her hymen. However, the bleeding didn’t stop.

Layo: My cervix tore, and I ended up at the school clinic the next day. I was so clueless that I had to call my aunt about the bleeding. I thought sex had triggered my period, but she said if it didn’t stop after a day, I should go to the hospital. The crazy part is she told us to try having sex again, and we did. That was when the bleeding became severe.

Komi: I was terrified because Layo is an only child. The school clinic couldn’t handle it, so they referred her to another hospital. At that point, we had to involve her parents. I went to see her, but I was too scared to go inside. I just stood at a distance watching her parents pace around while she went in for surgery.  I eventually had to tell my parents, too.

Layo called me the next day after surgery, and I was so relieved. I rushed to the hospital without thinking about her parents, and her dad and godfather tried to rough me up. I apologised, and that was basically it.

Did you guys try to have sex again?

Layo: Not immediately. We took a break from physical intimacy for months, but not from each other.

Fast forward to December 2016, when Komi was turning 21, and we tried again. He was in a bad mood because his dad reneged on a promise to throw him a 21st birthday party. So I visited with gifts to cheer him up. We got intimate, but couldn’t even finish because someone interrupted us. But we were in for another long ride.

What happened?

Komi: We went on a break shortly after, and I started rethinking everything, including the relationship.  I wanted to chase new dreams: Mr Nigeria, Big Brother Naija, MTV Base VJ Search. I loved Layo, but I also wanted to prioritise myself.

Then on January 11, 2016, Layo called to tell me she was pregnant. It felt like my world was crashing, and I immediately started searching for ethical ways to abort.

Layo: I remember checking my account balance to see if I had enough money to run away. My father is an Ijesha man, so there was no way I was bringing home a child out of wedlock.

We tried everything: salt, vitamin C, extreme exercise, every low-effort method we’d heard could end a pregnancy. Nothing worked. Komi suggested telling my dad, but I shut it down immediately. I asked if if hee had a death wish.

I dreamt that the pregnancy didn’t survive, so we returned to school and carried on like normal.

Around March, I was climbing the stairs to my hostel when I suddenly felt a gush of blood and water. I was excited because I thought everything we’d tried had finally worked. I went to an off-campus hospital for an evacuation, but the doctor told me the baby was perfectly healthy. They referred me back to the school clinic, and that was how my mum found out.

Komi: Both our mums were devastated. They didn’t know how to tell our fathers. I remember watching my mum cry. I’d done stupid things before, but this was the first time I’d pushed her to tears.

Layo: When my dad found out, he wanted an abortion immediately, but my mum told him it was too late. I’d already finished my first trimester. That really broke him.

What happened with your parents, Komi?

Komi: My parents came to my hostel the next day, and we all drove to Layo’s house. The night before, I’d sent my parents a long message saying I was running away because I’d failed them, but nobody addressed it. When we got to Layo’s house, the atmosphere was tense. I sat beside her but couldn’t even look at her. I felt completely overwhelmed, like I’d ruined her life.

As we sat there quietly, our parents talked. Out of nowhere, my dad suggested marriage. I objected immediately. I’d already applied for Mr Nigeria and listed myself as single because it was part of the criteria. I was training hard, building my body and planning my future. Marriage wasn’t part of the plan. My dad nearly punched me, and that was when I realised how angry he really was.

Then Layo held my hand and said, “Komi, don’t leave me alone in this.”

That changed something in me instantly. Until then, I’d been thinking about everything I was losing. But in that moment, I realised she was carrying the weight too. I stopped thinking, “I’ve ruined your life,” and started thinking, “We’re in this together.”

Right there in front of us, our parents started planning the wedding. And not a small one either. They wanted a full party.

Layo: I’m an only child. My mum didn’t want to be deprived of the joy she’d been waiting years for. Komi’s dad wanted a small, intimate wedding, but my parents refused.

We got married in May at Trenchard Hall in UI. There was aso-ebi and a whole party.

Oh wow! They meant business.

Komi: Layo and I returned to school after the wedding and continued attending classes like normal. Most people didn’t know we were married, but I confided in a few people, and the story spread everywhere. Suddenly, it was, “Mr UI impregnated someone.” Blogs picked it up. It became a full-blown campus scandal.

Layo: The rumours almost destroyed us. My bump wasn’t obvious yet, but I’d hear girls gossiping about me. People said I’d had several abortions before and finally used pregnancy to trap him. It was nasty.

There was also a strike around May when news broke that we were getting married. Still, the wedding hall was packed. People travelled from different states just to witness the drama. It genuinely felt like a public spectacle.

Through all this, how did you feel about each other?

Layo: We were still deeply in love. At that point, it felt like it was us against the world, and every other opinion was just noise.

Komi: Exactly. We protected each other fiercely and refused to let the outside noise break us.

That’s cute. What did life after the wedding look like?

Layo: Funny enough, we were still living in separate hostels because we were students. But everyone now knew our story. People became kinder to me, especially lecturers and staff who knew my mum.

I focused on my final-year project while Komi focused on graduating without carrying over courses.

Komi: It was surreal. Porters would see me and shout, “Bad guy!” but I ignored them. Through it all, Layo was incredibly caring. She stepped naturally into the role of a wife, bringing me food and looking after me. I also showed up for her. My mum took her to antenatal appointments. It was hard, but we had each other’s support.

We just didn’t know life still had more surprises waiting for us.

What do you mean?

Layo: Towards the end of my pregnancy, I noticed the baby suddenly stopped kicking. He’d been very active, so I knew something was wrong. I went to the school clinic, and they referred me to another hospital. The hospital told us they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat — we’d lost the baby.

Komi: Hearing my wife scream while delivering a dead baby broke me completely. It was one of the most traumatic moments of our lives.

Layo: I was also writing my final exams and wanted to defer, but my dad refused. He said I couldn’t lose a baby and lose a school year too. So after I was discharged from the hospital, I went straight back to studying for exams.

Komi: That period reminded me of a promise I’d made to her after we found out we were getting married. I told her nobody would ever look down on her and say pregnancy ruined her future. I promised I’d do everything possible to help her succeed. After she left the hospital, she stayed with my grandmother, a retired nurse who lived close to UI. It gave her space to recover and to properly prepare for exams.

My dad encouraged us to try for another baby because he worried we’d become emotionally scarred by everything that had happened. At first, I resisted. Layo was only 20 and still recovering physically. But two weeks later, she got pregnant again.

Before that second pregnancy, resentment had already started building in me. I’d been rejected from Big Brother Naija because I was married. It was the same year Miracle got in. I kept thinking about the life I could’ve had.

But the pregnancy forced us to refocus.

We’d finished school and were waiting for NYSC, so my parents prepared a room for us in their house, and Layo moved in.

Layo: That was when marriage started to feel real. Living together helped us reconnect emotionally and intentionally rebuild our relationship. Adjusting to life with his family wasn’t easy, but both families agreed it was best for us at the time. Komi took me to antenatal appointments, and we slowly settled into married life.

Then we discovered I was carrying twins.

Wait. What?

Komi: That was another major plot twist. I remember thinking, “God, why twins?” But we kept going.

I was unemployed and surviving on multiple side hustles. Then one day, while Layo was heavily pregnant, we had a stop-and-search encounter with the police. The hospital had instructed her to rest strictly, but the officers unnecessarily delayed us. That moment changed something in me. I realised we couldn’t build the kind of life we wanted in Nigeria forever. We needed to leave eventually.

Not long after, I got a job at First Bank at 22. That was the first time I earned enough to save towards getting us our own apartment. Two years after getting married, we finally moved into our own place.

I also kept pushing Layo academically because I wanted her to fulfil her potential. Eventually, I made sure she enrolled for her master’s at UI. She’d attend classes with the twins while breastfeeding. It was incredibly difficult, but I wanted her to reach every goal she dreamed of.

Neat. How did you know you still loved each other after everything you’d gone through?

Komi: There was actually a period where I questioned if it was still love. We got married young, and everyone still saw us as children. So whenever we had issues, there were always outside opinions. People would tell me, “This is how a man should behave,” or, “Why are you allowing this?” I started listening to those voices instead of listening to my wife.

It changed how I treated her. I started feeling like I wasn’t “being a man” enough. For almost two years, I became numb. I was just existing: paying bills, providing for the children, going through routines. We fought constantly. I didn’t feel joy. I felt trapped.

I’d imagined a completely different life for myself. I wanted entertainment, media, the spotlight. Instead, I was working a routine banking job I hated, married at 21 with kids. I kept looking at friends who were thriving in entertainment and thinking, “That could’ve been me.” I resented my life.

Then one day, I read an article that said the most important person in your marriage should be your spouse, not your parents or your children, because that’s the person you’re actually building a life with. It hit me hard. I realised I’d been letting everybody else into my marriage except the person I chose.

I remember telling my mum, “Going forward, I’m going to make decisions that may break your heart. If you tell me to go left and my wife says right, I’ll go right.” I had to return to first principles: I loved this girl. This was the person I started the journey with.

After that, I shut out the noise. If I was frustrated or confused, I discussed them with her rather than with outsiders. That changed everything.

Layo: That period was difficult, but patience saved us for me. If I’d listened to advice from my family, we probably wouldn’t still be together. I’m an only child. My parents hate seeing me upset, so if I’d complained to them about our problems, they would’ve told me to leave immediately. But I didn’t involve them. I kept our issues between us.

I’m also very intuitive, so I could tell his unhappiness wasn’t really about me. He felt like adulthood had interrupted his youth. He wanted to explore what he imagined for himself. Suddenly, he was married with responsibilities before he felt ready.

I understood that pain. That’s where my patience came from. I knew he needed time to process the life he thought he’d lost.

Women mature emotionally earlier, so while I also sacrificed things, I adjusted more quickly. For him, the resentment came from feeling like his freedom and future had been cut short. We had many conversations about it, and eventually he started asking himself, “How do I build a good life from where I am now?” That shift changed our marriage.

Komi: Another thing that affected me was external pressure about masculinity. But I stopped caring about expectations and focused on the life we were building. I started asking myself, “What kind of family do we want? What kind of people do we want to become?” That was when I truly fell back in love with her.

It took 10 years of being in the wilderness, but now I truly feel it’s all worth it. We’re both thriving in our careers. We’ve moved from Nigeria to the UK and now to Canada. I’ve bagged an MBA from a global top 25 university, and I’m currently a manager at one of Canada’s top financial services, a role that would have taken over a decade to achieve if I’d remained at First Bank.  

As we approach our 10th anniversary, I can look at Layo and genuinely feel like I chose, not stayed, for reasons beyond circumstances or having children.

Fair enough. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Layo: I’d say 9. Komi kept every promise he made to me. He made sure I didn’t lose myself or my dreams because of what happened. We grew up together, literally. We were kids when we met, and now we’re adults with children of our own. I wouldn’t change anything.

Komi: I’d give it a 9. We’ve been through hell and back together. But we came out stronger. We built something real from a very messy beginning.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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°Őłó±đĚý is returning on August 22, 2026, in Lagos! Come learn from finance experts and industry leaders, and partake in unfiltered conversations about building wealth and diversifying your income stream in a country like Nigeria. Real stories, expert advice you can actually use, and a community ready to build wealth together. .

Arthur* (28) and Sarah* (24) met in 2023 when Arthur joined her university as a direct entry student. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how he supported her through pregnancy and motherhood, the judgement they faced on campus, and navigating their relationship with a child that isn’t Arthur’s in the picture.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Arthur: We met in 2023, when I joined her school as a direct-entry student. I didn’t really make many friends when I arrived because I felt like a complete stranger; most people already had their established friend groups and cliques. Plus, I was a lot older than most of my coursemates. I’d left another university mid-way through my programme, gone to a polytechnic, and then returned to university. So I’d wasted a lot of time and years. I just wanted to keep to myself and maintain some level of respect.

I noticed Sarah around the fourth week after I resumed. She always sat at the back of the class, completely keeping to herself and never really interacting with anyone. And she always had this big bag with her, packed with flasks, cups, water bottles, and more. One day after lectures ended, I decided to go sit with her, and she was surprisingly receptive. We talked about random school stuff for a few minutes and then said our goodbyes.

Sarah: I didn’t notice Arthur at all until he came to talk to me. I’d been keeping to myself and avoiding people since we resumed for 200 level because I was pregnant. 

When people found out, it felt like they actively isolated themselves from me. So I also isolated myself out of shame and embarrassment. But it was actually easier to open up to Arthur, since he was brand-new to the school and didn’t know anything about my past.

Fair enough. So how did things progress after that first interaction? 

Arthur: We developed a friendship pretty quickly. I would always carry Sarah’s heavy bag for her after classes, run errands for her when she needed things, and help her out in whatever ways I could. I guess I just felt that duty of care because of her condition. I didn’t find it weird that she was pregnant. In fact, the polytechnic I came from had lots of nursing and expectant mums, and they carried on like regular students. But it was weird that Sarah was always alone and had no one to support her. 

Soon, we both started getting attention and stares from other students because of our closeness. But I genuinely didn’t care what people thought or said.

Sarah: I kept wondering what he actually wanted from me or if he had any hidden agenda, but he was just being genuinely platonic and helpful.  I couldn’t detect any ulterior motives. In a way, I felt like he was God-sent because he couldn’t have come into my life at a better time. 

Curious, Arthur. Did you ever ask where the father was in all this? 

´ˇ°ůłŮłółÜ°ů:ĚýI always wanted to ask questions, but I didn’t want to trespass, overstep boundaries, or make her uncomfortable. So I just waited for her to share if and when she was ready. By that time, I’d heard rumours from coursemates and hostelsmates, but I didn’t pay much attention. I wanted to hear the original version from Sarah, and I was willing to wait until she was ready to share. 

Sarah, were you comfortable with sharing the details with Arthur? 

Sarah: Eventually, yes. About a month into our friendship, I opened up to him and shared the full story of my pregnancy. I’d made lots of mistakes in 100 level and found out I was pregnant when I was already four months along. I genuinely didn’t know who the father was. There were multiple possibilities and no way to be certain. 

My parents didn’t want me to have an abortion when they found out. They’re very religious, and it went against everything they believed. But they also didn’t let me withdraw from school to have the baby privately. They forced me to continue attending classes and to carry the pregnancy publicly on campus, facing all the shame and judgment that came with it.

Arthur: When she told me everything, I felt deep pity and concern for her. That was when her isolation and withdrawal began to make more sense to me. In a way, I could relate to Sarah because I also had a rough 100 level, which was why I left my first uni. I got involved in a cult group that attacked some students. The whole thing got out of control, and I had to leave. So I’d had my fair share of rough beginnings. 

After Sarah’s revelation, I just continued being there for her consistently. We maintained our friendship, and it kept growing deeper. Soon, it became clear to both of us that something more than just friendship was developing between us.

Oh

Sarah: Around my eighth month of pregnancy, we had physical intimacy. We didn’t have sex because Arthur was really worried he’d hurt me, but we did everything else. It happened naturally between us.

Arthur: I felt extremely guilty afterwards. I thought we’d made a huge mistake. But Sarah didn’t feel guilty at all. She actually wanted us to get more intimate and continue what we’d started. But I felt like that first time was a mistake that shouldn’t be repeated. So I tried to pull back, but Sarah wasn’t having it. She thought I was ashamed of what transpired between us. 

I think we had a brief moment when we weren’t really speaking to each other. I wanted to continue being there for her as usual, but she took my rejection of any intimate relationship as a complete rejection. I’d come to her hostel, and she wouldn’t open the door. This continued until we left school for break. 

Sarah: Honestly, now that I think about it, I don’t know why I did that. I think my emotions were just super high at the time. I was already heavily pregnant, and even though I’d maintained my stature and looked for most of the pregnancy, I wasn’t really looking like myself again. So his rejection felt like he probably didn’t find me attractive, or he didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t even know the father of her child. I was just making up lots of scenarios in my head.

Did you try to talk to him at any point?

Sarah: Not really. He tried to reach out, but I shut him out. I was also having these really weird dreams where it felt like I didn’t make it through childbirth. In a way, I just wanted to set him free. I already knew how people stared whenever he walked around me in school; I’d heard gossip about how I was trying to pin the pregnancy on him. So I felt like it was better to just let him be.

That must have been a lot. At what point did things get better between you guys?

Sarah: I had to leave school as my delivery date neared. I was gone for about an entire semester. I had my baby, and even though we weren’t really on speaking terms, he was part of the first people I shared the news with. He couldn’t visit since we were in different states, and he was also back in school.

Throughout that time, we only communicated by phone and text. And it was actually during this period of physical separation that I suggested to Arthur that we should officially become a couple. I don’t even know what I was thinking; I just blurted it out one day.

Arthur:  I loved Sarah genuinely. But I had so many mixed feelings and concerns about entering a relationship with her. First, she didn’t know who her child’s father was. That man could eventually show up, and I’d have to deal with that complicated situation. Second, it was just a completely new experience for me, dating someone who already had a child. 

I’d also told my siblings about her and they weren’t really thrilled about the idea. One of them also gossiped to my mum, and she had a long lecture about how I was too young to be starting my life with another man’s baggage. There was just a lot to think about, but through it all, I knew I really liked Sarah. So I told her to still give it time, at least when she’s back in school, we’d be able to see how things go.

Right. How did you feel about that, Sarah? Did you feel like he’d rejected you a second time?

Sarah: Not really. I’m an impulsive person, and I’m thankful that I have people who can rein me in. When he gave his reasons, I suddenly felt stupid, in a way, because that’s when I realised there were other things to consider. Plus, it wasn’t an outright rejection; he said he was going to think about it when I resumed.

Nice. So, when did you return to school, and how did things pan out between you guys?

Sarah: I returned to campus with my baby in 300 level second semester. I had several feelings going back because I knew people would have even more to say. I wondered how I’d navigate attending lectures with my child and all, but I was also thankful that I had Arthur. 

He was genuinely God-sent during that time. He supported my son and me in ways I never expected. There were constant rumours and gossip all over campus about us, but Arthur never let it get to him or affect how he treated us.

Our relationship status was still completely undefined at that point. We were together in some ways, doing relationship things, but not as an officially labelled couple. And I was fine with that.

Arthur: I was acting like a platonic friend and a romantic lover simultaneously. I’d help with the baby, buy things he needed, support Sarah however I could, and like she said, I didn’t care about the gossip. It wasn’t like I made a lot of friends in school anyway, so they couldn’t say anything to my face.

By 400 level, Sarah sent her child back home to her parents, which was a relief in some way. I didn’t think the school environment was conducive to a new mum, and it was extremely hard for Sarah to juggle school and being a mum. 

Anyway, that’s also when our relationship became official. It was easier to define and navigate the relationship without the child being physically present on campus with us every day.

But how do you feel knowing that the child will always be a part of Sarah’s life?

Arthur: I don’t have an issue with that at all. I’ve genuinely grown to love the boy. He’s a sweet kid, and I’ve bonded with him. 

Sarah: I’ve made it very clear to Arthur from the beginning that if we continue this relationship outside of school, after graduation, my child absolutely has to be a part of my life and our life together. That’s non-negotiable for me.

Arthur: The only issue is my parents; they aren’t thrilled about this situation at all. 

But I also don’t want to think about their disapproval right now. I’m just focused on enjoying our relationship and being there for Sarah and her son. I’ll deal with my family’s concerns later.

Do your parents know you’re dating again, Sarah? How do they feel about that?

Sarah: I think my mum does. She’s walked in on me having video calls with Arthur a couple of times, but she didn’t say much. She once asked me if he’s the father, and I told her no. She hasn’t really said much after that.

I think right now, they’re still disappointed in me, and they try not to have any deep conversations with me. I wish they would, so I can even have an idea of what’s going on in their heads, but they don’t. 

Considering what you’ve both been through, what would you say is the best thing about being with each other?

Arthur: Sarah is resilient and strong. She went through something incredibly difficult publicly and came out the other side. I admire her courage and her determination to keep going despite everything.

Sarah: Arthur accepted me at my absolute lowest point. When everyone else had abandoned me or judged me, he showed up and stayed. That kind of loyalty and unconditional support is rare and precious.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Sarah: I’d say 8. Arthur has been amazing, but I can’t act like the complications aren’t there. 

Arthur: I’d give it an 8. We have something real and meaningful. But external pressures, family issues, and uncertainties about the future keep it from being perfect.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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Tomide* (29) and Layo* (27) met during their service year in 2022. 

On this week’s Love Life, they talk about moving in together as friends, transitioning into a relationship while living under the same roof, and the 50-50 arrangement that nearly broke them.

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What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tomide: It was 2022, and we met at our Place of Primary Assignment (PPA) in Ogun State. I had just one more month of my service year left when Layo joined our office. Although I noticed her when she resumed, I observed from a distance for the first few weeks. She didn’t look very friendly; always quiet and alone. 

One random afternoon, I saw her sitting alone at the staff canteen and decided to approach her and make conversation. She responded to my jokes, but I could tell she wasn’t interested in talking. So I left and kept my distance for a while.

Layo: I didn’t really notice Tomide at all. I wasn’t paying attention to anyone because I wasn’t in a good headspace when my service year started. I was genuinely upset and bitter that I’d been posted to Ogun State, and I absolutely hated my PPA. The work environment, the people, the location, everything felt wrong.

I was supposed to be in Ibadan serving with two other close friends. We’d planned it all out, but the redeployment process didn’t go as we’d hoped. So I arrived at the PPA feeling gloomy, disappointed, and resentful. I kept to myself most of the time because I was processing all that frustration and disappointment.

On the day in question, I didn’t want to be rude to him, but I just wasn’t in the mood for small talk or to make new friends. After just a few exchanges, he picked up on that and left. I appreciated that he didn’t push it. But that was the first time he crossed my mind.

Did you try to make up for that first encounter? 

Layo: I actually felt bad about my behaviour. So when I saw Tomide the following day, I greeted him first. I wanted to make up for my coldness the previous day.

Tomide: I answered her greeting, but I’d already made up my mind not to push for anything more. I wasn’t going to try to be her friend if she didn’t want that or was rude about it.

I see. So, when did things take a turn between you guys? 

Tomide: We continued like that for about three weeks. Just saying hello when we ran into each other at work, nothing more than that. Then, on the week I was passing out, my boss and some other staff organised a small send-off for me at the office. Layo didn’t attend. But that’s how she found out I was leaving, and I guess that really marked the beginning of our cordial relationship.

Layo: When I heard about his send-off and realised he was passing out that week, I went to find him. I congratulated him on completing service, and he seemed genuinely interested in keeping the conversation going. We briefly talked about school, and he also tried to give me a few tips on navigating the office. After the whole conversation, he asked for my number, and I didn’t see any harm in giving it to him. I told myself he was leaving anyway.

Surprisingly, we kept in touch for the next couple of months after he left. Even though I’d given him my number with the assumption that he’d just be another random WhatsApp contact, that was far from the case. He’d reach out to say hello, ask me how I was coping, and I’d also reciprocate the effort. But nothing significant happened between us for months. 

Fast forward to September 2023. I wanted to relocate to Lagos after my service year ended. The problem was that I didn’t have a place to stay or much money saved up to get my own place. I mentioned this to Tomide, and then he suggested moving in together.

Wait, what?

Tomide: Here’s the thing. I was also seriously considering getting my own place around that same time. I was tired of squatting with friends and not having my own space or stability. I actually had relatives in Lagos, but they lived In the outskirts of town, and we didn’t get along when I stayed with them during my first few months there. They felt the need to watch my activities and report to my parents. I didn’t like that at all.

When Layo mentioned her housing situation and that she needed to find somewhere affordable in Lagos, I suggested we pool our funds to get a two-bedroom apartment we could share. It made complete financial sense for both of us. We could split the rent and each have our own private room.

Curious, was the relationship still platonic at this point? And how did you know you could trust each other as housemates?

Tomide: It was platonic. But we’d gotten really close. I mean, that’s why I could even suggest living together in the first place. We barely went a day without speaking, and we always shared everything. The funny thing is, all these happened virtually. We hadn’t seen each other in person since we said goodbye in Ogun state. But through it all, I knew I was starting to feel something for Layo. It wasn’t fully formed, and I wasn’t quite sure of my feelings, so I kept it to myself.

Layo: It was pretty much the same for me. I had many reservations about the living situation, though. I never really shared this with Tomide, but I was double planning. Two of my friends also wanted to move to Lagos, and we’d all planned to get a place. But as the date grew closer and closer to leaving Ogun, my friends still weren’t certain. I told my aunt about my plan, and she prayed about it. When she told me all was fine, I went for it. She’s a prophetess and very spiritual, so I knew I could trust her words.

I see 

Layo: Anyway, that’s how we ended up moving in together. Tomide did most of the heavy lifting. He found the place, met the agent and even tried to set up the space a little. I only paid my part of the rent, moved in, and we became flatmates. 

For the first few months, we were just friends sharing a space. We had our separate rooms, separate routines and so on. There were days when we had shared activities like cooking and watching movies, but not all the time.

Tomide: By early 2024, things had shifted between us. We’d been living together for several months and spending significant amounts of time in each other’s company.  The feelings I’d refused to confront from the start had bubbled to the top. Our neighbours and the people in our building already assumed we were a couple based on how we interacted. Plus, neither of us was seeing anyone else at the time, so I knew I had a chance. I decided to just go for it and ask her out properly. 

Layo: When he asked, I had this brief moment of “finally!” in my head. I didn’t know what took him so long. I’d also developed feelings for him over time, but it’s not my style to ask boys out. So I wasn’t going to jump the gun.

Surprisingly, even though I thought I wanted a relationship with him, I wasn’t quick to say yes. I suddenly had reservations that I didn’t have before. 

What reservations? 

Layo: Our living situation. Things were normal when we were just two friends who were also flatmates. We respected each other’s boundaries. We did our own thing and didn’t always feel the need for shared activities. There were times when I was away with friends for the weekend, and other times when I just needed to change my environment. None of these was an issue, but I worried it would be different once we became romantically involved.

Tomide: Those were really valid concerns, but at the end of the day, I convinced Layo that we were in this for the long haul. And if that was the case, doesn’t it make sense that we already had the opportunity to spend time together and know each other in the true sense of it? Both the good, the ugly and the in-between. She eventually agreed, and we became official about three weeks after I asked.

Sweet. What were the early days of the relationship like?

Layo: Really nice and genuinely enjoyable. We went out together on actual dates, explored different parts of Lagos, and tried new restaurants and spots. We did many shared activities together. It wasn’t like we weren’t already doing that before, but this time around it was different. For example, when we were just friends, we’d still go to our separate rooms even after we finished cooking together. We couldn’t enter each other’s rooms without permission. But all that changed once we started dating. 

Tomide: The early days felt really easy and natural. Like Layo said, we already knew each other so intimately from living together for months. There was some level of familiarity, but also the excitement of this new romantic dimension to our relationship. But cracks started showing pretty quickly. 

Oh

Tomide: We both didn’t know how to communicate properly during conflicts. When we’d have a disagreement or argument, instead of talking it through, we’d both go completely silent on each other.

Layo: The silent treatment between us would last for days on end, sometimes stretching into weeks. It was absolutely terrible and toxic because we’d be in the same house, pass each other multiple times a day, see each other in the kitchen or living room, but completely ignore each other’s existence. Not speaking a single word or acknowledging each other’s presence. It was childish and unhealthy, but neither of us knew how to break the cycle or initiate a real conversation.

Tomide: But the silent treatment aside, what really threatened our relationship was the money issue. 

What do you mean?

Tomide: Specifically, my insistence on maintaining a 50-50 split for household expenses even after we started dating.

Layo: Once we officially started dating and became a couple, I became less consistent and diligent about splitting costs down the middle. In my mind, since we were now in a romantic relationship, not just platonic flatmates, Tomide should naturally take on most of the expenses and financial responsibilities. I guess I also felt this way because he earned way more money. Apart from his 9-5, he also had all these international side gigs that never stopped coming. 

Tomide: I didn’t like that shift at all because that wasn’t remotely close to what we’d explicitly agreed to when we decided to become flatmates. It wasn’t an issue whatsoever during those first several months, when we were just friends living together platonicly. We both contributed equally and consistently to everything. Rent, utilities, and even down to cooking. We used to cook separately, but whenever we wanted to do joint cooking, we both contributed our bit. But once we put a romantic label on our relationship, Layo completely pulled back from that financial arrangement and started expecting me to cover most of the costs.

Layo: I don’t think that’s a completely honest assessment. I didn’t pull back completely; I was just not as consistent as I used to. And it wasn’t entirely my fault. My office owed salaries, and I’d already switched jobs twice. Tomide knew all these when we were flatmates and would sometimes ask me to forego some expenses. If he could do that as a friend, I expected he’d do the same now that we were dating and thinking of a long-term future together.

But Tomide would always ask me for my share of expenses. Always. For absolutely everything, no matter how small. He’d meticulously calculate everything and ask me to send my half. It felt so transactional and unromantic. It made me feel like I was living with a roommate who happened to be sleeping with me, not like I was in an actual loving relationship.

Did you guys try to have a conversation about this? And didn’t you think this would happen after you moved from flatmates to lovers?

Layo: I did, which was why I had reservations when he first asked me out. I knew there was a chance of something like this happening, but Tomide was super convincing about how we were in this for the long term and how it was to our advantage to really get to know each other well.

The absolute worst situation happened when we needed to renew our apartment rent in 2024. When the time came to pay, I didn’t have my full 50% available. I was short on funds, but I gave him about 35% and promised to pay the rest.  But then, immediately after Tomide paid, he started asking me repeatedly for the balance. He’d bring it up in conversation and send reminders. I honestly felt like I’d gotten to my breaking point. A part of me just wanted to refund him and break up.

Tomide: I agree that I went about it the wrong way. I thought if I wasn’t persistent, she wouldn’t feel the need to repay what she owed. 

But the thing is, I’m a man of my words and I always expect people around me to be the same. Layo and I had clear arrangements around these things when we started living together, and I didn’t think that being in a relationship meant going back on our words. It would have been different if we had a conversation when we started dating and reworked our agreement, but there wasn’t anything like that.

Don’t you think you have yourself to blame for that? 

Tomide: To some level, I take the blame. And this isn’t just about Layo. It’s something I face in other relationships. Once I come to an agreement with someone, I always expect them to keep to it because that’s exactly what I’d do. But I’m learning that things aren’t always that way, and sometimes, you need to be willing to bend a little for peace to reign.

Layo eventually paid the money back, but I felt really bad afterwards. It was almost like I only started taking her situation into account after I got my money. How she’d been owed salaries, how her pay wasn’t that great, how she’d changed jobs and hadn’t really found her footing. I felt terrible because this was someone I claimed to love going through a hard time, but I was too blind to notice. And it wasn’t just that; she wasn’t wrong to expect that, as her partner, I should be able to make life easier for her as long as it was within my power.  

Layo: We barely spoke for almost two months after that. Living in the same house but existing in completely separate worlds. It was one of the lowest points in our relationship.

How did you guys resolve it, given that you both had a habit of resorting to the silent treatment? 

Tomide: We eventually realised we couldn’t keep going like that. Beneath it all, we loved and genuinely cared about each other. And I was starting to think that we could actually lose what we had. The illusion of staying in the same house probably didn’t make it immediately clear, but once realised, we had to sit down and actually talk. 

Layo: It was an incredibly difficult conversation, but absolutely necessary for us to move forward. I explained in detail how the splitting thing made me feel emotionally, and how it made me feel like he wasn’t really taking care of me the way I thought a boyfriend should. And he explained his perspective thoroughly about financial responsibility, not wanting to be taken advantage of, and the importance of both partners contributing equally to a shared life.

Right. And you guys have been able to move forward?

Tomide: Honestly, things are still not perfect yet between us. We’re still actively learning how to navigate this complex dynamic. I’m personally learning to make concessions and compromises, learning to accept that it can’t always be exactly 50-50 split down the middle in a romantic relationship. Sometimes I need to be more flexible and willing to cover costs without immediately calculating who owes what. But at the same time, I also need her to genuinely understand and respect that financial partnership and shared responsibility genuinely matter deeply to me. 

Layo: And I’m learning to be more financially responsible and consistent about contributing to our shared household, even though it’s honestly not my ideal vision or fantasy of how a romantic relationship should work financially. As much as I genuinely don’t like the arrangement, I have to admit that it’s giving me an unfiltered picture of what our future together might realistically look like if we end up getting married. 

Fair enough. What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Tomide: Layo is honest and straightforward in all her interactions with me. She’s not pretending or putting on an act. I also really appreciate that we can live together in close quarters and still give each other the space and breathing room we need when we need it. We’ve learned when to engage and when to back off.

Layo: Tomide is incredibly consistent and reliable as a partner. When he says he’s going to do something, he actually follows through without needing reminders or prodding. Financial issues and disagreements aside, he’s genuinely someone I can count on and depend on, someone I could see myself building a real life with. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Tomide: I’d give it a 7. I’m genuinely optimistic and hopeful about where we’re headed. I believe we can work through the minor issues.

Layo: I’d also say 7. There’s a strong foundation between us built on friendship and shared experiences. But there’s also a significant amount of work we still need to do on ourselves and on the relationship. 

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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