Now three people can break your heart in the same week

What’s better than one soul-crushing heartbreak? Three! Imagine crying about three people you love and having to go to work and smile the next day. Sounds amazing, innit? Worse? You’ll be going through a breakup while being in a happy relationship and feeling bad about being sad when it can’t be helped. 

RELATED: Dismantling 7 Myths About Polyamory

You’ll always know how all your money disappears 

Don’t you just love the security that comes with opening your banking app and seeing no money? The universe loves you so much that two of your partners were born in the same month, and both of their love languages are gift-giving. While others get the luxury of never knowing what they spent their salary on, you will always know. Loves cost everything, oh, arms and legs included. 

Your dating pool is even smaller

I mean, if there was a world record for most blocked in a year, you’ll probably win, and that’s something! Don’t you just love having even fewer options now? Precisely and if you think about it, you’ll learn how to get over heartbreaks faster, which can be a superpower!

Everyone and their daddies will judge you for free

So what if you can never bring your partner home to your parents? Think about how you cut bills on streaming platforms, rent, and cab billings, and see how good you’ve got it. Yes, by all means, friend that cheats on his partner unprovoked, tell me how being poly is wrong I’m very interested in your opinion!

Spending all your time on the road

You’ll have so much fun being stuff in traffic just to visit different partners outside the hours capitalism already steals; that’s so cute. The best part? When you put on your CV that you’re great at time management, you can attach your cab trip history for proof. 

Being great at sharing

Earthly possessions are meaningless anyways, so what if all the clothes in your wardrobe are gone now, and you buy double the usual groceries? You’ll quickly get used to sharing that favourite drink you don’t even let your siblings breathe around, and it won’t be a problem. 

Peace of mind

All your partners will love each other and live in peace and harmony, which will, in turn, give you peace of mind. No, come on, you’re not going to spend all your weekends settling fights because you spent more time with one person over the other. It’s all sunshine and rainbows. 

READ ALSO: Practising Polyamory in Ifo, Ogun State, on a ₦400k Monthly Income

That’s why we’ve come up with seven simple ways to feel less invisible as a bisexual person.

Walk anywhere and take whatever you like

I mean, you’re already invisible so do crime. How will they see you to catch? Walk into that store you’ve been eyeing for months and pick whatever you like. In fact, go to an amala joint and just dish whatever you like, eat and don’t pay. You’re basically untouchable at this point.

RELATED: 7 Bisexual Nigerians Talk Sleeping With Men & Women

Walk up to random people and shout, “It’s just a phase.”

I strongly suggest you make use of a megaphone so it’s more effective. Since everybody thinks it’s okay to tell you how to identify, they should be okay hearing it back too. If you like, set a reminder to send this to random group chats daily. Anything to get the message across. They already think you’re bisexual for attention anyway.

Wear the flag everywhere

It’s a beautiful flag, so buy many yards to sew as many clothes as possible. It’ll call attention to you, and maybe you’ll be more visible. It’ll also make Tunde from bumble stop saying stupid shit like, “Wow, I’ve never met a bisexual in my life”, before proceeding to ask for a threesome. 

Choose yourself

Since everyone’s favourite pastime is to tell you to pick a side, don’t let them know your next move. Choose yourself instead. As a bisexual person, your dating pool is instantly smaller because queer women think you’d cheat, and the men just want threesomes. Spare yourself all that and date yourself. It can’t get more self-love than that. 

Watch music videos that were your bisexual awakening

Like everyone else, there must be one or ten music videos that were your queer awakening. Whether it’s all of Beyonce’s music videos or that one song with , it’s hard to feel invisible when you’re watching things that make you feel seen.

Take a quiz

You know nothing makes you feel better than a good “How bisexual are you quiz”. Maybe you’ll finally figure it out, or probably not. Because your attraction to both genders might not be equal, and that’s okay. 

Watch your favourite shows

I know you watch it for the plot and amazing OST, and not for the two very different characters you have a crush on. When you feel the most invisible, you can always find comfort in romanticising a life where you’re married to both your celebrity crushes. 

READ ALSO: Sex Life: Awakening My Bisexuality At 27

For people like us who live in a country where it’s not so safe to be queer out loud and we get prosecuted for it due to the SAME SEX MARRIAGE (PROHIBITION) ACT (SSMPA) bill, it doesn’t take away the need to live as boldly as you can in public. Hence the need to flag. Queer flagging here means wearing, owing using terms, clothing, etc as a way of hinting to other another queer people that you too are queer. 

I spoke to these four queer Nigerians, and here’s what they had to say about flagging and why it’s important to them. 

Milan,  she/her

Queer flagging, to me, is showing other community members you’re one of them. The subtle hints allow other queer people to recognise you outside. It’s important for me to queer flag because I’m a femme woman meaning that I’m not someone people stereotypically ascribe queerness to. People see me and assume I’m for the man dem, but I’m for the girls and the gays. I want to be noticed by other queer women. I am tired of men moving to me, thinking I like them. I’m a lesbian. We live in a homophobic country, and you can’t just walk up to someone of your gender and tell them you like them like that. 

You have to watch out for signs, maybe looks or a particular attitude or behaviour. I like to be approached, talked to and taken seriously, so I flag because I don’t fit into the queer stereotype. To be honest, I don’t like queer flagging because it feels like a performance, but I understand its importance, even though I wish I didn’t have to. It feels like I’m performing sexuality and not staying true to myself, but it needs to be done.  

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JJ, he/him

Of course, there’s no one way to look queer, but when I was still a , no one could tell I was queer even when I went to queer parties. Now that I’m a typical example of what a queer masc person looks like, people now get me. 

I imagine it must be difficult for femme queer women. The problem is that even back then, I was a bit of a tomboy — and being tomboy doesn’t necessarily mean queer — but as soon as I cut my hair, everyone and their daddies started to call me “gay” outside. The upside to flagging is that your tribe will easily find you, but it will also attract homophobes. I will never stop, though. It’s the only way I can affirm my queerness in public when I feel the need to hide.  

Theo, she/they

Queer flagging for me is how I present myself when I’m outside in a bid not to look because I’m non-binary. I mostly never “look queer”. I envy people who can, though. I feel like I can just walk up to someone with aqueer aesthetic and talk to them, but I don’t “look it”, so they wouldn’t know how to react to me in that “I see you” way.

It sucks sometimes but it’s still important to me that queer people flag because it makes me feel like I’m not alone when I step out of my house. I live for that smile across the street when I see a queer person outside. It’s such a mood booster. You see someone living their best queer life and it makes you feel like you can do it too because this person is living so proudly. Like yass, that’s the agenda.

Ink, he/ they

Its important becausethose who know will recognise the way you flag. Queer flagging is important because it helps you find community. It’s not safe for people to just announce they’re queer in this hell of a country, but queer flagging will let you know who’s queer or, at the very least, who won’t mind being regarded as queer. When you understand how other people are flagging and they know you understand, it’s like an instant connection. You let down your guard around each other. I feel like I’m the only queer person around me sometimes, but going out and catching the eye of someone who’s also queer, sharing a smile or a nod? That thing can make  my day.

*Names have been changed to protect subjects’ identity, and answers slightly edited for clarity.

READ ALSO: 6 Queer Nigerian Women Talk About Experiencing Violence For Being Queer

You’ll enjoy each other’s shows 

Expectations: You’ll love each other’s shows and  be willing to wait for the other person when new episodes come out.  

Reality: One of you will spend the entire relationship begging the other to watch your shows. And one person will always be ahead of the other on the one you end up watching together. Life’s tough, but love is tougher.

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After the talking stage, a relationship is expected

Expectation: After spending that much time talking and getting to know each other’s childhood fears, the logical thing is a relationship.

Reality: Unfortunately, most times, all that happens is sex. Which, in all fairness, is not such a bad deal. But when you want more than sex, it’s hard not to keep getting disappointed by people with commitment issues. Hooking up is easy, but getting into a relationship is complicated. 

Everyone you meet is new, so it’s a unique experience 

Expectation: If you meet someone outside of your friends for the first time, and no one knows him, it’s refreshing, and you’ll end up in less messy situations. 

Reality: The dating pool is too small for the people you meet not to be your ex’s ex. If you meet someone no one knows, you should be careful, so you don’t get a Kito experience you’ll regret. 

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Clubbing or attending parties will be much better with your partner 

Expectation: Parties and clubs become 10x more fun when you go with your partner; what’s better than an experience you’ll share memories of instead of having to tell them about it? 

Reality: That’s how they’ll find your replacement in your presence. Also, one person will have less fun because they’d be too busy trying to keep the other safe. 

Sex will become slow-paced 

Expectation: Sex is great and all, but after a while, it won’t happen as often, and you’ll find other things to do together.

Reality: While this might seem like a threat, it actually never gets slow-paced. And if it does, y’all are about to break up. Why do you even want it to be slow-paced? Do you not like enjoyment?

Noncommitment can be fixed by making the relationship open

Expectation: If you guys are struggling to stay committed to one another because of years spent on the streets, opening the relationship will fix it.

Reality: Except one or both of you are polyamorous, there’s no way opening a relationship can solve cheating or your partner’s inability to commit. Some situations are considered cheating in open relationships too. So it’s better to talk things out and make rules even. 

They’d drop their standards for you

Expectations: It doesn’t matter what they usually like in a relationship, they’d drop it all for you. If he’s a bottom who’s never dated a bottom, he’ll change his mind because he likes you. 

Reality: He probably won’t. He’d drop those standards enough to have sex if he’s desperate, but not for a relationship. If, as a bottom, he thinks he can’t date a bottom, or as a masc guy, femme guys are too much for him, first, that’s a red flag, and you should run. Secondly, his opinion won’t miraculously change without you getting hate crimed first for a while. 

READ ALSO: The Lesbian Dating Experience: Expectations vs. Reality

The Owl House

The Owl House gave us Disney’s first openly bisexual character, Luz, who dated a girl after finding herself in a world full of magic. Even though the series was cancelled after three seasons, it did well with LGBTQ representation with characters like Rain, an older nonbinary character. The Owl House also had a great storyline and a fun animation style, so we were sad to see it end soon. It had a short ride, but this series gets a 10 because there’s no character as cute as King, and it’s a fan favourite. 

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Steven Universe

Steven Universe is great, but many things were and not as boldly stated as shows today. Still, we can’t talk about LGBTQ reps in shows without giving them credit for the part they played normalising kissing and getting married. The show gave us the first animated lesbian marriage, a nonbinary intersex character Stevonnie and arguably the most nontoxic masculine main character in TV history. For its part in paving the way for more queer shows, Steven Universe gets a 9/10 because it’s just that bitch, and we will never get over it. 

Dead End: Paranormal Park

From the start, this show said, “I’m going to give you a queer character and you will love him like you’ve known him forever.” The series is barely six days old but is already a fave because it stars a trans character that is relatable. Not only is he trans, but his love interest is also a man. Who else is doing it like them, show of hands?

They’ve given us binder struggles, funny-as-hell demons, and one of the show’s most badass villains is voiced by from . 

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She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

Lesbians, bisexuals, nonbinary/trans folk and gay couples. This show had us well fed. There was no coming out, no homophobia. It was all treated as naturally as it should be. I’m Jealous but also so happy for the younger queer audience that gets to experience this. The show was the wildest, most complicated lesbian love story I’ve ever seen, and the best part was that it had a happy ending. She-Ra was amazing but I rate it 7/10 for making their nonbinary character a . 

Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts

The only thing better than a show that teaches kids about the power of love and friendship is a show that isn’t afraid to use the word “gay”. This show gave us the softest men-loving men (MLM) relationship with Troy and Benson. My favourite part was that even in the face of an apocalyptic world full of talking animals, queerness was normalised. This show is vibrant, from the soundtrack to the animation style and colour, so it gets a solid 8/10. 

The Legend of Korra

Korra gave us bisexual representation, and that is why it’s on this goated list. Korra is the sequel to Avatar, the Last Airbender that we didn’t know we needed, and anyone that hates it is just . What’s not to love about a badass avatar that goes through so much and becomes stronger each time. And then her love story? Korrasami walked so every other queer ship could run. For that, it gets a 9/10 for us. 

Craig of the Creek

First of all, Craig of the Creek is an animated show focused on a black kid with several black characters just doing child-like things like exploring the creek in their hometown and making fun memories with their active imagination. Most importantly, the show gave us a  range of recurring LGBTQ+ characters. This includes a sapphic couple, a nonbinary character voiced by a nonbinary actor and one of the main characters who’s a lesbian. It’s raining 10s, people.

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1. The “Keep It together” meme

That weird random moment when your family members are bad-mouthing queer people around you, and you’re fighting the urge to scream, “It’s me, I’m queer people!”

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2. The “Don’t think about it too much” meme

Nobody should even tell you twice. Embrace it. You’re the main character now. 

3. The “Is this gay enough?”

No, because do they expect people to walk around draped in the pride flag?

4. The “Homophobic and still can’t speak English” meme

Use this meme when homophobes ask people with neo pronouns how they can use “they/they” for one person or when they say LgTv people as a joke. 

5.  The “try to mind your business” meme

When that family member that has problems comes to ask you foolish questions, refine this meme to fit their situation. You’re welcome. 

6. The “If you guys knew, why didn’t you tell me?”

Lowkey, this meme is for when you come out to your friends, and they say, “oh, we know” or “You’re just knowing” reread the title. 

RELATED: When a Queer Friend Comes Out to You, Here’s How to Be Respectful

7. The “Celebrate little wins.”

We might not be winning at many things, but for those of us who refuse to or can’t pay rent, being able to have your partner in your parent’s house is a blessing. 

8. The “ Na beg I dey beg you”

You love all your queer friends, but some can never come to your house because your parents will immediately clock them.

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9. The “wtf is a gay stereotype” meme

Sometimes you want to laugh at funny queer memes, but it’s so far removed from your reality. For instance, if you liked folding the arm of your t-shirt as a Nigerian child, the t-shirt probably wasn’t your size. But outside, it’s a lesbian thing. 

10. The “For here?” meme

When pride month begins, and the abroad queers start making jokes about how corporations change their logos, all you can do is laugh because honestly, for here?

READ ALSO: 8 Types of People You’ll Meet at a Queer Event

She will cheat and you will beg her to stay

If you don’t want someone to break your heart anyhow, maybe next time, come to the world with a big bum bum so you won’t be looking for it outside. These babes don’t even lie after they cheat on you. They’ll somehow make it your fault, and you’ll still be begging them not to break up. After God, fear femme queer women. 

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They will “astrology” their way into your life

If you think you’re special because she sends you weekly affirmations for your star sign, my dear, you’re not. If she comes into your life and her first question is, “What time were you born?” she wants to check your birth chart to find creative ways to ruin you. You can either run or enjoy the ride.

She’ll never stop talking to her ex

In fact, you’ll soon realise that half of her exes are yours too. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with having a healthy relationship with your ex. It shows that you’re not childish. That’s until y’all break up, and she dates that one ex of hers she told you nothing was going on with and all you can do is cry. 

Whatever game you think you’re playing, she’s already won

Just the thought of anyone thinking they can one up a femme queer woman has me screaming. They’ve chopped and served every sort of breakfast known to man so they’re always guiding. Best believe that they’ve anticipated your every move and checkmated you in their heads. 

You’re not half as important as her cat

Know this and make your peace with this. After you leave, her cat will still be there. Nevermind that they’re in an abusive, lowkey one-sided relationship, because, cats! Why would she pick you first? Don’t be that loser who tries to fight for her attention when she’s focused on her cat — which is every time. 

She’ll pull you, your friends and your mum

You’re a liar if you think you have more game than a femme queer woman. The amount of power they have is scary, but at least it’ll just have you in awe like she can have anyone, and she chose you? Mad! 

But it’s also a recipe for premium breakfast.

Forget everything you knew about sex

If you think you’re an expert in foki-foki, just wait until a femme woman sluts you out. You’ll sit at the edge of the bed after thinking of your life while you consider calling your exes to apologise for all the bad sex you guys used to have. 

ALSO READ: Masc Women Make These 9 Things Look 10 Times Hotter

Organise a picnic with your friends

Write the names of all seven colours of the rainbow on individual stripes of paper. Make everyone pick a colour randomly and then have them bring food items in that exact colour and dress up in the same colour. If your friend group isn’t up to seven, invite more people — the more, the merrier. 

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Invite your friends to a party where they have to dress as their favourite musician

You don’t even have to spend much money. Ask everyone to come with something to share with others. Set up karaoke and have them sing along to the musician they’re dressed as. Nothing says pride like a bunch of queer people singing Odunsi (The Engine’s) “wicked, sexy!” at the top of their lungs

Go to a poetry night

For queer people that enjoy reading and listening to poetry, you can attend any poetry night event or even host one yourself. Be ready to cry, laugh and have an all-around good experience listening to people’s stories and struggles.

Invite friends to binge-watch queer movies

You don’t need Pride to watch queer movies, of course, but Pride Month just makes binge-watching with your chosen family feel extra special. You have thirty whole days to go through as many full-length films, short films and animated films as possible. Be ready for the loud laughter, the God-when’s, and the tears. 

Attend online pride events 

For people that can’t physically attend any event, you can live vicariously through an online Pride celebration. Just talking and being in the presence of people that understand you makes all the difference.

Do something nice for someone

You can donate to a safe house or any GoFundMe of your choice. Buy queer books for younger queer kids, and write letters to your friends or those your social media mutuals. Think of Pride as queer Christmas. 

Buy Pride merch from queer-owned companies 

It may cost a little more to patronise small queer businesses but think of it as giving back to the cause. Buy as many accessories or flags as you can afford for friends and try to have a good time. 

READ ALSO: 9 Ways To Support Your Queer Friend During Pride Month

Ask all your questions

There’s no point in being shy. You’ve already taken all the big steps by messaging the vendor / going to a sex-toy shop. No one is more qualified to answer your questions than the person selling it. 

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Where is it getting delivered?

If you’ve never had your package stolen before, you won’t understand how important this is. Some vendors package strap-ons discreetly and label them as something else like “ Stockfish” or “Shoes” to throw people off, while others just wrap it as it is (shape, veins and all). Figure out the logistics of your delivery, abeg. 

No be you dey use am, no be you go pick the size or shape

Is it okay to own that 12-inch dildo with tentacles sprouting out from it? Yes. ? Totally. But your partner might not be into all that.  It’s important to ask the receiver’s opinion. If you’re both first time users, go with a smaller size in a non-realistic shape, so it’s easier to control. 

Make sure you get one made out of  suitable material

The material affects both the wearer and the receiver. You don’t want to break out in hives during sex because you’re allergic to latex. You can’t go wrong with silicone, but ask questions and make sure that it’s a material that is easy to clean. 

As a black person, don’t get a white dildo

No, for real. Why are you also trying to get rammed by coloniser penis? Pick nice colours. Buy a rainbow or skin coloured one. Hell, go crazy and get a basic purple one. Just make sure you like what you’ve gotten. 

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Let go of the money you’re about to spend

Don’t even think about the price. Just close your eyes and imagine all the good times you’re about to have. Remember that it’s an investment that will cost an arm and a leg, so get one that has all the fun features possible. Don’t look at your account balance after you purchase it. 

Get a good harness 

Also, ensure that it’s comfortable. If those complicated ones work for you, go for it. If it’s the leather or brief style harnesses that work, get those. Just make sure it’s compatible with the shape of the dildo you are getting. 

Practice how to wine your waist 

It will take some getting used to, so don’t rush into using it without enough practice. Stretch before you use it because your entire body will cramp up if you don’t, which can be embarrassing as hell in the heat of the moment. 

Learn how to clean it

Now that you’ve gotten all that out of the way make sure you clean your strap-on after every use. It’s just good hygiene. Also, that shit is expensive and cleaning it helps it last longer.

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D.E.B.S. (2004)

If you’ve seen and liked D.E.B.S, you’re usually the most interesting person in the room, and you know it. You mistakenly watched it as a child, thinking it was a spy movie and it guided you to the early realisation that you like women. You’re confident in a way that isn’t intimidating. Everyone thinks you’re a whore, but you’re actually in a committed relationship. 

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Gia

You’re that person in the community that has dated everyone’s ex.  You grew up watching and were either obsessed with Shane and grew up to be a serial heartbreaker,  or you liked Jenny and write poetry for fun now. The most problematic thing about you is that you keep falling in love with straight women. 

Rafiki

If you like Rafiki, you have the best taste in music, which has made you the supreme handler of the aux cord during hangouts. You believe in astrology don’t date certain star signs. You claim to hate drama, but you’re constantly at its centre.  You’re willing to swim through the kiddie pool full of urine (the dating pool) as many times as it’ll take to find Never change.

Handmaiden

You’re super intelligent and super intelligent and incredibly patient, which is understandable because you sat through the whole movie and had to read subtitles.  You’re probably in therapy, which is good because you’re clearly going through a lot if you like Handmaiden. You’re adventurous and into kinky shit. You also lie a lot because you keep saying you watched Handmaiden for the plot. when we all know it has no plot and is basically high budget softcore porn.

But I’m a Cheerleader

You are outgoing with a good sense of humour. You make friends effortlessly, and you love a good enemy-to-lovers story. You also love , but you haven’t gotten into it properly.  

Carol

If your favourite lesbian movie is Carol, you only date older women for sport or as a form of self-harm. You still text your ex often and lie about it. You’ve also slept with half of your friends. These people are usually creative and can be a little eccentric, which is why people keep falling for them. You also have a wine addiction.

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Portrait of a Lady on Fire

I am not saying you are a red flag if you like this movie, but the colour of your flag is not green. You’re all about the yearning and longing for love. You keep getting heartbroken by people who aren’t dating you. If there were an award for getting into situationships, you’d win it.

Elisa & Marcela

You say you like Elisa and Marcela because you are pretentious, and you like being the only one in the room that wants something “different” even though the only thing different about it is that it’s in black and white. You’ve also never been able to finish this movie because you only watched the sex scenes and avoided the trauma,  and I stan. 

The Happiest Season

The only reason anyone would like this movie is that they had a Twilight phase and are now obsessed with . Either that or you just really enjoy celebrating Christmas. You are super cute and want to do adorable things like wearing matching sweaters or making TikToks with your partner.

Prom

You don’t tell anyone you like this movie because everyone hates it, and you don’t like petty arguments. You watched this specifically for because you want to date older women, but you’d never actively pursue one. You are also very romantic, and you still believe in fairytale types of love, which is precious. 

Below Her Mouth

You are a baby gay. You don’t do relationships and just like to vibe, which is interesting because you also catch feelings quick. Below Her Mouth was probably your first lesbian film, and even though you’ve seen better, you’re still holding on to it. You thrive in toxic situations, and you like .

ALSO READ: Nigerians, Here’s What Your Favourite Adult Cartoon Says About You

żěèĘÓƵ is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.