If you had asked me what Danish Deception was a few days ago, I would’ve sworn it’s when you open a tin of Danish cookies hoping to find sugary delights but end up with sewing supplies.

This soap-opera-style TitkTok mess comes to us courtesy of Onyeka Ehie, a Nigerian-American and former Bachelor contestant. Here’s a photo of her pre-scam:

She was a contestant on the 23rd season of (Colton Underwood’s season, LMAO) and was eliminated in Week 5. She eventually returned for the 6th season of the spin-off show, Bachelor in Paradise.

She revealed in a 25-part TikTok series how her three-year marriage to a Danish man named Martin Fredsgaard Andersen started like a cheesy romance flick and ended like something you already know Netflix is making a documentary about.

Personally, I think the story didn’t need to be this long. There’s a lot of fluff that we could have done without but ultimately made the story more immersive. On that note, I have to hand it to her for making this retelling cinematic AF. She released a teaser video, followed by the pilot, and ended each chapter with a cliffhanger. She even named the saga herself.

While watching it, I realise why she’s told the story this way. If you’re going to reveal to the world how you got scammed, you might as well make some money from it. Each video in the series has a ton of views, and I have no doubt that her account is monetised.

I know that’s right.

Because we don’t have all the time in the world, I will be cutting through the fluff to get you the main gist. So sit down and grab some scones . Because…

The silhouette is you. We like to have fun over here.

It’s June 2022. Our protagonist, Onyeka, is tired of serving capitalism, so she goes on vacation to Croatia where she meets a Danish man named Martin. They flirt heavily with each other, bond, and exchange Instagram handles, agreeing to keep in touch.

Here’s a picture of them together so you have a face in mind whenever I mention him.

I have to mention that I found this photo of them on an Instagram page named ““. Do not take this as commentary on interracial relationships. I just think it’s funny as hell.

As the days go by, Martin is blowing up her Instagram with flirty messages. They start talking, and it’s clear there’s mutual attraction. He reveals that he comes from a royal family and offers to fly her out. She first refuses because she’s an “Independent Woma (Part 1 by Destiny’s Child), but eventually agrees. Martin pulls out all the stops. He flies her out to Monaco and then to Cannes where they knock genitals. Onyeka is getting her entire life.

She’s so turnt that she tells him she’s in love with him, and then passes out on her way to the bathroom, smacking her head on a flight of stairs in the process. Just as the ambulance is about to take her to the hospital, lying in a puddle of her blood and urine (she peed herself when she fell), Martin cradles her face and says, “I love you too.”

When Onyeka returns home to America, she tells her family and friends that she’s found love. Her typical Nigerian parents react the way you expect.

But they eventually come around, and so do her friends. Months later, Onyeka and Martin have settled into the rhythm of long-distance relationships, which I assume involves a lot of…

It’s hard out here for long-distance relationship folks.

Martin announces that he owns multiple rental properties in Denmark and is considering buying another, but currently doesn’t have enough money because his cash is temporarily tied up in other things. Onyeka feels guilty that he’s paid for everything so far. And because she believes they’re in a relationship that’s heading to marriage, she offers him some money as a way to “pull her weight”. He’s grateful but turns down her offer.

Here’s Whoopi Goldberg to voice the thought I had when I got to this part of the story.

Not long after, Martin visits Onyeka in America and charms the pants off her family and friends. He randomly mentions being an Olympian, which gags everyone present, including Onyeka, because he’d never brought it up before now. When he returns to Denmark, she’s depressed AF and offers to uproot her entire life to move to Denmark and be with him. He declines, saying he doesn’t want to separate her from her family. With the level of care and consideration Martin showed, I imagine Onyeka was like…

Right after this, Martin’s life seemingly goes to shit as the following series of unfortunate events happen to him:

• His father dies.
• His uncle also dies.
• He develops severe back pain due to two herniated discs and has to get surgery.
• Something goes wrong with the electrical setup in the apartment building he just bought that would cost $50,000 to fix.

He decides to cancel his trip to see Onyeka so he’ll have enough money to fix his problems. She misses him so much, though, so she gives him some money to help him fix his building problem so the trip can proceed as planned.

These things happen over the span of months. In that time, they decide to get married, go ring shopping, and consult an immigration lawyer. Onyeka’s mother randomly asks if Martin’s parents even know Onyeka exists, because they’ve never met. Onyeka briefly spirals over this, but returns to regular programming when the delusion takes over.

Then comes the next set of problems for Martin:

• Because Martin plans to move to America, he sells his house and decides to invest $250,000 from that sale into a friend’s plumbing business. Onyeka encourages it after he insists it’s a good investment.
• Weeks later, he claims the Danish IRS says he owes $318,000 in unpaid taxes and asks to borrow $15,000 from her to complete the money he has. When she hesitates because she needs the money to pay her own taxes soon, he manipulates her by saying that if he doesn’t fix this, it will jeopardise his green card application process. She immediately gives in and lends him the money. He now owes her $25,000.
• A friend he borrowed from to sort the tax problem needs his money back urgently. She gives him $3000 to add to the money he’s already raised to pay his friend back.

At some point in all this happening, they set a wedding date. They get married at a courthouse with Onyeka in a Fashion Nova dress.

Not Fashion Nova. Lol

They go on vacation to Cabo…

Eat the rich fr

…and while Onyeka’s stunting for the gram, she notices many Danish people viewing her stories, including Martin’s ex-girlfriend. When she points this out to him, he calls them bad belles and asks her to block all of them. She does and forgets about it.

Here’s a list of weird stuff that happens next:

• Onyeka meets Martin’s parents and is shocked to see that they don’t live like royalty. The house is small, the vibes are off, and he seems somewhat ashamed of the house. She just assumes that they don’t enjoy the flashy life.
• Martin announces he’s found a wealthy family to buy the apartment building and claims their contract requires both sides to put money into escrow so no one pulls out. He says he needs $120,000 and will get a loan for $100,000 and needs $20,000 more. She gives him $3000, bringing the total money he owes her to $31,000.

To celebrate selling his house, he wants them to go ON YET ANOTHER VACATION. She rightly points out that they have very little money, so he suggests they use her credit cards, seeing as the sale of the house will go through soon, and he’ll pay her back. Even though her savings are gone at this point, SHE AGREES, accruing credit card debt on top of the regular debt she already has.

After the trip, Martin claims the IRS has flagged the sale of his Denmark house. She panics because it means they’re going to struggle financially for longer. He says the IRS has scheduled a hearing for this, which goes badly. A second hearing is set for his personal and business accounts. He claims all his assets will be frozen for months and that the government will put him on a fixed living allowance. He insists she shouldn’t tell anyone about his financial issues so they won’t look at him differently.

He later says the second hearing went well and instantly sends her only $9000, claiming all remaining funds are in his business account, which is now frozen for eighteen to twenty-four months. He claims his remaining money has been drained by insurance charges on his two rental buildings. He is suddenly broke again, and she resumes supporting him financially.

At Christmas 2023, Onyeka gets Martin’s real tea from one of his close friends.

Martin has a major gambling addiction.

Here’s some other stuff she finds out:

• He owes her friends (Let’s call them Mr and Mrs Watch) $200,000. Months prior, Martin approached Mr and Mrs Watch about a watch selling business. Mr Watch agreed and the watches were sold, but Martin never sent their share of the money. ($200,000)
• Martin lied about no longer having a gambling addiction. Mrs Watch does some digging and finds out that the payments for the watches were made into a crypto wallet that’s been connected to a gambling website for years.

Mrs Watch suggests they hire a private investigator to find out more about Martin. Here’s what the PI finds:

• No criminal background — a miracle given his track record with money.
• He never went to the Olympics.
• The house he claimed he was living in in Denmark at the time he and Onyeka met wasn’t his. The PI reverse Google-searched a photo of the house and found out the house is situated in Germany.

She confronts him with all this, and he attempts to lie but gives in and starts crying when she threatens to call his mother. At this point, I’m like:

BUT SHE DOESN’T. She still loves him and thinks things can still be salvaged. She makes him start attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings. They also set up a plan to repay Mr and Mrs Watch. And for a few months, things seem to be going well.

Until she finds out that he’s still gambling. Like mad. As in, he’s gambled all his money away and has only 34¢ in his bank account.

They do the whole spiel again. She gets upset, he cries, apologises, and they go back to regular programming.

Until he starts gambling again.

This time, he sells more of his comically expensive watches, takes a salary advance from his workplace, and uses ALL THE MONEY TO GAMBLE.

Everything that happens next is a rollercoaster of shit so I’m going to put it in list form.

Ready?

• Martin somehow owes Onyeka’s mother $10,000 he owes her. He claims he’s sent it and keeps lying about why it hasn’t arrived yet. When Onyeka confronts him about it, he yells about being unhappy and proceeds to excuse himself from the narrative that is their marriage. He then storms out and flies back to Denmark.
• While Onyeka is crying to her sisters about her impending divorce, she finds out he also borrowed $3000 from her youngest sister. Twice. He paid back the first time and didn’t pay back the second time.

This is when Onyeka’s eyes finally open.

• She starts calling all the friends and family she’d introduced Martin to and found out he’d borrowed money from them and never paid back. Pretty much every single one, and he told them to keep it a secret from her.
• Onyeka unblocks Martin’s ex on IG and reaches out to her. The ex already knows what’s going on and spills even hotter tea: They’d dated for seven years (he’d told Onyeka they only dated for four). She reveals he stole money from her, her family, her friends, her coworkers, and that he was still with her four months into his relationship with Onyeka.

At this point, Onyeka is like:

• Onyeka call up Martin’s sister, whom she had never spoken to because Martin said he had beef with her. She learns the royalty claim was fake, and Martin never owned any property in Denmark. Martin’s sister explains that Martin has a long history of borrowing money from people for fake business ideas. Around the time of his rehab stint, he got money from loan sharks who threatened to break his knees and those of his friends and family. After that, he escapes to Shanghai and starts scamming people there too.
• Also, his old gambling rehab doctors had described his gambling addiction as the worst they’d ever seen in their careers.

That last one made me cackle because it gave me flashbacks to Dr Samuel Loomis describing Michael Myers in the first Halloween movie.

To say Onyeka is distraught is an understatement. She calls everyone she knows Martin spoke to while in America and finds out from some guy who wanted to be a mentor to Martin that Martin had scammed him of $30,000. He’d even sued Martin, but Martin lied and hid it from Onyeka.

Onyeka decides that all she can do now is fight, and, seeing as Martin didn’t leave behind any clothes or a car for her to burn, she starts by initiating the divorce proceedings. This makes Martin start blowing up her phone with ChatGPT-crafted messages saying he loves her and wants to work on what they have. She ignores him until she’s walking her dog one day, and he shows up in a black SUV and says with a smile, “Hey baby.”

Onyeka, who is seeing things clearly for the first time in three years, takes in a deep breath and screams…

And so he drives off in a hurry. Was he actually trying to kidnap her?!

Imagine “Hopeful” by Twista and Faith Evans playing as you read this portion

Onyeka is no longer legally tethered to Martin Fredsgaard Andersen. He couldn’t get anything else from her because she bought everything she had before they met and didn’t have time to put his name on any documents.

Their divorce was finalised on the 4th of November, 2025.

Onyeka refuses to end it here, though. She’s dedicated to making sure no one ever experiences what she went through. She says many victims of Martin’s have reached out to her since she put her story out, and she’s putting enough evidence together to put Martin behind bars forever.

You better werk, Onyeka.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity  on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I’m truly obssessed with how the photographer airbrushed them into uncanny valley territory.

The movie starts in what is obviously a Lekki shortlet. Odogwu (Uzor Arukwe) has brought Chioma (Bam Bam) to meet his village elders, but things don’t look as joyous as they should. I’m still wondering why the long faces when the elders look Chioma in the face and call her:

And I’m like,

Turns out Chioma was born out of wedlock, and Odogwu’s village elders aren’t down with that. They claim that if Odogwu, a titled man, marries such a woman, it would besmirch his family name or some shit. They insist the wedding can not happen and ask him to choose between Chioma and his title.

Chioma, who’s just been called a bastard unprovoked, is in distress because her man is about to pick a title over her. She gearing up to cry…

…but then wakes up screaming.

T’was just a nightmare.

Chioma is launching her perfume store named Arena Scents. Her family members are present in bone straight wigs of varying qualities.

That middle one in particular is diabolical.

Odogwu is also present, and his outfit is just insane.

A pair of nurse scrubs with an coat? I am STRESSED.

Chioma asks Odogwu why his mother, Mummy Odogwu, isn’t present even though he promised he’d bring her. She complains that she’s never met his mother and doesn’t know what she looks like because he’s only ever shown her a 30 year old picture of Mummy Odogwu.

He brushes it off with a joke that makes her giggle and promises that she’ll meet his mother soon. This is a thing that happens thorough out the movie, btw. She’ll complain about something, he’ll crack a joke to throw her off, she’ll say, “Odogwu, stop!” and tee-hee until she forgets what was bothering her in the first place.

Girl, stop giggling, and STAND ON BUSINESS!

The next day, Chioma gets to the store to find all the shelves empty. She gets like Marvin and asks what’s going on, and the attendant explains that she posted a snippet of Chioma’s speech from the store launch along with a song named “Achalugo” by an artist signed to Mavin Records named Boy Spyce.

Boy Spyce reposted the video to his story, and Don Jazzy reposted it to his, causing other celebrities to follow suit until the general public felt compelled to patronize the store in droves.

Dear reader, so begins the long list of super aggressive product placements in this movie.

I guess Omoni Oboli figured that if Smart Money Woman could get away with human product placement, she could too.

Chioma tells Odogwu about her business’ stroke of luck. He decides to buy her a logistics company so she can keep up with orders. And that’s how we get:

At the end of the logistics company conversation, she says, “I love you” and he replies with:

I don’t know if it was an editing error or an intentional joke, but it made me cackle.

There’s a scene where Odogwu receives a phone call from Chioma. Apropos of nothing, he says this:

We’re just getting started, you guys.

Gifts meant for Chioma are delivered to her office, along with a note. She initially thinks they’re from Odogwu but realises they’re not after reading the poem that came with them. The poem is refined and cultured. That’s not Odogwu’s style. Chioma has a secret admirer. She can’t keep the gifts, so she gives them to her assistant.

Also, peep:

The excitement on the assistant’s face is killing me. Lmao

Odogwu is at dinner with his family when Mummy Odogwu complains about Chioma being too focused on career shit. She insists Chioma should focus on bearing sons instead and starts to criticise Odogwu’s affinity for career women when her other son points out that the reason Odogwu loves the career ladies is that Mummy Odogwu herself was a career woman.

Mummy Odogwu (Patience Ozokwor, who you’ll remember has never met Chioma) doesn’t rate her and sees her as a gold digger. She doesn’t take their relationship seriously either and loudly wishes for the day his obsession with Chioma will end. Determined to prove that his love for Chioma isn’t a passing fad, he declares that he’s going to see Chioma’s relatives the following week to make his intentions to marry her known. Mummy Odogwu is not happy about this development, and her face can not hide it.

Odogwu is having a meeting with UBA staff…

…when Chioma calls to gist him about how a popular Dubai perfume company named Supreme wants Arena Scents to become their official distributor in Africa. I pause the movie here to figure out if I missed a scene of her doing juju because the luck her business has been getting since she launched is wild.

There’s a scene where Odogwu and Chioma are making out in bed.

She’s getting super into it and is ready for them to knock genitals.

But he pulls away saying:

So now, she’s like:

I feel you, sister.

The movie itself is full of scenes that have nothing to do with anything. It’s structured worse than Nigeria’s economy, and I’m fighting for my life trying to make sense of it.

Odogwu gifts Mama Chioma a house so he can ask for her daughter’s hand in marriage. He tells Chioma that he started building the house immediately after they first met because he knew he was going to marry her someday. Chioma is touched by this, but I’m like:

Wedding preparations begin. Mama Chioma and Ify (Chioma’s sister or friend??) are way more enthusiastic about things than Chioma is. Ify suggests they make a destination wedding and starts listing off locations.

While Mama Chioma is scamming the hell out of her friends in the name of aso ebi:

Meanwhile, Mummy Odogwu learns about Chioma’s true parentage and is determined to get the wedding called off. She tries to make Odogwu do it, but he doesn’t care, so she goes to their village elders. When she sense hesitation in them, she pulls out her secret weapon.

Emotional manpulation.

It works, and all the elders are gagged.

Chioma’s ex-boyfriend, Hassan (Chris Attoh), saunters into the plot. He’s the secret admirer who sent the gifts earlier and is also on the board of Supreme, the Dubai perfume company looking to partner with Arena Scents. He declares his intention to get back with her by doing this:

But she’s with Odogwu now. Also, their relationship ended when he ghosted her years into their relationship. So she’s like:

He later buys her a G-Wagon to win back her love (is everybody in this movie doing money ritual??) but she tosses the keys in his face and tells him off.

Odogwu tracks down Chioma’s father and brings him to her office. She is pissed, because, like, who sent him message? He mentions how he’s been seeing ignored calls from her dad on her phone and somehow took that as a sign that she wanted to see him (???) These calls have never been shown or even referenced before now, so we’re either witnessing shitty writing or editing. Odogwu goes to her house to apologise, she accepts, and he spends the night. Then they make us watch this sequence of him brushing his teeth just so they can show this:

Odogwu’s village elders are unable to make him cancel the wedding. So they summon Chioma, instructing her and the spirit of wedlock she carries around to leave Odogwu alone. Odogwu makes it clear he doesn’t give a shit about his family’s approval and is willing to elope with Chioma, but she refuses for the following reason:

And ends the relationship.

Chioma tries throwing herself into work to distract from the breakup but finds that the universe hates her. The Supreme Dubai deal has been cancelled. Petty ass Hassan got the deal called off when she spurned his advances.

Chioma’s life right now is straightup diarrhea, and she just can’t even. She drops everything and goes on vacation at Ziba Resort to have a heartbreak montage.

The framing of this shot (so the resort’s name is visible) is sending me into oribit.

Odogwu hasn’t given up yet, though. He gets Chioma’s location from Ify and deliberately sends his mother on vacation there so she can get to know Chioma. The thing is, Chioma has never met Mummy Odogwu and doesn’t know what she looks like. But Mummy Odogwu knows Chioma. This leads to Chioma spending the next few days unknowingly auditioning for Mummy Odogwu. They run into each at the breakfast buffet and reach for the last piece of chicken at the same time. Chioma graciously leaves it for Mummy Odogwu.

They run into each other again during lunch when a random couple is arguing loudly, and Chioma defends the woman.

Mummy Odogwu later finds Chioma reading on the beach.

After a talking for while, Mummy Odogwu decideds Chioma is good enough for her son. Odogwu shows up at the resort to find Chioma. They suck face on the beach and get back together. Mummy Odogwu reveals her identity to Chioma the next morning. They all laugh and hug, and I half-expect them to jump into a freeze frame. But that doesn’t happen, because this isn’t that type of movie (a fun one).

We’re finally at the traditional wedding. The cooks are in the kitchen whipping up a feast when we get the product placement motherload.

And FINALLY the movie ends, with Odogwu and Chioma sucking face in a wedding dress store.

You just know there’s a sequel coming that’ll focus on the white wedding.

Today, I’ll be recapping Merry Men 3: Nemesis.

The following tweet is my official intro for this article.

Let’s get into it.

The movie starts with a flashback to an unspecified point in time when the entire world was covered with the sepia filter Hollywood uses for films set in Mexico. We’re introduced to two characters, Dafe and Ayo, played by the worst child actors I’ve ever seen. Ayo is showing Dafe a magic trick involving a coin.

After a title card that serves PS1 realness, the movie returns to the present day and drops us smack in the middle of a police car filmed and edited like the director was trying his hardest to make the audience vomit. Also, am I bugging or is this Andrew Tate??

The robber gets away after blowing up the police cars and returns to the rest of his crew. They takes off their mask and is revealed to be Dafe — one of the kids from the opening scene — now played by Chidi Mokeme. Dafe asks to be released from the robbery gang as he has paid what he owes (what this is all about will be revealed later), and the gang leader says no.

TEN BANKS?!

So Dafe kills the rest of the crew with poison (the poison somehow takes hold of all of them at the same time), shoots the leader in the face, and returns to Nigeria.

In the next scene, Ayo (Ramsey Nouah) is getting married to his girlfriend, Dera. Dera was played by Damilola Adegbite in the last movie, but:

As Ayo and Dera are reading their vows, a recording of Dafe’s voice starts playing over the church’s PA system. While Ayo’s groomsmen, Amaju (AY) and Johnny (Williams Uchemba), try to figure out what’s happening, the wedding guests are LIVING for the drama. My favourites are these two:

Dafe makes them watch a live stream of their friend, Naz (played in the last movie by Jim Iyke but by a body double in this one), getting blown up with a car bomb on his way to Ayo’s wedding. All the main characters react to this death to the best of their actors’ abilities. But Naz’s girlfriend, Kemi (Rosaline Meurer), reacts by screaming directly into the camera for some reason, and it’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.

Ajamu goes to warn fellow merry man Remi (played by Falz in the last movie) that there’s a new threat but finds him dead. All I can think about at this point is how many people declined to return to this franchise by saying, “Kill off our characters and use their deaths to kickstart this anyhow plot.”

While the merry men are grieving their losses, Dafe returns to his village to see his mother. He learns from his mother’s friend that his mother died months prior from an illness, and she couldn’t be treated due to a lack of health facilities in the village.

After he says this, Dafe comes to a conclusion.

Because he’s tired of them stealing the funds meant for things like health facilities. His first target is a politician named Chief Jimoh (Jide Kosoko). Jide Kosoko is in this movie for all of three minutes and spends 99% of that time doing this:

Dafe shoots Chief Jimoh in the face, anyway. He then kidnaps the priest and friend of the gang, Uduak Francis (played by Ejike Asiegbu in the last movie but now played by Sam Dede), and promises to let Uduak go if Ayo comes.

Ayo shows up, but to no one’s surprise, Dafe shoots them both. Uduak dies, but Ayo survives thanks to a bulletproof vest. Ajamu, Johnny, and Dera take Ayo to a hospital to be cared for by a Doctor Ejiro (played by famously 35-year-old actress and reality TV star Carolyna Hutchings).

The merry men find out they’re wanted by the police because Dafe has framed them for the murder of Chief Jimoh, so they return to their secret bunker to figure out what to do next. Amaju gets a call from prison. It’s Dame Maduka (Ireti Doyle), and she wants Amaju to visit her. Amaju is worried about being caught by the police, so he dons a disguise.

Y’all. Look at this disguise.

I haven’t seen a disguise this flimsy since . Jesus Christ.

I zone out for a bit, and something Dame Maduka says snaps me back to reality and makes me question the nature of the movie I’m watching.

Keep in mind that I didn’t alter the subtitles here. So I’m just sitting there like:

Dame Maduka says she has information on Dafe’s whereabouts and is willing to share, but only if the merry men break her out of prison. And they do, with the help of a character recruited by Dera named Zara (Ufuoma McDermott). Zara initially refuses to help because she’s worried about her son’s safety.

But Dera is like:

Zara robs a bank, intentionally gets caught, and is sent to the same prison Dame Maduka is in. I pause here to laugh at how easily this plan would’ve fallen apart if she’d been sent to another prison. Thank God for plot for convenience. After delivering Dame Maduka to the merry men bunker base of operations, Zara attempts to peace the fuck out…until Dafe sashays back into the movie’s plot to reveal that he’s kidnapped her son.

Zara freaks the fuck out.

She loses her entire shit and holds everyone at gunpoint for some reason.

Dame Maduka is just In the corner like:

Dame Maduka would be great at “So You Don’t Have To.”

Zara goes on a solo rescue mission and is promptly captured, beaten, and given the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego treatment. Except that in this case, she feels the fire and dies horrifically.

Dafe says he’ll release Zara’s son if the merry men kill the senate president. They agree. While they plan for this, Dame Maduka convinces Kemi (Naz’s grieving widow) to give her the code to the group’s vault in exchange for Dafe’s whereabouts so Kemi can get her revenge.

This is incredibly stupid because the merry men already know where Dafe is. This subplot only happens so Dame Maduka can clear the vault and run off with their money while they’re on their mission. But whatever, sha.

Ayo shoots the senate president on-camera…

…while Dafe watches with so much excitement, it looks like he’s creaming his jeans.

Dafe asks the merry men to meet him at Zara’s son’s favourite place. The merry men are confused because Zara, the only person who would know this, has been barbecued. Dera correctly guesses that it’s the Hakuna Matata theme park in Lekki because that’s where she met with Zara earlier in the movie.

And that’s when I clock what’s happening.

The movie’s climax is set up to happen at Hakuna Matata theme park due to a product placement deal between the park and the movie studio. I’m just like:

The merry men get there at the same time as the police. Dafe finds out that the merry men faked the senate president shooting video, so he angrily straps a bomb to Zara’s son’s chest. The merry men show up, and many fucking awful fight scenes happen concurrently. Dafe is defeated, and the merry men are free to go because their names have been cleared. It’s revealed that Ayo is the father of Zara’s son.

Meanwhile, Dame Maduka attempts to escape with the merry men’s money but is thwarted by the police.

Hopefully, for the last time, because I DO NOT want to see another Merry Men movie.

Today, I’ll be recapping “A Weekend to Forget.”

“The reunion of seven friends takes a deadly turn when old tensions resurface, leading to a murder. Trust is shattered, turning friends into enemies, and they must unravel the mystery behind the murder.”

– The movie’s synopsis on Prime Video

The movie starts with a man named Chief Ajasa (Akin Lewis) stepping out of an elevator and lighting a Cuban cigar right in front of a no-smoking sign. This is so you know he’s a villain who doesn’t give a shit about rules.

The movie then cuts to another guy named Asaolu (Francis Onwochei) in a hotel room having a genital meet & greet with an unnamed girl. He’s so engrossed in his genital bump session that he doesn’t notice two enormous men dressed in all black enter the room.

By the time he notices, it’s too late. The enormous men grab him by his boobs and toss him around.

Chief Ajasa has orchestrated this. He’s pissed because Asaolu was supposed to give him a business contract but gave it to someone else. So he’s decided to retaliate by doing this:

I haven’t been more gagged by the opening of anything since Game of Thrones‘ pilot episode hit viewers with the insane combo of incest and child murder.

After a title card, we meet Chief Ajasa’s daughter, Lisa (Uche Montana), a popular vlogger (?), and her boyfriend, Bem (Neo Akpofure). Bem has come to pick Lisa up so they can go on a weekend trip with a few of their friends. Chief Ajasa is there to say goodbye to Lisa when he notices the car Bem arrived in and is like:

Chief Ajasa suggests they take his SUV since he doesn’t like the idea of his precious daughter riding in Bem’s rickety ass car. Bem and Lisa agree to this and immediately get in and drive off.

Next, we meet Tito (Stan Nze) and Nodal (Erica Nlewedim). Tito is the newest Nollywood star on the scene, and Ndali is his manager/girlfriend. When the movie introduces them, they’re at a product placement photoshoot for Lord’s dry gin, and Tito is showing more boob than a horny teenager in a low-budget slasher film.

Can my fellow fans in the house MAKE SOME NOISE!!!

When the photoshoot is done, Tito and Ndali head out for the weekend trip.

Next we meet Shima (Daniel Etim Effiong) and Layo (Ini Dima-Okojie). They’re married, and their childlessness is an ever-present elephant in the room because Layo wants one, but Shima kinda doesn’t. In their first scene, Layo has just gotten off a phone call with her mother.

Lastly, we meet Ferdinand (Elozonam Ogbolu), Bem’s cousin and wealthy playboy who has planned this weekend trip. Ferdinand welcomes everyone to the house he’s rented for them to party in, dressed in a cunty ass bathrobe.

There’s some tension in the group when everyone finds out Bem is coming. Shima especially makes it clear that he hates Bem’s guts.

Ferdinand takes them on a tour of the house and describes it like it’s about to be Wolf of Wall Street/The Great Gatsby levels of partying up in there, but it’s just a regular Airbnb with a few bottles of alcohol on the centre table.

What follows is an almost three-minute sequence of the most boring partying I have ever seen. The way it’s filmed is even weirder, soundtracked by KCee’s Ojapiano and with enough slow motion to shock Zack Snyder. There is one excellent shot of Ferdinand drinking champagne underwater, so I’ll just post that.

Later that day, Lisa is in the kitchen getting a bottle of water when Shima walks in and asks her how she’s been. It’s revealed that Shima is a lying bastard who dated Lisa for eight months and then ghosted her…while still married to Layo. Shima tries to gaslight her by saying:

And Lisa responds by gagging him.

She then reveals that she’s pregnant by showing him a picture of a positive pregnancy test kit.

And she threatens to tell Layo.

In the next scene, Lisa notices a giant butterfly tramp stamp on Tito’s lower back. She immediately recognises him as Jay Rocker, a famous pornstar from Xvideos, and even says she has one of his videos saved on her phone. Tito denies this with all the energy of Michael Jackson denying the plastic surgery allegations and storms off. He informs Ndali that he’s about to be exposed, and she promises to handle it.

She threatens Lisa with a defamation suit, and their interaction goes like this.

Not long after this, this happens:

Sizwe Bansi Lisa is dead. Layo, who is a doctor, checks the body and says it’s murder. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. We’re in a classic whodunit.

Things get messy as hell from here.

Tito decides to leave because he can’t have his rising star extinguished by being involved in such a scandal. Bem locks the doors and screams that none of them can leave until they figure out who murdered Lisa because he will not be suffering the wrath of Chief Ajasa by himself.

Remember Chief Ajasa? It seemed like he would be a big part of this movie, huh?

Anyway, Tito tries to fight Bem for the keys but gives up when Bem retaliates by slashing Tito’s arm with a knife.

While Layo helps treat Tito’s wound, Ndali steals Lisa’s phone so she can delete Tito’s videos.

Let’s talk about this pornstar subplot for a bit.

If Lisa didn’t recognise Tito’s face when she met him for the first time and used the butterfly tattoo to clock him, that means Tito doesn’t show his face in any of the porn videos he made. This also means that Lisa’s death lets him off the hook because she was the only one who knew.

Another thing is Lisa stated she downloaded the video from XVideos, which means that all Titos videos are pretty much on every free porn site already.

So why is Ndali still trying to delete the video?

Shima is looking for bandages to help with Tito’s wound when he finds a positive pregnancy test kit in Layo’s box. He assumes it’s the one Lisa showed him a picture of and that Layo knows of his affair. So he goes to the living room and confesses to her in front of everyone. It turns out that Layo had no idea, and the pregnancy test is hers. She was going to surprise him with the news later. She’s pregnant, which is cool, but she also just found out her husband be cheating, so damn.

Bem sees this as a motive for Shima to have murdered Lisa, but Shima insists he was in his room with Layo, and she backs him up. Ferdinand asks Bem to relax, and Bem replies by throwing accusations Ferdinand’s way. Ferdinand asks what his motive is, and Bem says:

Ferdinand is like:

And he’s right. Bem throws his accusation as if Lisa knew about it and was going to expose Ferdinand. But we never know if she did because the movie never establishes this.

Shima, Tito, and Ferdinand are plotting to pin the murder on Bem when an alarm on Lisa’s phone goes off, and the phone is found in Tito’s pocket. Bem brandishes his knife at Tito, demanding to know why Tito has Lisa’s phone, so Tito confesses that he used to do porn before he became famous. There’s an unintentionally funny scene where Bem unlocks Lisa’s phone, and the first thing that pops up is the porn video. Bem somehow recognises Tito in the video — even though no one’s face is showing — and recoils in horror.

Because how does he know it’s Tito if he’s not a fan?

Knowing that he looks guilty as hell, Tito tries to pin the murder on Ndali. And boy, is she pissed when she finds out.

Layo and Ndali later find the murder weapon in Bem’s closet.

After a quick fight to subdue Bem, who kicks all of their asses, Ndali knocks Bem out with a vase. They all decide to pin the murder on him and toss him in the pool to die for some reason. Bem wakes up after landing in the pool, but all the guys hold him under until he drowns in the worst death scene since Talia Al Ghul’s in The Dark Knight Rises.

They place Bem and Lisa in the driver and passenger seats, respectively and roll the car into a ditch, making it look like they both died in an accident. They then clean the house and leave the following day, promising each other never to speak of the weekend’s events. Ndali also breaks up with Tito and drops him as her client.

When Shima and Layo get home, Shima finds a necklace with an L-shaped pendant in his car. He remembers giving it to Lisa while they were dating and suspects Layo is the killer. He confronts her when they’re both in the house, and she’s like:

Layo explains that she didn’t plan the murder but was driven to madness after confronting Lisa and finding out about the pregnancy. Shima can’t expose Layo because she’s now carrying his child. So the movie ends just like Gone Girl did.

Chief Ajasa sashays back into the movie’s plot and has his men find the car containing Bem and Lisa’s bodies. Then we get this:

“The reason one of the taglines for “Saltburn” is “We’re all about to lose our minds” is because that’s exactly what happened to me when I watched these sex scenes from the movie.”

– Me (2023)

If you haven’t seen “Saltburn”, you probably already know what it’s about. Oliver Quick (Barry Keoghan), a student at Oxford on a scholarship, becomes obsessed with Felix Catton (Jacob Elordi), a wealthy and charismatic classmate of his, and proceeds to infiltrate his life, a task that becomes easier for Oliver when Felix invites him to spend the summer at his family’s sprawling estate named Saltburn.

Oliver eventually succeeds by engaging in insane levels of lying and scheming. He also does some things that can only be described as fucking unhinged. If you’ve seen the movie, you know the things I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you’ve seen posts on social media about them. Those scenes are what we’ll be going over today.

The One With The Cum-Flavoured Bathwater

So we’re like forty minutes into the movie at this point, and out of pity, Felix has invited Oliver to spend the summer holiday with him and his family at their estate. Felix and Oliver are staying in adjoining rooms and share a bathroom. One night, Oliver peeps through the bathroom door on his end and finds Felix beating the shit out of his meat in the bathtub.

Oliver finds this hot as hell.

So after Felix sprays his man seed in the bathwater and leaves the bathroom, Oliver has an idea.

He climbs into the bathtub and rubs his face in Felix’s cum-flavoured bathwater.

Just when you think the scene is over, Oliver takes it up a notch by sticking his tongue down the bathtub drain and slurping up what’s left of the cum-flavoured bathwater.

The One With Period Blood

As soon as Oliver arrives at Felix’s family’s estate, Venetia (Alison Oliver), Felix’s sister, takes a weird liking to him. She parades the estate grounds in a see-through nightgown in view of Oliver’s room window, hoping to get his attention, and she does. He comes down to meet her, and after a sexually charged conversation, he says he wants to eat her hairy snail. Venetia isn’t against it but points out that she’s on her period. This doesn’t deter Oliver at all. He looks at her and says…

And proceeds to eat her out, looking like Beelzebub from “End of the Wicked” in the process.

Oliver also feeds her the period blood in what I assume is a kinky display of their power dynamic, but I won’t show you that because I hope to make heaven someday.

The One With The Non-Consensual Genital Meet & Greet

Farleigh (Archie Madekwe), Fexlix’s cousin and classmate at Oxford, is super suspicious of Oliver when Fexlis starts hanging out with him. Farleigh also lives at Felix’s family’s estate and hates that Oliver will be spending the summer there, so he keeps doing things to prove Oliver is a creep, including reporting Oliver to Felix for eating Venetia’s ponmo. Oliver doesn’t like this, so he sneaks into Farleigh’s room one night and straddles him.

Farleigh tries to move, but Oliver holds him with his thighs. He tells Farleigh he doesn’t like how Farleigh’s been acting, asking him to behave. Farleigh responds by saying no twice but says yes the third time. Then Oliver does this…

…and pleasures Farleigh either by handjob or anal sex. The scene is shot in a way that doesn’t make it clear.

The One With Graveyard Sex

This one has a kind of a long setup, but stay with me.

Throughout the movie, Oliver tells Felix (and the Catton family) details about his home life. He says both his parents are poor drug addicts and that his father recently died of an overdose. Felix’s pity for Oliver is why he invites Oliver to stay at his family’s estate over the summer. On Oliver’s birthday, Felix surprises Oliver by driving him to see his mom. What Felix meets is not what he expected: Oliver’s father is alive, his parents are not drug dealers, and they live in a respectable middle-class suburb. Felix is horrified by Oliver’s lies, telling him to fuck off. Felix is found dead the following day.

After Felix’s funeral, Oliver goes to Felix’s grave, lies on it, and cries. This goes on for a while, and you start to feel bad for him until he…

…and starts dry-humping the fresh soil on the grave!

All this happens in the rain, by the way.

Bonus Entry: The Finale

It’s not a sex scene but involves nudity, so I’m throwing it in here. By the movie’s end, Oliver is now the sole owner of Saltburn and the Catton family fortune. How did he do this? By all that lying and scheming I mentioned earlier. Let’s go over it.

He orchestrated the incident that led to him and Felix meeting and poisoned Felix’s drink to avoid being exposed for his lies to the rest of the Catton family. He set Farleigh up for theft, causing the Catton family to kick him out of the house. He orchestrates Venetia’s suicide by suggesting it to her while she’s in the bathtub and leaves razors nearby. Felix’s father, James (Richard E. Grant), dies of a broken heart not long after Venetia’s death, so Felix’s mother, Elspeth (Rosamund Pike), who has taken a liking to Oliver, asks him to live with her permanently.

Elspeth becomes fatally ill a few months later. As she’s on her deathbed, after putting Oliver as the sole heir to the Catton fortune, he reveals to her his role in the series of unfortunate events that have happened to her family. He turns off her ventilator and watches her die. Then he proceeds to do cocaine and dance naked around the mansion — swinging his actual penis, not a prosthetic — to Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s “Murder on the Dancefloor.”

THE END

“Timi, a gifted clergyman, turns into an old lonely curmudgeon when his family is tragically taken from him. Until Elijah, a humble man with big dreams of becoming a priest, comes into his life. Through Elijah, Timi learns to live again and realises the purpose for all his gifts and wealth.”

– The movie’s synopsis from Prime Video

The movie starts with a CGI scene set in the year 2060. We see an older man in a wheelchair and a woman behind him at a graveyard, staring at a group of holographic tombstones.

I’m excited because I think the movie is set in the future. My excitement disappears when the film takes us back to 1953 and begins a round of narration so fucking long it would give the Cinema Sins guy several heart attacks.

I’m not even kidding. I thought the narrator was there to set the scene and then leave, but he’s a major presence in the movie for at least ONE HOUR.

The narration covers a shit ton of back story for a man named Timi — who the narrator refers to as his father — so I’ll do my best to speed through it.

Timi (Ademola Adedoyin) is an exceptional young Nigerian who is smart and can fluently speak 16 languages. He also has what I can only describe as mutant lungs and can stay underwater without coming up for long periods. The longest amount of time he’s done this for is 57 minutes.

The fact that the American government doesn’t kidnap and run tests on him after this feat is further proof that this movie is taking place in a whole other timeline.

Timi becomes a reverend and marries a woman named Bridget (Eku Edewor).

If you can’t tell, I have an enormous crush on Eku Edewor.

Tragedy strikes when Timi and his daughter are at a carnival and witness a murder committed by a notorious thug hilariously named Baby Fire. Baby Fire is inexplicably wearing the worst-looking civil servant wig you’ve ever seen. Gaze upon it.

Timi agrees to snitch on Baby Fire in court, hoping they can finally put him in jail, but Baby Fire has some powerful white friends and is acquitted. Baby Fire, eager to show Timi that snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, gets back at Timi by kidnapping Timi’s wife and daughter and setting them on fire right in front of him.

After grieving for nine straight days without moving from the spot where his wife and daughter were barbecued, Timi decides to take matters into his own hands since God won’t. He kills Baby Fire and sets Baby Fire’s house on fire to cover his tracks. He then abandons the clergy life, closes down the church, and tries to kill himself in many ways — including drinking a jumbo-sized tub of bleach.

None of the suicide attempts work because God doesn’t want him dead yet (?) Anyway, decades pass, and Timi has aged into a whole other actor.

For those who don’t know, “The Legend of Gatuso” is an unintentionally hilarious and terribly made Nollywood rip-off “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” How THEE Wale Ojo ended up in it will always be one of life’s greatest mysteries. Here’s the movie’s poster.

Look at him posing! Sjdjdhfsjkhfdjhs!

Let’s get back to “Breath of Life.”

Timi has become a grumpy, impatient recluse who’s looking to hire a house manager but can’t stop, won’t stop shooting at the applicants when they annoy him.

Elijah (Chimezie Imo), the movie’s narrator and fresh-eyed Jesus baby, sashays into the movie’s plot. Elijah is here to apply for the position of House Manager and wanders into the house without knocking. Timi asks who the hell Elijah is, triggering Elijah’s asthma.

After a Looney Tunes-style sequence where Timi hires Elijah on the spot and proceeds to make Elijah fry eggs a hundred times until he gets it the way Timi likes, Elijah decides to start a weekly bible study group at the old abandoned church. He knows Timi hates everything related to God and religion, so he holds the bible study during Timi’s siesta times. While sharing flyers at the local hospital to raise awareness for the bible study, he spots a volunteer nurse named Anna (Geneveva Umeh). You can guess what happens next.

Eager to get Anna’s attention but knowing he has no rizz, Elijah emotionally manipulates the hospital’s patients into getting Anna to attend bible study. It works, and Anna shows up at the church after one of the meetings to talk to him. When he tries to reply to her, this happens.

He has his inhaler with him, though, so all’s good. They bond as he walks her home, and they pretty much start dating. Months pass, and they’re at the point where they’re doing this during bible study meetings:

Things are going well until Timi finds out Elijah has been having bible studies behind his back.

Timi threatens to fire Elijah. Elijah begs, and Timi changes his mind. A lot of nothing happens. There’s a touching scene where Timi watches old home movies starring his now-dead wife and daughter. Things take a turn for the unintentionally hilarious when young Timi shows up in a frame of the home movie he’s watching, holding the camera that’s supposed to be recording the film.

At some point, Timi and Elijah bond over reading.

Meanwhile, Anna decides that she MUST meet Timi for some reason. Against Elijah’s wishes, Anna shows up at Timi’s house. Timi has no idea who she is and is like:

Anna refuses to take no for an answer and knocks again. This time, Timi comes out with a gun, causing her to fall like a horror movie final girl and cut her leg. He takes pity on her and brings her in to treat her wound. Elijah returns from a grocery run to see this and dramatically drops a crate of eggs. Anna begins coming to the house more, and Timi is first upset by it.

Then just doesn’t give a shit.

Anna invites Elijah to meet her RICH ASS parents. Her mother, Mrs Okonkwo (Ashionye Michelle-Raccah), is sweet and welcoming but becomes uncomfortable when she finds out that Elijah is the one running the town bible study. We soon find out why when Anna’s father, Mr Okonkwo (Sam Dede), comes in and turns out to be a guy who wants to buy the church to tear it down and build a hotel. Mr Okonkwo asks Elijah to get out of his house. Elijah discovers that to save the church, he has to come up with N49 million.

Yes, this movie has suddenly become a “we have to raise money to save the rec centre ” type of thing. Anna tries to get Mr Timi to pay the money in the most entitled way possible.

Timi comes up with a way for them to save the church. It has something to do with colonial land rights. I don’t know. You think the movie is about to end when Elijah has another asthma attack, just as he and Anna are about to bump genitals.

Elijah is taken to the hospital, and it’s revealed that what he thought was asthma was actually his lungs failing. To survive, he’ll need lung transplants. Timi and Anna sit over a plate of unseasoned eggs to cry.

Then Timi decides to legally adopt Elijah, also willing his fortune and donating his mutant lungs to him. He decides that this is the reason God didn’t let him die from his suicide attempts.

The lung transplant is successful, and this happens:

Elijah reopens the church and marries Anna. And the movie ends with him taking his new lungs for a spin.

THE END

Even though I’m tempted to recap the eight seasons of Game of Thrones, I’ve chosen peace of mind today and focused on the first two episodes of the House of the Dragon. 

House of the Dragon starts by reminding us this is a prequel, so we need to dead any hopes of seeing Jon Snow, Tyrion Lannister or Daenerys Targaryen. There’s also a brief history lesson on how powerful the Targaryens are as the rulers of Westeros because of their big-ass dragons and perfectly laid blonde wigs. 

The opening scene shows that Westeros is not that different from the real world when the Lords decide they’d rather choke than allow a woman rule them. Even though Princess Rhaenys Velaryon has a more valid claim to the throne (and a hot husband), they vote for Viserys I Targaryen to take over. 

Years later, we meet discount Daenerys, aka Rhaenyra.

Seeing her ride a dragon is giving me PTSD from the time Dany turned half of Kings Landing into suya in season eight of Game of Thrones. Anyway, Rhaenyra, who I’ll refer to as Riri Baby from now on, is King Viserys I’s only child. And while her pregnant mother reminds her she was born to pop out babies, Riri Baby is on her Arya Stark P and would rather do “manly” activities like go to war and decapitate men. 

YASS QUEEN!

Meanwhile, in the king’s August meeting chambers, we hear him talk about how confident he is that his next child will be a boy and the heir to his throne. 

The universe: 

MEANWHILE

As the council makes plans for fun festivities, Lord Corlys, aka Westerosi Idris Elba, reminds them that the city’s ships are being captured by someone known as the Crab Feeder.

But the council is like: 

We later meet the king’s younger brother, Daemon Targaryen, who looks like an older version of Orlando Bloom from The Lord of the Rings. 

Daemon gives serious Jim Iyke bad boy vibes with a heavy dose of big dick energy. Just one look at him, and I know he’s going to cause chaos. But in the meantime, him and Riri Baby speak in tongues for a bit before he gives her an ugly necklace that means something sha. 

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The king visits his pregnant wife, who tells him this is the last time she’s pushing out a baby from her coochie just because he’s desperate for a male heir. 

On the day the queen goes into labour, a violent tournament is held to celebrate the baby’s birth. People stab each other up and down, and the audience keeps cheering like it’s the UEFA Champions League.

Random man in pain: 

Audience: 

The king is summoned to the labour room and asked to choose between his wife and son. In a move that reminds us never to trust men, he picks the son he doesn’t even know and the midwives cut open his wife like a Christmas chicken. The queen dies, and because karma’s a bad bitch, the baby coughs once and signs out too. 

So much for having a new heir. 

With the baby gone, Daemon decides to do a little dorime in honour of the fact that he’s back to being the sole heir to the throne because no one would give it to Riri Baby, a girl. 

Daemon: 

The king hears of Daemon’s party and is visibly pissed by the dead baby slander. 

The first episode ends with the king making Riri Baby the heir to his throne just to spite him. 

EPISODE 2

Episode two kicks off with Daemon holding one of the castles hostage, and Riri Baby back to doing bartender work despite being named the heir to the throne. 

Westerosi Idris Elba is still on the council’s neck to go after the Crab Feeder. 

But the council refuses to be bothered or stressed.

When Riri Baby suggests that the king sends her and a couple of dragons to flex on the enemy, the Hand of the King, Lord Otto Hightower, is like: 

Lord Hightower has plans of his own, by the way. This man has been sending his teenage daughter, Riri’s BFF, to the king’s chamber to seduce him. Ewwwwww. But we’ll come back to that. 

Westerosi Idris Elba is also married to Princess Rhaenys, the king’s cousin who would’ve been on the throne if not for small sexism. They try to convince the king to marry their daughter, his second cousin. Once again, eww. 

Nothing prepared me for the daughter in question. 

Meanwhile, Lord Hightower goes to see Daemon with an army to retrieve the dragon egg he stole. 

But before Daemon can turn Hightower and his men into asun, Riri Baby steps in, speaks some weird ass language with him again, and he walks away, giving her the egg. 

Over at Kings Landing, the king finally announces who he wants to marry and shocks everyone by picking Lord Hightower’s daughter, Alicent, who’s literally his teenage daughter’s age and bestie. Ewwwww overload. 

Westerosi Idris Elba is pissed his infant daughter didn’t become a child bride, and Riri Baby is pissed her BFF is about to become her stepmother. 

Looking for revenge, Westerosi Idris Elba decides to join forces with Daemon, to defeat the Crab Feeder and take the throne. 

This episode ends with a glimpse of the Crab Feeder, and we know he’s a villain because he’s disfigured like the bad guys from Nightmare on Elm Street and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Also, he literally feeds his victims to crabs.

The end. 

is streaming on Showmax with new episodes every Monday, same time it drops in the US

Sign up for Showmax on to watch House of the Dragon and other HBO series. If you are an MTN subscriber, you can sign up for Showmax using your airtime by dialling *447*2*2# and following the prompts.

QUIZ: Which Game Of Thrones Character Should You Date?

Hi, my name is Conrad, and I’m a Real Housewives of Lagos addict. I’ve decided to take on the responsibility of recapping all the messy and unhinged content that comes our way at żěèĘÓƵ. Will I survive this task? Check back next week. 

Let’s get into it. 

After an explosive finale that had us all shook, our favourite Lagos housewives came back to give us some more drama with a reunion to end all reunions. 

Considering the heated fight between besties, Chioma and Caroline, and the social media back and forth between Caroline and Toyin, we were all gagging to see how the reunion would play out. Will people throw hands? Will wigs come flying off? With the Real Housewives of Lagos, anything is possible. 

We first see the housewives pulling up with their glam squad because why not? The reunion host Uti Nwachukwu goes round to greet each housewife in their rooms, reminding them to bring the drama. 

He also reminds Chioma not to pull that lateness bullshit she’s known for because no one has the time. 

With all the housewives seated (minus a noticeably absent Caro/Carolyna/Caroline), Uti gets ready to stir some shit and milk every drop of drama he can get from these women. We stan a chaotic king because last last someone has to pour kerosine on the many fires of this show. 

Uti asks each of the housewives about their experience on the show, and Iyabo tries to convince us that no part of the show was scripted. Ma’am, we weren’t born yesterday. 

Bringing up the elephant not in the room, Uti asks the ladies if they think Caroline will show up and it’s obvious these women don’t give a shit since she’s fought with literally every cast member at this point. Mariam is so unbothered she basically says: 

After a montage of all the good times the women had on the show, Uti wears his chaotic gele and starts the drama by bringing up the fight that started the season,  Chioma and Laura’s “friendship”. Laura admits she overreacted to Chioma saying they weren’t friends and that Chioma is right, because honestly, they’re not  really friends. But this doesn’t stop Laura from attacking Chioma for not having her back against Caroline at the boho party in episode three. 

Leaving that fake friendship unresolved, Uti asks Laura who told her that the other housewives were shading her at the beach house in episode two. At this point, the housewives start acting confused like the whole show doesn’t run on gossip and rumours. 

Laura tries to act like no one told her anything, but as usual, the show’s resident FBI agent Iyabo Ojo pulls out the receipts, telling everyone that Laura had mentioned to her that Toyin was the NTA reporter that gave her the hot gist. 

But Laura takes out time to let everyone know that she hated Caroline from the beginning and the slap she promised her was based on that hatred, not the beach house gist. She also goes ahead to accuse Toyin of being the one that actually threw the most shade at the beach house. This doesn’t sit well with Toyin who was  consulting with Ifa at the time. 

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Stepping in like a ghost, Caroline finally arrived 19 minutes into the show. Once again, the ladies don’t care for her because Toyin is basically like: 

Uti brings up Chioma’s lateness and Laura’s love for mess and drama. While Chioma owns her latecomer title, Laura pretends like she doesn’t know SHE’S THE DRAMA! 

Mariam’s infamous dinner comes up and Laura blames the alcohol for her behaviour that night, but Iyabo isn’t having it. 

This eventually leads to Laura vs. Caroline + the mysterious governor. Caroline maintains that Laura used to do whokup for money and Laura maintains her innocence. Ladies, sex work is real work. No one cares. 

The main drama starts with Caroline vs. Toyin. Their friendship comes up and Caroline can’t seem to pinpoint when or for how long they were friends. She also tries to convince us that she was 23 in 2013 and no one is believing that shit. 

The two women go ahead to slut shame one another. Toyin accuses Caroline of cheating on her husband and being a wife of Solomon. While Caroline calls Toyin a hooker who’s slept with half of Lagos and maybe Ogun state. Once again, sex work is real work. 

The episode eventually ends with both Caroline and Toyin shouting to the delight of the other women. Going by the preview for next week, we can’t wait for the fight between Toyin and Chioma. Yes, we love drama. 

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Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity  on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Brethren, we all know what we’re here. So I’m going to skip through the episode and only talk about the parts that tie into this fight.

Okay? Okay.

Let’s start by giving props to the editing team at Livespot360 (the production team responsible for the show) for beginning the episode with a montage of Chioma and Carolyna hanging out and having fun, foreshadowing the later events of the episode. There’s a clip of them buying jewellery:

A clip of them hailing each other at Toyin’s traditional party thing from two episodes prior.

And a clip from the previous episode where Chioma says this to Carolyna:

I stan shady video editing.

At some point in between the events of this episode, Iyabo and Carolyna get into an altercation that almost leads to Iyabo beating the shit out of Carolyna. This fight isn’t shown onscreen, so the way it comes up is quite jarring. After a scene of the ladies hanging out on a yacht, we return from a commercial break to see Chioma, Mariam, and Laura talking about the fight on phone calls with other people. (Chioma, with her sister; Mariam, with her sister; and Laura, with her friend.)

From what I can gather, Carolyna was rude to Iyabo after the party on the yacht the previous night, accusing her of being insensitive and doing way too much all time, everywhere at once. Carolyna tops this off by telling Iyabo to stop acting like her mother because she’s not. Understandably pissed, Iyabo is like:

Iyabo serves She-Hulk realness by running at and attempting to wreck Carolyn’s face with her fists. Chioma intercepts this impending face pounding by running into Iyabo’s path, but Iyabo picks her up like a ragdoll and tosses her into the bedroom mirror. Judging by the fact that Carolyna’s face isn’t dented the next morning, I’m guessing the other housewives were successful at stopping Iyabo.

Does that sound gloriously messy? Yes. Will we ever see the footage? Probably not.

I hate that I had to piece this together from clips of the housewives talking about it in their confessionals. What was production doing when this fight took place? Are they telling me that no cameras were rolling? Where is the footage?? WHY WAS THE THIS FIGHT HIDDEN FROM US?!

#ReleaseTheIyaboAndCarolynaFootage

Fast forward to later in the episode, the ladies are hanging out by the pool when Chioma references the Iyabo/Carolyna fight. Carolyna tries to change the topic by bringing up Laura but Chioma checks her immediately.

Chioma tries to explain to Carolyna how bad Carolyna’s behaviour was, pointing out Carolyna’s refusal to apologise to Iyabo until Chioma forced her to. Carolyna says this is a lie, and that’s how their fight starts, ladies and gentlemen. With Chioma screaming:

As the argument slowly escalates, I notice that Carolyn’s M.O is throwing out random accusations and hoping that one sticks. In the span of a few minutes, she claims that Chioma is accusing her of not being remorseful for her behaviour because Chioma wants:

• A favour from Iyabo.
• To join Iyabos clique.
• To get back at her for making fun of Chioma’s boyfriend.

Carolyna realises that she’s not winning the argument and attempts to ruin Chioma’s reputation in the eyes of the other ladies, telling them that Chioma believed they were razz when they all met for the first time. This doesn’t work because Chioma owns up to it and says that her opinion of them has changed now that she knows them better. We get a few more minutes of this:

Some of the other ladies are lowkey enjoying the chaos.

Meanwhile, Laura hears the fight happening and is happy because she assumes this vindicates her in her fight with Carolyna earlier in the season. I have bad news for her because:

Things get hotter when Carolyna insults Chioma’s entire family by calling them bastards. Chioma flares up and attacks her.

I just wish she didn’t knock Iyabo down in the process sha.

The episode ends with both Chioma and Carolyna stating in their confessionals that their friendship is over.

The End

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Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity  on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

If you’re an avid reader of żěèĘÓƵ, you know that we’ve spent years relentlessly pushing the agenda that the swallow known as semo is awful.

We can’t stop, won’t stop pushing this agenda because semo is terrible. It’s the worst of all the known swallows, and rumour has it that vulcanisers use it to patch holes in car tyres.

This brings us to today’s issue. I recently came across a website that claims to contain “7812 easy and tasty semo recipes.”

Alas, no one said sike.

Because I like suffering, I went through the website and saw horrible things.

Mama, let’s research.

I imagine that this tastes like sadness. Even syrup won’t help mask the taste of despair.

This semolina glazed bread looks like a mutant doughnut whose creation was botched during the cloning process and is now begging you to shoot it square in the face because it’s in so much pain and wants to be put out of its misery.

I just gagged…and not in a good way.

IS THAT OKRO SOUP?!

You can tell this meat pie isn’t normal because it’s so fucking mishappen. This is not ok. None of this is ok.

Once again, none of those toppings will help mask the depressing taste of semo.

Nope.

Imagine biting into puff puff and realising that the texture is weird because it’s made from semo, and there are also raisins in it. I will burn everyone and everything to the ground.

I blame Buhari for this. If beans didn’t become so expensive, this wouldn’t be happening.

God, abeg.

This is going to be more tasteless than a struggling Nigerian Instagram comedian’s skits.

If your friends get you this for your birthday, I want you to know that they hate you. Not only do they hate you, they secretly hope that you die in a Final Destination-style freak accident. Preferably one that involves a lot of pain.

The End

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