What happened was, I decided to take part in you people’s Detty December rocks, and because I didn’t invite Uncle Ambode to Quilox with me, I was punished with 5 back to back hours on Lagos’ shakiest, most trailer-laden bridge.

See my frustration in this tweet, and this was only the first hour oh, LOL for myself.

By the third hour, I had cursed everybody responsible for Lagos’ government. So if you or your daddy have been dropping non-stop and embarrassingly loud farts in public spaces, just know that’s my work.

I couldn’t for the life of me understand what I was still doing in Lagos, so I started doing the Math towards moving to Ibadan, finding my 200k, 5-bedroom mansion and starting a new, traffic-free life there. I was finally cancelling Lagos, and that was that.

To be honest, there is every reason to feel this way. We are just not living right in this state. If you’re doubtful, here are some of the reasons you should be considering checking out too:

Have you seen where you’d be on your own and a whole trailer would be speeding and dragging road with you like it’s a Picanto? Catch that live in Lagos. The humility I always use to beg whoever’s driving me to steer clear of those mad people is not from here. I can even hands up in the car. It’s not me you’ll kill for my mother.

See Lagos, see dirt. I don’t know about you, but I am tayad of seeeing dirt on the roads and in gutters. If we don’t take time, as we’re dropping the first leg once we wake up, it would land in a pile of rubbish. I am here to tell you brethren, that this is no way to live.

Anyway, by hour 4.5 in that mad traffic, my friend who had been keeping me company the whole time- told me about this mad rocks happening in VI the very next day, followed by a boat cruise later that weekend. And would you believe it, just like that, Lagos started looking fine to me again. Miracle wonda!

Next thing you know, I started thinking – is the traffic really that bad? Won’t it clear one day? If dirt is blocking my way, is it not to push it one side? If the trailer stays on its lane and I on mine, God no go vex abi?

See, for all its faults, there’s no place that can kill you with enjoyment like Lagos. You can try, but you won’t find. Plus Lagos has beaches and Ibadan has… Shoprite. So that my mansion, it might have to wait for now.

Anyway, that’s my love-hate story on this loca Lagos state. To hear what other, way more fun people think about living in Lagos, make sure to check out this episode of “Nigerian’s Talk” , where the cast share their feelings on what they hate about Lagos and how they use their insufficient funds to handle all of its rocks.

With the way Lagos traffic is set up on some days, it can take you two hours to get from V.I to V.I. So just imagine how hard life must be for people who live in Alagbado and work in Lekki. To those people we say the Lord is your strength and we understand the struggle.

When you give someone your address and they’ve never heard of your area.

They’ll now start asking you if you are sure you live in Lagos.

You are always early for everything.

If you have an appointment for 2 you’ll leave your house at 9 am so that Lagos doesn’t surprise you. That’s the day there won’t be traffic and you’ll get to where you are going at 10am.

But if you are not early you are super late.

Even when you leave yourĚýhouse three hours before your appointment.

When you mistakenly leave your house at 5:05 am instead of 5 am so you end up dying in traffic.

If you haven’t left at 5:30 don’t even bother just stay in your house till 10.

You only leave your house if it is absolutely necessary.

If someone is not giving birth or dying you are not going anywhere. All those invitations to your coworker’s son’s birthday go straight in the trash.

This is how everyone reacts when you tell them where you live.

As if Lakowe is that far from town.

You don’t even bother throwing any parties in your house.

Because you know it’s only your neighbors that will come

You can’t just wake up and decide to go and visit a friend you must have planned at least one week ahead.

Except you don’t plan to come back to your house that day.

This is you when your boss should ask you why you look tired at work.

Maybe because I have to wake up at 3 am to get here at 9 sir.

This is you when you wake up on a work day and remember you are going to spend half of that day on the road.

Then someone will still want to invite you for wedding on Saturday that you want to sleep.

When you meet a new friend who also lives in your area.

New BFF in a bit.

You’ve reached level 3000 on Candy Crush because of how much time you spend on your phone during your commute.

It’s not as if you are jobless.

When you calculate how much you spend on petrol for your car in a month.

How much are they even paying you at the job you are using the petrol to go to.

You don’t even bother travelling for the holidays

The travelling you do to work every day is enough for the year.

When you forget something at home and someone says just go back and get it now.

Go back to where?! Do you know where I’m coming from?

If you live in Mowe, we’re not talking about you. That one is another country. Thanks and God bless.

Take dating for instance – that arrangement where two consenting individuals agree to care for each other in a special way and see where it goes.

To start with, it’s based on pure probability – what the hell do you mean by seeing where it goes? Plus you have to show your love, in gifts, in special nights on the town – basically, it’s expensive.ĚýThen there’s the fact that you could come to the end of a three-year-long relationship just to find out you’ve been dating yourself.

It doesn’t help that the pressure to get in relationships is real. Even if you have the confidence and poise of a young Frank Donga, people expect your university degree to come with hints of a relationship – proof that you won’t spend your life alone and become one of those dog-whisperers.

Ěý

Everything changed when I took a few weeks off work in 2017.

I chose to spend my time resting at home and as Cupid would have it, I learned all the ways loneliness can kill a man.ĚýIt was then that it came upon me like an epiphany brought to you by BellaNaija; why was I not seeing someone? Would I die if I started dating? Doesn’t a hot piece of cake like me deserve love too?

So I decided to get into the dating pool.ĚýAnd where else would I choose to date than in Lagos – the city of beautiful, independent women where you lose money every time you breathe, sneeze or take a step in any direction. The city where I’ve lived for the last 2 years and most of my life before that.

See how I set myself up?ĚýBoys and girls, gather around, I tried dating in Lagos and these are my confessions.

It is starting like this.

Ěý

Can you convince someone to date you?

The last time I checked, relationships involved a minimum of two people. So the first step was obviously finding bae. I was pretty clear on what I wanted.

Four words: interesting, opinionated, not broke and fine. I stan myself, a simple man.

The problem is, nobody’s walking around Lagos with their character traits plastered on their foreheads.ĚýI had to search, something I had neither the time or money to do, so I settled for the next best option.

It’s free and depending on whether your boss can see your phone screen from his seat, you can use it at work.

Boys and girls, meet TINDER.

Except instead of love, I found women trying to sell their market.

One conversation went like this:

Me: “Hello. I’m Segun.”

Tinder Babe: “Hey. Do you want a few hours or the whole night?”

Me: “What?”

Tinder Babe: Where are you? One night is 30k and you’ll pay for my Uber.

Me: *deletes TinderĚýapp and pleads the blood of God*

So I took my search offline.

Weeks later, I met someone who seemed a good fit at a Brymo concert, but life quickly showed me we were not in the same tax bracket so I moved on.

It took a chance meeting with a friend’s friend to find someone I actually liked. ĚýLet’s call her Sunny.

So (potential) bae found, the next obvious thing was to find out if I was being groomed by a serial killer – that thing people call ‘getting to know each other’.

I have come a long way from university and asking girls out to beer parlours. I wanted to do it right and in my hunt for a perfect date, I learned something.

Ěý

You always have a point to prove.

In Lagos, people treat every date as if there’s a better option waiting for them at the door – so you’re always trying to prove you’re the right option.

I did this by planning my first date at Bungalow’s in Victoria Island.

Nothing too fancy. Just art on the walls and food that looks like it was Photoshopped. Then I saw estimates of the bill on a food review website and my brain started shaking in my head.

Basically, how you choose to prove the point is up to you.

After hours of asking for divine inspiration, it came to me; a place where the breeze is cheaper than air conditioning and God’s niceness can be witnessed first hand. We went to Oniru beach instead.ĚýAfter some snacks, a long conversation and some playing in the water straight out of a lazy Major Lazer video, we agreed to another date.

Mission accomplished.

Ěý

After a few more dates, things began to move a bit steady.

For one, we had come to understand one another. She had a giant sweet tooth so I figured ice-cream made up for a few unreturned calls. She also discovered I’m a personal person (whatever that means) so she learned to keep things between us.

But what about other people? I mean, all the people walking around, looking for other people’s business to put their noses in.

Ěý

Lagos has an estimated 18 million people and all of us are in the same WhatsApp group.

Some weeks into my new thing, one of them chose to tell me some ‘private information’ about Sunny.ĚýBasically, she had been seeing someone while I was all by myself in this cold world. This ‘information volunteer’ thought I should know that they had been a celebrity couple of sorts.

Right out of the gates, I didn’t like it. But in a rare moment of reasonable thinking, I chose to talk to her first. AĚýbrief conversation cleared things up.

It was easy to understand – It happened before me and she made it clear that they had both moved on.

You hear that dull hum in the background? That’s the sound of a fight that almost happened, dying forever.ĚýOut here, some people just don’t want you to enjoy things. I wanted to enjoy this so trust became important way earlier than I expected.

With our external enemies in the dust, it was time to overcome my biggest challenge; myself.

Ěý

But first – an important question.

How do you know when a series of dates become a relationship?

I ask because some people are funny and they’ll actually ask, what are we now? To which I am inclined to answer that we are nothing but pencils in the hands of the creator.

I think for me, it was when we began to dedicate time to one another. She’d show up when I was having a bad day. I’d take time off my regular schedule to go with her for a weekday movie or a play, (or something I wouldn’t be caught dead doing alone).

Sadly, you will find that sometimes, the devil and his bad ideas will come in your way.

Ěý

Case in point (and proof that I’m my own biggest problem).

After a relatively stressful week, Sunny had been asking if I could make time for us to chill, on her bill at that, but the boys beckoned.ĚýI figured I could give Saturday to the guys and hang with her later.Ěý

So on Sunday night, while I was in Lekki at a friend’s, I asked her to dress up for a night out.ĚýAs I dropped the call and made to request a Taxify ride to the mainland, my fingers begged me to play a final round of FIFA, so I did.

I saw streaks of lightning after I conceded the first goal but the rain didn’t start until I had fully been embarrassed.

Long story short, I ended up spending the rest of my night in traffic, admiring headlights and the Atlantic Ocean, and later, apologising for being a douchebag.

Ěý

It was a lesson that showing up is important. But sometimes, what is required of you is less personal and more… financial.

At this point, Sunny and I had been going steady for nearly two months.

I was swimming in a relationship, guys. I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life alone in a flat with old books, Football Manager and hungry dogs.

We’d learned enough of each other to know our limits, so when she asked for me to pick up the tab on some work-related software she was getting, I knew she was asking because she had no choice.

The problem is for the past two months, my mind had been dreading this moment; a time that reminded of the immortal Nigerian phrase;

Ěý

No Money, No Honey

Whether it’s for a dinner on the town, a gift or a bail-out, seeing someone puts some strain on your wallet.

I live in a flat in Surulere and fend for myself which means spending 1000 naira feels like I’m losing blood.ĚýIn the early days, because love and good vibes cannot charge my laptop, I always chose to pay myself (and my bills) first before helping anyone out.

But the truth is that love in Lagos, or anywhere for that matter, needs money to flourish.ĚýHow to balance the strain is the real question you have to answer.

Also, pray you don’t end up with someone who looks at you and sees a dark-skinned GTB ATM.

Did I give her the bar? Not all of it but I did what I could.

Ěý

In the end, Lagos is the real enemy

You read that right.

Spending money on Uber and getting stuck on Third Mainland Bridge. Eating at Chicken Republic because Victoria Island’s restaurants are actually made for Instagram. Missing a date because my street is underwater.

I found out that every time something went wrong, it was because Lagos was trying to kill me.

I don’t understand why we all don’t just decide to be friends because that’s what this city really wants.

But then that’s what makes it fun. Fighting, literally, for what you want, like the time I had to explain why I was on Instagram Stories even though I wasn’t answering her calls.

How did it all end you ask? It didn’t. We’re almost a year strong now and we haven’t reported each other to the Police yet so I guess we’re good.ĚýNow I’m just waiting for Lagos to elect a new governor so I can know if this city has something personal against me.

If you do decide to get on this journey through the wilderness, please stay off Tinder, or open your mobile banking app together at the same time.

Ěý

But if you think you’ve seen the worst of Lagos, I’m here to tell you that you haven’t if you’ve never gone house hunting in Lagos.

Asides finding a place that’s close to work, or has small light, we’ve figured out what the hardest things about house hunting in Lagos are and how to hack them.

Everyone starts house hunting in Lagos with a ‘strict’ budget and lofty expectations.

So brace yourself. House hunting in Lagos doesn’t respect your pocket or feelings. If you’re still in the comfort of your parents’Ěý house, now might be the time to reconsider this your move. If you have strong head, carry on.

First hack is to lower your expectations.

You might think if you are patient and thorough enough, you might find the place of your dreams. You won’t.

You’re only going to end up getting the least horrible of the thousand and one listings you’ll check out.

Any agent that wants to collect money from you per house you view is a scammer.

Because all agents do is lie and waste your time, also look through property listing sites.

Pick out the least disgusting looking houses and set up viewings with the agents.

Remember I told you to lower your expectations? Oya take them even lower because those listings you found on tolet.ng and co are going to look nothing like the pictures you saw on the website.

…this is probably what it really looks like.

If you find a place that isn’t a hundred percent complete, please don’t drop any money.

You’d think this would go without saying but these Lagos landlords lie more than the devil himself and they’ll try and deceive you. Maybe they haven’t connected the light or they’ve been meaning to put a borehole or they haven’t painted. Once you pay, daizzit. Two months on and you’ll be there begging the landlord to put toilet in your bathroom.

You know the only other person on earth who lies more than landlords? Agents.

They’ll say whatever it takes to get you to pay for that house. If the road is bad, Ambode is coming to fix it next week.Ěý No light in the area? They’ve already bought new transformer your agent saw it with his own two eyes.

Before you pay your rent, you should try and meet the landlord, especially if you’ve been dealing exclusively with the agent.

Don’t let anyone come and wake you up in the middle of the night with eviction notice, after you’ve supposedly paid rent.

Don’t move into a house without a borehole.

Ask about the old tenants.

Nothing beats getting to rent a brand new house in Lagos but the odds are slim. So if you get a house that has been lived in, first thing to do is ask about the tenants who lived in the house before. If there is no prepaid meter, make sure they’ve not left NEPA bill gbeseĚýfor you to pay.

If you survive house hunting in Lagos, you can survive it anywhere really. And also, what tips have we left out?

Lagos has pushed a lot of us to the edge at one point or another. We might have adapted or in the process of adaptation.

If you’ve ever been stuck in traffic that was literally on hold for hours, you would understand that patience is very important to maintain your sanity sometimes.

While you’re stuck in traffic, you turn on the radio just to hear some “wanna gonna”, while you strain your ears to catch up.

But eating fantastic food at a low cost is an extreme sport in Lagos.

If you happen to live on the island, rain is probably not your best friend. When it rains, it pours, and floods.

Let’s focus on rent for a minute, from finding the house, to affording the bills, all I have to say is..

And then if you don’t own a car, transportation is an extreme sport in Lagos. I want to talk about the cost but I also want to talk about the stress of even getting buses itself.

If you have not had an encounter or know someone that has had an encounter or heard stories about Sarz officials, do you even leave in Lagos?

We always wonder why there are so many people in Lagos or why so many plan to move here? Like why is Lagos so overpopulated?

New Afrikan Shrine

National Stadium

Lekki-Ikoyi Link Bridge

Balogun Market

Banana Island

Apapa Amusement Park

Mr. Biggs

Mile 12 Market

Tafewa Balewa Square

Did we leave anywhere out?

1. Amala Shitta – 26 Rabiatu Thompson Crescent, Shitta, Surulere

2. Iya Eba – 10 Berkeley Street, Lagos Island

3. White House – 9 Chapel Street, Sabo, Yaba

4. Designer Rice – 14 Bank Olemoh Street, Surulere

5. Ajisafe Rice – 23 Ajisafe Steet, Onigbongbo, Ikeja

6. First Bank Amala – Marina Street, Opp First Bank HQ, Lagos Island

7. Mama Ebo Pepper Rice – 70 Taiye Olowu Street, Lekki Phase 1

8. Ghana High – King George V, Off Awolowo Road, Lagos Island

9. Topshot Amala – Parkview Estate, Ikoyi

10. Amala Yahoo – Victoria Street, Mechanic Village, Ogudu-Ojota, Ogudu

11. Yakoyo – Olabode House, 217 Ikorodu Road, Ilupeju

12. Amala Beljium – Parliament Road, Jakande Estate, Mile 2, Amuwo Odofin

Go to your nearest bar anytime Nigeria is playing in any football tournament and just sit down. Once Nigeria scores, someone is guaranteed to buy beer for everyone in the bar.

When ordered beer for everyone at the viewing centre, naija wayyy.

Visit tourist attractions. You might die in Lagos traffic but don’t worry it’s all part of the experience.

Take a tour of all the suya spots in your area and finesse your way to getting free suya.

Go to the New Afrikan Shrine and just soak up the great vibe and music it has to offer.

Complete the cultural experience of visiting Shrine with a trip to Kalakuta museum where Fela’s spirit lives on.

If you like Shrine you’ll also like Freedom Park in Lagos Island.

Are you even a Lagosian if you’ve never been to one of the beaches?

Go and learn about Nigeria’s history at the National Museum. It’s completely free.

But the ultimate way to enjoy Lagos? Just don’t leave your house. What are you looking for outside? Isn’t there rice at home?

When I arrived, I had to fight the urge of starting everything I wrote especially tweets with “in this Lagos”. It was on my lips, I found everything contrasting and different and I was so amazed at how unbothered Lagosians are.

I used to tell myself I can’t live in Lagos. That I won’t cope blah blah blah. Well, I am here working hard on the coping thing.

After small Lagos breeze blew me I didn’t want to leave again. Now I understand why my Lagos friends say “I can’t live anywhere else”.

This was my face when I found out that “under bridge” and “along” at “Ikeja” is not along anywhere or under any bridge.

I hadn’t even spent 24 hours in Lagos before I got duped. I can’t even blame the conductor that stole my change when there was JJC written all over my face.

The first time I tried to head out alone, I confidently went to take the wrong bus, in a matter of seconds I was headed for Yaba thinking I was going to Shoprite Ikeja.

Lagos is just different sha. You can’t get a direct bus anywhere. Common VI I had to take 4 different buses with plenty “just cross to that bridge and ask when you get there”.

Then the werey bus conductors and drivers. Jesus! They’ll kill someone one day.

Don’t get me started on Lagos traffic and the wahala Lagos imposes on you.

This is how I clutch my purse tightly when I am on the streets.

Every day you set out in Lagos and return safely you thank goodness for not letting your purse get snatched, not allowing the reckless drivers knock you down or throw you off and getting paid from your hustle.

2. Finding out there was traffic all the way from the airport to your house.

3. When you passed through Ojota for the first time and the smell from the refuse dump hits your face hard.

4. When you realise Lagos is actually overpopulated and hot.

5. When you remember how much light you had back home compared to Lagos.

6. When you try to rent a self-contained flat and they ask you to bring your kidney as rent payment.

7. When you’re used to the chill life but everybody has no chill in Lagos.

8. When you realise you either have to jump danfo or pay through your nose for cab fares.

9. When you managed to take danfo and they were just the dirtiest buses in this life.

10. When you were sitting jejely in the danfo and people still came to rob you.

11. When you go the market and everybody starts grabbing you.

12. Finding out most of the events people told you about were either expensive or really boring.

13. When you finally get a chance to buy a car and LASTMA catches you for one tiny crime.

14. Finding out people in Lagos drive like Mad Max.

15. Before, you were just a peaceful somebody but now you’re always ready to fight with anybody that steps on you.

16. When you don’t even know how to talk quietly on the phone anymore.. because Lagos noise.

17. When you have to plan your day three days before because of Lagos traffic.